17
2012Double Life – Self-Image Problems
Aside from the practical and emotional and time-management problems (which I alluded to last time) of leading this double life, of two separate lives under one brain and body, there are self-image issues.
Talking to Myself
I’d look at myself in the mirror and worry that maybe I wasn’t feminine enough – inside and out – to consider myself a woman. This is not simply an appearance thing – or even mannerism thing. Often, looking at my reflection morphed into a conversation with myself, a reflection of a deeper sort.
Sometimes, I asked myself if maybe I was fooling myself; maybe I was faking it. Was I pretending to be female, or was I really partly female? I consoled myself with the notion that awkwardness was to be expected in behaving in a way that was unlike the way I had been used to for decades.
But, the question never completely went away, even as things became more natural for me. One of the main reasons I allowed that doubt to gnaw away at me was that I don’t think I ever really accepted what I had appropriated – that I could be two separate people.
More and more, that question escaped beyond the boundaries of philosophy and into practicality.
Not the Man I Used to Be
That same mirror would stop me on the other end of this double life too. I’d see my male self and realize that whatever he once was, he was now looking like something else. It’s not that his personality was much changed as much as it was his appearance, and the disconnect between the two was quite upsetting.
I’d allowed myself the conceit that I could look handsome with longer hair, but seriously, once the hair got beyond shoulder length, it just looked plain ridiculous on the man that I am – even in a pony-tail. I started to fold my pony-tail under and that helped, but the longer nails were still a huge problem, and it can only get worse, as I contemplate piercing my ears and other things.
Woman-Focused Space – You Mean Me?
And then, quite recently, there was this: I received an invitation to a female-only event, one that was described as a “woman-focused space… by women for women… a celebration of all that is female, in the broadest interpretation of the word.” They even explicitly welcomed cross-dressers in feminine mode.
I don’t pretend to fully understand my own emotions, but for whatever reason despite their inclusiveness, I had misgivings about attending, and I didn’t end up going.
Along the same lines, it has occurred to me that I am not entirely comfortable referring to myself as a woman, or female. In an earlier version of my About page on this site, I expressed my feelings as follows: “I am usually female, but never quite completely.”
I thought that statement was clever, but now I realize that never quite completely being female is also a way of expressing my doubts, my never quite completely being sure about being female.
Jamie
this might be good for you to realize these things now – obviously, you probably would not be happy with SRS, if you’re still harboring such doubts about your femininity.
perhaps, like many, for whom their transgenderness is only a sexual fetish, you have been swept away by all the other blogs, and felt, “Oh. . . that must be what I am, too.” but maybe it’s not. Maybe it is just your kink.
and if that’s the case, you should be thankful – it’s a lot easier to deal with a kink than it is being in the wrong body.
Janie
Jamie, there is much wisdom in what you say, but please realize that I have never contemplated SRS. Further, though I still allow for the possibility, it is unlikely my feminine expression is a fetish. I simply like to live and be treated as a female most of the time.
cyrsti
Janie, have you considered you could be increasingly “gender fluid”?
Of course I have have experienced the same feelings as you and finally came to the conclusion to embrace them.
Indeed we will never be a genetic female in the literal sense but we will be a woman in our own ways -which is why you were invited to the meeting.
Just think of it this way- as you work your way through this: you are getting your male fluids changed to feminine ones. But that does not mean you forget he got you here.
Janie
I like your idea of being “a woman in our own way.” Accepting that we will never truly be women, but “women in our own way” sounds more authentic to me.
xxnicolecd69
Fascinating reading. I read this a few days ago and did not want to reply right away, as I wanted to reflect on my own feelings and my own confusion in the matter. To me, it is not a lifestyle but an erotic and sensual adventure. I do not desire SRS or even to live as a woman full time. Obviously, there are varying degrees to which individuals will take this situation of ours and mold it to their own preferences or needs. It is lonely for me as I would love to be able to share my alter ego with someone but it has been a very difficult decision to make. I know my SO would not approve and so I seek someone else, but also, I do not wish to deceive or cheat on my SO. Alas, a conflict of desires and my own morals. This has not been an easier journey for me, as it has taken many years of self analysis to reach this point of indecision. To me, ideally, I could live as me and bring out nicole whenever the mood strikes me and be accepted. After all, isn’t that what we all want in the end is acceptance? Be true to ourselves and do what makes us happy, yes, I know, very easy to say and very hard to initiate. My two cents anyway.
Janie
Nicole, I don’t pretend to know your situation, but we often underestimate the people we love. If this is something that you do once in a while for fun, you may find that your SO might be able to at least tolerate it. Sometimes our cages are ones of our own making.
I am unclear as to whether you would want to bring out Nicole for a sexual liaison or just to dress up and, say, go out. – the latter being something that you might be able to manage more easily without violating your morals. Just throwing out ideas here…
Finally, not to make light of your situation – please don’t take this in that way – but I love your turn of phrase: “it has taken many years of self-analysis to reach this point of indecision.” Don’t I understand that! That’s brilliant, and I hope you don’t mind my using it in the future.
xxnicolecd69
Hello Janie, thank you for the reply! and input. I guess, I am not willing to take the chance of exposing myself to my SO for fear of the consequences. This has been the conclusion after some subtle hints dropped over the years and the bait was not taken. I think, as you said, maybe going out or dressing with someone with a similar desire would be the way to go and with no pressure.
I appreciate that you liked my phrasing very much. Sometimes I have difficulty expressing myself. I would be honoured for you to use it.
nicole