05
2012Strange Limits
Funny what limits we set for ourselves…
I live my life as Janie well over half the time; I go out for walks in the neighborhood; I drive, shop, go out to eat.
On a different tack, I have done laser to make my body and face hairless, and I have grown my hair out.
But, strange as it may seem, one thing I can’t bring myself to do is pierce my ears.
Allow me to explain.
I have spoken before of keeping separate my male and female lives. It seems to be not only an externally generated thing, i.e., for the benefit of my friends and family, but an internally important one too.
Anyway, insofar as I live as a guy, having my ears pierced would be a significant issue in the circles in which I travel. No less so has been my long hair. The way I see it, I can get away with one or the other, but going for both is pushing things one step too far. Friends indulge each others’ foibles, but at some point you can put yourself outside their comfort zone and the friendship is compromised. Pierced ears is no biggie on its own, but in the context of my having changed so much, it may be that one step too far.
Beyond that, there is the issue of presentability. Generally, I tie my hair back and even fold my pony tail under to create a more conservative masculine appearance for business and for family. Trouble is, this exposes my ears, so that just when I am trying to put forth my best and most serious masculine front, those tiny holes are most evident and will surely undermine my efforts.
My dad for sure would freak. And, I know that he will say things to me that others may think but never voice, so that in a sense he is speaking for them too.
Maybe I am making too much of all this. Perhaps no one would notice, or if they did, would not care.
You’d think that all the steps I have taken so far would have convinced me that this is my life, and I should live it as I wish, damn the torpedoes.
What do you think? Have you had similar hurdles to breach? How did you handle those?
Shannon Townes
I get it. Any one change on its own might not be a big deal, for long, but somebody might start putting them all together and think, “hey, wait a minute”..
This is the issue on the table for me right now. It’s a hurdle I’m standing here staring at. I’ll pass along the same things I’m telling myself.
First, I think you’ve already passed the biggest hurdle in presentation…hair removal. Unless you wear long pants all the time around family and friends, your shaved legs have already spoken volumes to them. Lots of guys, in all walks of life, have earrings. It has almost become a norm. Hair styles, and lengths, are also very diverse….but a guy with shaved legs, IMHO, isn’t just a fashion statement. Amazingly, I finally reached the don’t care point on this and don’t worry about covering my shaved legs.
Also, in your case, with that beautiful hair, I think earrings would be an accepted accessory. Maybe only one around family, but really, they’ve already accepted the long hair…I don’t think earrings would be a big shock. Plus, you don’t have to wear them all the time.
Finally, how often do you really pay that much attention to ears and earrings on other people? I mean do you check out everybody to see if they’ve got little holes in their ears? I think we get paranoid that any change we make will always be a big billboard hanging on us. That’s really a pretty self-centered view….and we’re all guilty. People are way too busy with their lives ya know?!
people already have perceptions of you, drawn from their view of long hair and smooth skin. I don’t think two little tiny holes would change or hurtthose perceptions
Shannon Townes
I get it. Any one change on its own might not be a big deal, for long, but somebody might start putting them all together and think, “hey, wait a minute”..
This is the issue on the table for me right now. It’s a hurdle I’m standing here staring at. I’ll pass along the same things I’m telling myself.
First, I think you’ve already passed the biggest hurdle in presentation…hair removal. Unless you wear long pants all the time around family and friends, your shaved legs have already spoken volumes to them. Lots of guys, in all walks of life, have earrings. It has almost become a norm. Hair styles, and lengths, are also very diverse….but a guy with shaved legs, IMHO, isn’t just a fashion statement. Amazingly, I finally reached the don’t care point on this and don’t worry about covering my shaved legs.
Also, in your case, with that beautiful hair, I think earrings would be an accepted accessory. Maybe only one around family, but really, they’ve already accepted the long hair…I don’t think earrings would be a big shock. Plus, you don’t have to wear them all the time.
