I think we got a new mailman. For the past few weeks, I have found letters only halfway put through the mail slot, which I find upsetting for two main reasons. First, they get rained on, and I get a wet rag instead of a letter. And second, they are vulnerable to anyone coming by and pulling them out, and getting access to my private information in that way.

I always thought that mail was a minor miracle – how you write an address on an envelope, add a few cents postage, and it gets delivered with surprising accuracy and speed to places near and far. But I am doing what I can to reduce my mail deliveries because I can see so many vulnerabilities in the system – one of which is mail left sticking out of mailboxes. It is a surprisingly difficult task to accomplish because certain important places, like government, ignore your preferences and send sensitive mail regardless.

Being peeved at my mailman meant I was always on the lookout for the guy, so I could grab him and shake him and ask him what was the matter with him that he couldn’t put the mail INSIDE the mailbox. And my chance came last week, just at the end of a pretty tough outdoor workout.

As he delivered the mail, I went over to him and, with every fibre of my being restraining the annoyance I was feeling, I said nicely, “Could you please be sure and put the mail all the way in the box?”

The somewhat friendly look he had on his face when he first saw me turned blank and dumb. He did not reply.

“Is that okay?” I asked, starting to worry about our interaction.

“Wha.”

“What I said.”

Again no answer as he continued on his route.

I’m not quite sure what was going on. I tried to piece things together and what I came up with was this: because I was tired from my workout, and incredibly annoyed with this guy, I’m worried that maybe I wasn’t exactly careful enough in my presentation – you know, all those little implicit things that make the difference between man and woman: a smile, the cadence of my words, the tone of my voice, my posture, and communicating in a way that emphasizes relating rather than a result. I was so focused on my mission that I didn’t say “Hi, welcome to the neighbourhood” or something like that. I was a missile focused on a target – a very masculine approach.

All these markers of feminine communication normally come very naturally to me, but I just got the sense that I was lazy and careless and I outed myself. To someone who did not look friendly at all. Who carries in his hands private communications for me. And knows where I live.

Maybe I am making this all up, but one thing is sure: I need to stop taking for granted that I will always fly under the radar. I need to always be conscientious about my presentation and careful in my actions – even after a workout, even when I’m tired or annoyed. I haven’t felt vulnerable in a long time, and now I do.

I don’t like it very much.