15
2012Double Life, Single Person
In the course of contemplating – ad infinitum, I might add – the authenticity of my femininity and my life as Janie, it finally occurred to me that I am actually quite unsettled by the idea of being two people – of leading a double life.
Personal reflection is a strange process by which you think about the same things over and over, until you think that maybe all that thought is just procrastinating away the actual real life you are supposed to be leading. But then, you consider something with ever-so-slightly different words, and suddenly, a door opens.
Such was the case about this double life thing.
Sure, I have always understood the pressures of leading this double life, of hiding things from people who are close to me, of having to remember which email address to use, and which name to respond to.
But, what choice did I have?
Like many folks, I adhere to a fairly classic take on gender roles. The trouble in my case is that I wanted them both – but given the pretty solid divide between gender roles that I subscribe to, I needed them to remain separate. Mixing pink and blue creates purple, and while (at least metaphorically) I love blue and pink, I (again metaphorically) abhor purple.
A number of friends warned me that it was very difficult to be both genders. Their advice was to choose one, and their expectation was that eventually the weight of the two lives would force my hand one way or the other. After all, I still get only 24 hours each day – and that’s not nearly enough time even for one life, never mind two.
Still, choosing one or the other was not an acceptable outcome, leaving a large part of myself without expression. Besides, there is much more to the double life dilemma than I have been able to express in this post. And, there is light on the other side of that door I mentioned at the outset.
Come back for my next post for further details.
Andie Davidson
Janie, I wonder if you are simply not seeing that your “male expression” is an aspect of Janie? Some people refer to the difficulty many have in realizing that “male privilege” is a social presumption that makes many women (or in some circumstances) less able to play an equal role. “Male as default” is by and large the way things are, so being a man allows you to do some things, or have certain assumed “powers and rights”, without question. I think we know that. And I think it is very hard to let go that position. What is it that Janie can’t express that your male side can? What if you simply accepted that Janie is all of you, and that sometimes she adopts masculine behaviors, assumptions and ways? Do you think that would undermine her (your) integrity, and why?
Janie
Andie, there is no reason why Janie can’t be a little masculine at times, I suppose. But, being that I am a man, it would seem silly to go to the trouble of transforming into a female only to behave the way a man does.
Like it or not, “male as default” is a fact of my life. I don’t accept that it applies in society, nor do I accept the concept of male privilige. If I did, why would I want the role of a female for myself?
But, I was born as a man, so yeah, that’s the default for me. Almost everyone whose sex is male adopts the male gender. So, to do otherwise is something that needs to be understood well as to its motivations and underpinnings.
Andie Davidson
There’s the crux:
“But, I was born as a man, so yeah, that’s the default for me. Almost everyone whose sex is male adopts the male gender. So, to do otherwise is something that needs to be understood well as to its motivations and underpinnings.”
Transitioning for me has been very much an affirmation that being a man/woman has little to do with genitals. I might even venture to say “I was born with a woman’s soul and brain” so why would I want to be a man? For me there is nothing default about being born with a penis, other than the expectation of others. I can’t express my identity in terms of motivations either. It’s just what I am. What is sex? What does “born a ~” mean? Do you mean the same as gender? I am not a feminine male, nor a masculine woman. Like everyone I have a mix, but nothing would persuade me that on balance I am male, whatever my body said. I illustrate this by supposing, through disease or injury or surgery, losing all physiological sex markers. I think most of us would still know what gender we were.
Janie
Two points. First, I believe that if some number well in excess of 90% of humanity manifests something, it is the default. Here: born with male genitals correlates with male gender; there is no denying the statistics. So, for almost everyone on the planet, there is no difference between genitals and gender. You may be an exception; I may even be, but I feel the obligation to take a long and hard look when claiming to be such a rare creature.
Second, that is a fascinating assertion that we would know what gender we were even without physical markers. Sure, once we adopt a gender it would not change if one lost their physiological sex markers, but that would be true even for 100% learned behavior. The instructive question is what about if we NEVER had those physiological markers in the first place?
Ashley
I know I’ve said on this forum that you can’t be both genders for very long and that one will pull you towards one of the poles of the binary. It is also true that very very few human traits characteristics and activities are dependent on physical sex. And you can also blend your feminiity and masculinity together in whaever combination you see fit no matter your physical sex.
You’ve also mentioned in another post about perhps being a (very) feminine male. In both dress and deportment. This is difficult to sustain for a lot of reasons, sociolgical and physical. Socilogical because the “straight” world doesn’t accept feminine males very well and neither does the “gay” world. The latter is somewhat surprising, but most gay men want other men who look and act like men. Gay women don’t fathom femme men even more.
So gay or straight, life is difficult for the feminine man; much more so than for the Transgendered.
Janie
Ashley, what you say is fascinating, because it has been my perception that feminine males are far and away more acceptable to everyone – men, women, relatives, strangers, gay, straight – than transgendered people. And, social acceptability does play a part in the choices we make, so having an accurate impression of things is important.
xxnicolecd69
I think this is a situation all people deal with to some extent. I truly believe we all have alter egos and I think one is more dominant over the other. In the rare case where both alter egos or personalities are equal in strength, then there is inner termoil as each one is struggling for dominance. I have always called my alter ego, nicole, my dark side, hidden from view and from most if not all people but she does struggle to come out once and a while. But my male persona is the dominant side of me. Others may have a nice and a not so nice side, or a loud and a quiet side. We I believe have a more complex dual persona to deal with and that makes it more challenging and dare I say, Fun.
Janie
That’s the thing, Nicole, to enjoy it. It is about sorting out the various parts of oneself into a coherent and happy person.