Dec
15
In the course of contemplating – ad infinitum, I might add – the authenticity of my femininity and my life as Janie, it finally occurred to me that I am actually quite unsettled by the idea of being two people – of leading a double life.
Personal reflection is a strange process by which you think about the same things over and over, until you think that maybe all that thought is just procrastinating away the actual real life you are supposed to be leading. But then, you consider something with ever-so-slightly different words, and suddenly, a door opens.
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Dec
12
A number of years ago, I wrote about Nicole, a friend of mine who gave up crossdressing/transitioning despite being the prettiest and most feminine t-girl I had ever met. This person decided that it was all a fraud, and he could satisfy all his needs as a beautifully feminine gay man – almost a yaoi character, if you will. (See my post Yowza Yaoi! for my take on this term, and Wikipedia for a more scholarly description.)
The reasons for his decision that the whole transgender experience for him was not authentic had to do with the way his treatment changed from one moment to the next at the hands of the same people, based solely on his gender presentation. (A wig coming off would be a relationship-changing moment, for example.) It seems their like or dislike, attraction or revulsion for him was based not on his genuine soul and personality but on the way he dressed and groomed himself and the efforts he made to transform his gender or not.
I am sure his own self-perception was similarly affected – and I say this out of personal experience.
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Dec
08
The holiday season is upon us, boys and girls and everyone in between.
I made myself a drink and sat down to write you a little post, rocking to Elvis Presley’s “Merry Christmas, Baby” in my drinking hat, which I once named (after a few drinks, no doubt) Fimon Fez.
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Dec
01
The other day, I saw a crime show on television called “Perception.” The basic premise of the particular episode in question involved a doctor who was “curing” men of their gay-ness by giving them a pleasure-inducing drug and having them have sex with women while feeling that pleasure. The idea was to create a permanent association between hetero sex and pleasure.
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Nov
17
The grass may seem always to be greener on the other side, but take it from someone who’s walked a mile on both sides, it isn’t worth the gender envy.
Gender Envy by Men
Guys may think that women have it all.
After all, men are beguiled by women’s charms and desirability. And, men are driven to desire sex, while women seem to be able to have as much as they please and yet often decline to partake.
On the dating scene, men must put their egos on the line in pursuit of women, making the first move, risking rejection – and it may often seem that women have no shortage of options at their feet.
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Nov
14
Comments on my recent post about dealing with the temptation to get my ears pierced ran inevitably toward the idea that one should do what makes one happy, especially when it comes to one’s body.
I replied there and repeat here, that we live among people, and the quality of our lives depends to a great extent on the relationships we create.
To be able to put at risk relationships that have endured decades on the hope that others of comparable richness will rise to take their place is an act of courage, no doubt.
I understand that a person has to be true to herself. But, in many issues – and perhaps in most of the issues of complex soul-searching – the truth is not so clear, at least to me.
Others seem to see my true nature so much more clearly than I can, and I have to ask myself whether I am being dense or they are jumping to unwarranted conclusions.
I know that a big part of my hesitation is that I am at a stage where moving forward is a big step – perhaps not so much externally as conceptually. Not moving forward is also a big decision, but not deciding is less so.
It would be nice to just allow myself to float the way my emotions lead.
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Nov
10
Since I started up this new site, I have scarcely had enough time to put into my modeling efforts. I haven’t even managed to introduce my blog readers to the photos I have posted in the modeling section of this site from shoots I have already done.
Well, today’s the day.
This will be the first in an intermittent series on the photos in my modeling portfolio.
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Nov
07
I put nail polish on my fingernails a few days ago, and wow, what an incredible intrusion it has been in my life!
…no, not really in a bad way; more of an enlightenment really.
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Nov
05
Funny what limits we set for ourselves…
I live my life as Janie well over half the time; I go out for walks in the neighborhood; I drive, shop, go out to eat.
On a different tack, I have done laser to make my body and face hairless, and I have grown my hair out.
But, strange as it may seem, one thing I can’t bring myself to do is pierce my ears.
Allow me to explain.
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Oct
29
The Saturday night before Halloween is often the best party night of the holiday, as people can stay out late and let loose.
With Halloween on Wednesday night, and people having to get up for work on Thursday, the parties do get a bit sparse after a few hours, and the incredible efforts some folks put into their costumes don’t get their full return. So, Saturday night’s the night.
I was pretty much in awe of the shindig thrown by the Subspace people (http://www.subspacelive.ca/) at a place called the Opera House. The venue was decked out professionally to look its ghoulish best, the soaring ceilings and terrific lighting system made for an amazing space, and the shows they did on stage were equally impressive.
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