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2012Free Spirit
Comments on my recent post about dealing with the temptation to get my ears pierced ran inevitably toward the idea that one should do what makes one happy, especially when it comes to one’s body.
I replied there and repeat here, that we live among people, and the quality of our lives depends to a great extent on the relationships we create.
To be able to put at risk relationships that have endured decades on the hope that others of comparable richness will rise to take their place is an act of courage, no doubt.
I understand that a person has to be true to herself. But, in many issues – and perhaps in most of the issues of complex soul-searching – the truth is not so clear, at least to me.
Others seem to see my true nature so much more clearly than I can, and I have to ask myself whether I am being dense or they are jumping to unwarranted conclusions.
I know that a big part of my hesitation is that I am at a stage where moving forward is a big step – perhaps not so much externally as conceptually. Not moving forward is also a big decision, but not deciding is less so.
It would be nice to just allow myself to float the way my emotions lead.
I have often admired the free spirit, the person who goes their own way and is so interesting, unique, full of life! Thing is, it’s a high-risk game of chance; these people are the most intoxicating of souls when it all somehow comes together, but they are quite a mess otherwise.
Come to think of it, crossdressing, transgenderizing or otherwise jumping the gender tracks is a form of the free spirit, and indeed it throws off the very same wide chasm between outcomes, from the utterly bewitching to the painfully off-putting. Statistics be damned, the bell curve is, by my view, inverted when it comes to people living “free.” The boring middle class is the minority.
Perhaps then, I have allowed myself to take a shot at being that elusive free spirit through Janie. Perhaps I do it because I can, and because it allows me to be outside the constraints of “normality.” Perhaps I believe that it makes me a more interesting person than I was, or perhaps I am seeing all the rewards clearly and missing the reality of the risks (as they haven’t come home to roost, yet).
Only thing I know is that, at least for now, it makes me happy.
Shannon Townes
Well said. How I do wish that we could get together and talk. Your thoughts and views are so intriguing and…well, thoughtful.
It is so very easy for those of us “in the community” to sit back and give others opinions or advice about what they should do…what decisions they should make. I wonder if, maybe, those opinions are based on our own hopes and dreams…encouraging others to go for things we want for ourselves, and may not ever attain. Do we attempt to live vicariously through others? Perhaps….for some at least.
You are so right. The world is all about relationships, whatever the situation, social arena, business field…everything. Only the individual (in this case, you)can make the decision about what is best for the relationships they have, or want to have, in their life .
Just thanks for sharing this part of yours with all of us.
xxnicolecd69
Well said and very insightful. You have both obviously thought about this for a very long time. I know I have struggled with it as I am sure many others if not all have struggled at one time or another. Myself, it is guilt for what I am doing. Part of which is going against what society dictates as being normal. The other is deceiving my wife and family. I have tried to communicate with others hoping to get some insight or thoughts from them that I haven’t even considered, trying to find answers or to justify why I do what I do or have the desires that I have. Needless to say, it is a very big step for someone to take and potentially life altering. Someone once told me that when you are on your death bed, you don’t regret what you did, but what you didn’t do in your life. All well and said if it doesn’t hurt others but if there is potential to hurt someone with your actions then one has to be very sure it is what you want and it is best for you. So much easier said than done, lol. Do I sound confused myself?
Janie
Not confused, Nicole, but conflicted. You have desires that may be incompatible with one another and you are having trouble choosing. From your comment, it appears that you want to be accepted; you want to be a CD, you want to be honest, you want to be considerate of others, you want to follow your heart. Can you have them all? If not, which do you choose?
Shannon Townes
Good morning. I came back today to read over this again, and it s brought up another thought or two….oh dear!
We are all familiar with the thinking that part of the attraction of crossdressing, or anything TG, is the lure of the taboo…doing something we’re “not supposed to”. It’s a control issue, maybe. Don’t tell me what I can or can’t do…I’m in control here!
Could it be, for some, that hesitation to “move forward”, to see our path clearly as others claim to, is possibly the same control issue, be somewhat in reverse? For instance, your situation now….you can pick and choose when and where you are Janie…you are in control of that. But if one “moves forward”, suddenly we give up that control to the world around us…..and we HAVE to be female all of the time. We’ve really never been there before, it may scare us some, and we don’t want to give up our freedom of choice. Suddenly our female self isn’t just having fun…it has to work at life 24/7.
Just thinking out loud….sorta
Janie
Interesting take, Shannon. I would hate to think I am just being a reactionary and contrary brat, though. Sure, there’s an attraction in traveling own’s own road and making one’s own rules. But, it is my fondest yearning to be fully accepted within societal norms, and I would not have any need to find a new basis to set myself apart if that ever came to pass. Moreover, I don’t think control is at issue here – at least for me. The “moving forward” challenge is, externally, about managing the fallout from the reaction of people in my life should I commit to Janie in such a way that they might find out, and internally about genuinely accepting that this is really ok.
Beyond that, having a female life that is more than “just having fun” is not dependent on doing it full-time. Far from fearing the reality of female life as a reason not to go full-time, I have spoken previously (Being Janie is NOT Enough) about wanting even my part-time female life to be more about accomplishment and substance and contribution rather than fun and games. Having the choice – or rather, what I would call the power – to change genders doesn’t really affect my hope that I can be a real person, working at life and achieving things in either role.