Apr
03
Today I found myself in a boutique shop that sells all manner of cocktail supplies. The only service person in the store was a young man – early twenties, I’d guess – very feminine, and actually quite beautiful.
My gender sensors identified him as a man, and that’s how I’ll refer to him, but I have no idea how he identifies or how he was born.
A few things struck me from our interactions. First is that, in writing this post, the inadequacy of language in this regard is quite obvious. Do I refer to this person as “him” or, if not, then what? Anything I choose is as likely to be as wrong as it is right, and I don’t see a way to write this post without gender-specific pronouns.
Second, not knowing his gender didn’t matter – at least not to me. I found him attractive and helpful and personable – and none of that need have a gender.
Third, I thought about the wonderful freedom he had – to be male or female or both or neither or something else entirely. Lucky him! He could change from day to day, or not, or he could change by the minute if he pleased. What a kaleidoscopic way to experience life and learn about yourself!
Once upon a time, I had a gift of sorts to be able to present and behave alternately as a masculine male or a feminine female, but my mindset had these compartmentalized and it was a determined effort. Also, it turned out that one side was real and the other a relic. Here, it is much more organic, and the change I saw in him from being very feminine one moment, to affecting a male presence the next is what prompted me to these thoughts.
Last, this privilege he has, well, it is a gift of youth. It won’t last long. Sure, he gets to experiment and try every possibility out if he wants to, but eventually he will grow into something less flexible – at least physically. Will he pine for the days he was a chameleon of sorts, or will he grow comfortably into whatever identity most suits him?
Like everything else, it seems, that will be up to him.
Mar
26
Not everything can be about angst and self-doubt. Sometimes, a girl’s just living life, having cocktails and a nice dinner.
It feels nice just to be. Y’know?
Mar
20
Will It Always Be Hard?
Health and Beauty / Introspection / Out in the World / Transgender Life Posted by Janie
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5 comments
I am Janie. That other part of me has receded into, well, I don’t know where. I live my life pretty much like any other woman.
And yet…
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Mar
15
I have done a lot more writing than reading when it comes to trans experiences. But now that I’m on a reading kick, I am discovering how powerful it feels to me when transgender authors express experiences I have had through their lenses.
The whole thing is making me a bit emotional. First, there’s that sense of community, of shared feelings and responses that I never got even from all those trans events I attended over the years, where I got to know so many terrific people. I now get to sit in the quiet of my home and let these messages wash over me rather than having to have a ready answer for a conversation-mate, or a quick reply before the music or other revelers intruded.
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Mar
03
Today, I dropped in on Manic Coffee, a place I used to spend a lot of time thinking my thoughts and writing my blog. I hadn’t been there in ages, but being in the neighbourhood, I stopped by on a whim.
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Feb
27
This feels vaguely like climbing, stiffly and slowly, back behind the wheel of a truck I left by the side of the road years ago. I wonder if I can still handle this rig.
Hard to believe, but it’s been nearly a decade since my last post. In that time, we’ve had Covid, and
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Jun
23
I always knew that I was happier as a woman, but I’m only just starting to realize why.
I played golf today with a couple of my old male friends. I shanked my share and hit some plain stupid shots, but y’know what? It didn’t affect my mood one iota. Not to put too fine a point on it, but that’s not exactly the way it was in my prior life. Today, all I cared about was being outside on a beautiful day playing a fun game with friends. And, I was happy.
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Jun
16
I am starting to question my grip on reality. Or, perhaps my friends’.
Last week I played golf for the first time openly as a woman. It was also the first one-on-one time I have had with this golf-buddy of mine since I told him I was trans. Of course, old habits die hard, especially when there is no occasion to practice new things, and he couldn’t help saying things like, “You’re up, big g–! Oops! Sorry!” He freely admitted that he still sees me as a guy, notwithstanding my adorable light-mauve golf dress and makeup. He’s known me as a guy for decades, and it is hard for him to see me any other way.
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13
I used to have a t-shirt that said, “Hockey is Life, the rest is just details.” Well, I was much younger back then… The details are everything now; and hockey has been a casualty until now.
A lot has happened in my life since I have written anything personal here. That simply playing hockey with my friends is such a big deal is but a hint. I used to play all the time, but as my feminine life took over, anything that required me to assume a male role kinda fell by the wayside. Now, as you can see by the photos, hockey no longer requires me to be a guy. And, reading between the lines, the other message is that all my old guy friends know that I am transgender and have been wonderful in accepting me and keeping me involved in our group.
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07
Thanks for Being There
Recently, I undertook the task of going through my blog posts to get a sense of my history. It has been a bit of a humbling experience – so much so that I think I owe my loyal and persistent commenters an apology.
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