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2012Gender Envy
The grass may seem always to be greener on the other side, but take it from someone who’s walked a mile on both sides, it isn’t worth the gender envy.
Gender Envy by Men
Guys may think that women have it all.
After all, men are beguiled by women’s charms and desirability. And, men are driven to desire sex, while women seem to be able to have as much as they please and yet often decline to partake.
On the dating scene, men must put their egos on the line in pursuit of women, making the first move, risking rejection – and it may often seem that women have no shortage of options at their feet.
The Grass on the Other Side of the Fence
But, in fact, crossing over to the feminine side, one finds no less a desire for companionship and love; she may well be able to give him the things he is missing in his life, but in her shoes one suddenly finds oneself lacking the very things he has – or is. And so, the world isn’t that much different from the female perspective.
Though it is nice to have the attention of men, it is a more subtle challenge to attract the one you are interested in without the directness of simply making the first move. Though finding sexual partners is not that hard, finding desirable sexual partners is frustratingly challenging.
It seems it’s always Mr. Wrong who is the one who comes on to you.
We need our safety to be taken care of: our physical safety, our safety from disease, and our emotional safety.
Women may seem to have all the power, given that men have to ask and women get to decide, but that advantage lasts only until she says, “Yes.” From that point, he has her welfare in his hands and it is up to him to be a good guy – or not. Is he a liar, a scoundrel, a rogue, a cheat? Or can she trust him to be a sweetheart, a caring and devoted lover? That is why women tend to be careful and selective.
Everybody Needs Somebody Sometime
As much as he needs a wistful flower, a vision of beauty, an inspirational and spiritual charge, her compassion and caring, her personal insights and sensuality, she needs his power and efficiency, the comfort of the tenderness within his strength, his direct focus, his defiance and determination and even his immaturity.
Too chauvinistic? Maybe. But that’s me.
Men and women alike need each other, and need to be needed. That we naturally fill out the gaps in each other’s makeup, that we each have blind spots that are illuminated to the other, is what makes it work so well, even if it can lead to points of frustration along the way.
And, being one who has traveled both sides of the line, I have found it impossible to be all things at the same time, even if all those things may reside within me. I still need to pick a side and whichever side I choose is both desirable and needy at the same time.
No man is an island. No woman either.
Shannon Townes
Okay, I’m confused here. Not sure of your point or motivation . First time that’s happened. It is early here. Maybe I just need some more coffee….
I do agree with the last line, though. I’ve said before that IMHO life is all about relationships, people interacting and relating to each other.
Janie
I’ll admit it is a little rambling and not as tightly woven as it should be, but let it percolate and see if anything twigs.
Rodney
A useful insight for those who: ponder their gender identity.;or, are new to the topic and process; or, who assume transition will eliminate existential problems.
A simple piece, but a clear piece.
Shirley Corning
Are we on the ESP channel or the same wave length? I’ve had gender envy since I was 2 and still wish to this day I was female. I don’t think I understood all that you said but I’m at least sympathetic.
Andie Davidson
Interesting that in the same week we both addressed our blogs to relating (andiesplace.co.uk) . I wonder how much we can be that ‘normal’ (unambiguous) man or woman. Are we really seeing the world as they do? Can we see a man as a woman does and vice versa? Or do we have a special relativity of our own, where we can walk through walls when others can’t? For me, settling on one rather than both has changed the way I see both men and women. And that affects where and how we can look for love.
Janie
I don’t know about you, but I can only hope to see (and have previously seen) the world purely as one gender if that gender is male; doing it from the female side will always be infleunced by my masculinity. Ah, but we are splitting hairs here. As Ashley quite correctly said, we are all a blend of masculinity and femininity. Some mroe than others, and some more consciously than others.
Andie Davidson
We certainly are all a blend. But the strange thing is that having transitioned (pre-op) I actually find it very hard to recall what I used to be or feel like. I was just me, of course – but actually “being a man”? I cannot push my imagination into feeling “one of them” at all any more. I just know so deeply where I belong. I shall always be different, always look a bit different, and shall always be willing to explain. But I am here not out of envy, but simply because this is my kind of grass.
Ashley
For some, the grass isn’t greener, it just feeds their soul better. Female or male, ther really isn’t much difference in your day to day life.
In truth there isn’t a fence at all. Everyone is a mix of the masculine and feminine. There are women who do some pretty “mannish” things every day and there are some men who also do some “womanly” things. As a t-girl, completely transitioned or part timer, you can stand on the field where YOU want to be. Even if you chose to be in one of the herds or in the middle, you won’t be alone for long.
Janie
While I agree that we are all a blend of both genders to some extent, I differ with you on th eimplications. Yes, most of life is the same as male or female in terms of the daily grind, but relationships are entirely different – and that’s huge. Also, I am sure you agree that it is more about what you feel than what you do that determines your gender; women doing mannish things can still be feminine – or not.
Ashley
Actually, the relationship angle isn’t that much different. The mechanics of the relationship (and I;m not referring t sex here either) is a little different, but men and women both get the same things from relationships. Companionship, security, comfort, and even the responses to stimuli are very similar between men and women in their relationships. Society has placed the role of persuer on the male and perued on the female but if both are open and honest, each gets the same thing from a relationship.
The social role (masculine or feminine) is how you want to relate to the world and how you want the world to relate to you. If you do womanly things but relate to the world as a man, then you are a man. If you do womanly things and relate to the world as mixed gender you might be (and probably will) considered feminine.
Janie
Ashley, I don’t think I agree that women and men get the same things out of relationships. I mean of course there are many of the same things for each, but it seems to me that it is more common for women to seek out a man with strength, common sense, money, and reliability than do men seek those from women, and more common for men to look for beauty, support, affection, caring, and even adoration from women than is true of women seeking those from men.
Ashley
Sure, girls were raised expecitn a Knight in Shining armor and men their Beautiful Princess, but the reality was and is, that both sexes settle for a person they think they can share a life with. And if they’re smarter still they actively look for companionship and security. Sure, given the choice between two equally attractive guys, the doctor or rich CEO might get the nod, But there’s lots of guys and women who choose a soul mate over beauty or riches.