Finally, how often do you really pay that much attention to ears and earrings on other people? I mean do you check out everybody to see if they’ve got little holes in their ears? I think we get paranoid that any change we make will always be a big billboard hanging on us. That’s really a pretty self-centered view….and we’re all guilty. People are way too busy with their lives ya know?!
people already have perceptions of you, drawn from their view of long hair and smooth skin. I don’t think two little tiny holes would change or hurt those perceptions….and keep in mind, the hair and skin always go with you…you can always just leave the earrings at home.
Now that I’ve “counseled” you, I’ll go back and re- read, since I’m really talking to both of us
Claire
It’s not so much the “putting it together” as it is the , “I’m not sure why this guy I’ve known as a conservative fellow is now growing his hair, but he probably hasn’t lost his mind and is the same as before.” Every additional thing this person has to convince themselves to overlook is also a reason they might decide that I have indeed changed and am no longer the person they knew. People tend to hang out with those much like themselves, and when one changes too much, they can be said to have grown apart, as it were.
Meg
I have little hair to speak of, so by your logic I could get my ears pierced. I’ve asked many women at craft shows why they don’t sell sets with clip-ons ~ they always say it’s too expensive or hard, but I want them to think about it.
I think the reason I haven’t had my ears pierced is it would be too dam expensive. I’d start buying necklace/earring sets, and I’d wipe out the department store earring stands.
For the same perverse reason, I’m sort of glad I wear 11W shoes. If I wore, say, a 7M, I’d have an empty purse and a closet full of shoes!
Claire
LOL Meg. Yeah, sometimes it’s just easier to set one limit (or have one set for you) and prevent having to deal with several others that would inevitably follow. Many times, I have found myself trying to deide between colors of a top or skirt in a store, and am quite thiankful to realize that one of them is out of stock in my size – otherwise I’d have bought them both.
As to the earrings, everyone’s situation is different. Short hair is not a green light to pierce one’s ears; it all depends on your social circle, an what the people you know expect of you.
Andie Davidson
Same story for me Janie. Just didn’t last too long! People inevitably enquired about the nail varnish I left on (well, it takes time to do well doesn’t it?) and the long hair. It’s just they didn’t know my 2+2 sum wasn’t the same as theirs, so I ended up feeling free to explain. Then I wondered why I hadn’t done my ears ages before. And then it all made so much more sense to give up the old gender I didn’t care. I went for it, totally, completely, found a tremendous support from everyone around me and – well, that was it. No looking back for a second. This may not be your journey, or not yet. But let it, if it makes sense. Your life belongs to no-one else and to no-one else’s opinions.
Claire
“Your life belongs to no-one else and to no-one else’s opinions.” As I said in a previous reply to you, I agree to a point. But we do have to live among people. Just because we expect people to tolerate the infinitely various iterations of personal expression doesn’t mean people actually approve or like it. I want more than tolerance in my life, and though a certain measure of individualism is non-negotiable, a measure of conformity helps greatly in building relationships and common ground. The trick is in getting the balance right.
Klyde
I think you have probably struck the right balance for you and your life right now.
Klyde
And that pic ; a homerun.
Claire
You’re sweet 🙂
Ashley
my mom didn’t get her ears pierced until well into her 40s. But back then it WAS a major deal as the jewelry stores did it with a needle and ice. Now they just shoot a stud thru with a gun. So ther’s less pain. Also they have specific studs now for guys. The stigma is still around but not nearly as much.
Besides, pretty soon SOMEONE you don’t want to find out will find out. I;m sure your family suspects as you can’t be that masculine with all the gender you’ve been leaking lately.
Claire
Well gee, Ashley. I hope you’re not actually as clairvoyant as you sound. Are you saying that I shouldn’t bother concerning myself with hiding my secret since I am oomed to fail anyway?
nicole
Years ago, I did my left ear with a sterilized needle and an ice cube. It was all very erotic. When dressed I always had a dangly earring in my left ear. At that time, it was not common for a male to have both ears done. I found while dressed, it was just another aspect to add to my femininity and feeling sexy. It has grown back in now as my children asked why Daddy had an earring and I had no good answer, so I took it out. I do regret it now. Sigh….