Dec
17
Aside from the practical and emotional and time-management problems (which I alluded to last time) of leading this double life, of two separate lives under one brain and body, there are self-image issues.
Talking to Myself
I’d look at myself in the mirror and worry that maybe I wasn’t feminine enough – inside and out – to consider myself a woman. This is not simply an appearance thing – or even mannerism thing. Often, looking at my reflection morphed into a conversation with myself, a reflection of a deeper sort.
Sometimes, I asked myself if maybe I was fooling myself; maybe I was faking it. Was I pretending to be female, or was I really partly female? I consoled myself with the notion that awkwardness was to be expected in behaving in a way that was unlike the way I had been used to for decades.
But, the question never completely went away, even as things became more natural for me. One of the main reasons I allowed that doubt to gnaw away at me was that I don’t think I ever really accepted what I had appropriated – that I could be two separate people.
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Dec
15
In the course of contemplating – ad infinitum, I might add – the authenticity of my femininity and my life as Janie, it finally occurred to me that I am actually quite unsettled by the idea of being two people – of leading a double life.
Personal reflection is a strange process by which you think about the same things over and over, until you think that maybe all that thought is just procrastinating away the actual real life you are supposed to be leading. But then, you consider something with ever-so-slightly different words, and suddenly, a door opens.
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Nov
14
Comments on my recent post about dealing with the temptation to get my ears pierced ran inevitably toward the idea that one should do what makes one happy, especially when it comes to one’s body.
I replied there and repeat here, that we live among people, and the quality of our lives depends to a great extent on the relationships we create.
To be able to put at risk relationships that have endured decades on the hope that others of comparable richness will rise to take their place is an act of courage, no doubt.
I understand that a person has to be true to herself. But, in many issues – and perhaps in most of the issues of complex soul-searching – the truth is not so clear, at least to me.
Others seem to see my true nature so much more clearly than I can, and I have to ask myself whether I am being dense or they are jumping to unwarranted conclusions.
I know that a big part of my hesitation is that I am at a stage where moving forward is a big step – perhaps not so much externally as conceptually. Not moving forward is also a big decision, but not deciding is less so.
It would be nice to just allow myself to float the way my emotions lead.
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Nov
07
I put nail polish on my fingernails a few days ago, and wow, what an incredible intrusion it has been in my life!
…no, not really in a bad way; more of an enlightenment really.
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Sep
29
I have spoken in the past about the feelings of discord that come from seeing my masculinity contaminate the feminine image I seek to project.
I have offered thoughts on the concept of shame and implied gender chauvinism (as in, “Why would you do that to a perfectly good guy?”).
But, I am coming to a different realization these days…
I don’t think it has anything to do with demeaning the male inside me, delusion or questions about the validity of my femininity.
Read More»Sep
26
At least in terms of my physical sex, I know I am not female. No one has to tell me that. I am clearly – and will forever be – male. (There are those who will argue that no matter the hormones or surgery, a person cannot change their sex – but that is a discussion for another day, and an issue of concern more for transsexuals than people like me.)
Gender is different than sex. Sex refers to biological differences. i.e., chromosomes, hormonal profiles, internal and external sex organs. Gender describes the characteristics that a society or culture delineates as masculine or feminine. (This description comes from Monash University in Australia, but the concept is the same on a hundred other sites.)
My gender is often feminine. I am happy to be treated as a woman, and behave in line with society’s expectations on women, and I am a person fortunate enough to have the natural gifts to enable me to do so.
Is my spirit female? I don’t know. Is there even such a thing? Ditto.
Am I pretending or acting? Not really – I mean to the extent I am not used to being feminine and during the time it takes me to learn, some things are put on. But what is not put on or fake are my feelings and the desire to be feminine and to be treated as female.
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Sep
19
I recently asked what purpose is served by splitting everyone up along gender lines. Today, I will offer a different perspective.
In my own personal experience, the reason I conceive of myself as either male or female, depending on which I am at the time, is because that is the way I understand other people.
Despite my particular situation, being a creature that can live on either side of the gender line, even I still understand humanity in male/female terms. Whatever gender variations are out there, I see them measured on the man-woman spectrum.
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Sep
17
Yeah, I’m a guy. And a gal. Why can’t I be both at once?
I have tried for quite some time now to try to conceptualize my gender identity. I have rejected many paradigms, but have yet to settle on one that feels right.
In some sense, I am both male and female. But, that makes me two people, and I’m not really, am I?
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Sep
04
As I have said previously, just being Janie is not enough. A person has to do something, be something.
Since I wrote that post, I have been busy working on creating my new site, and on opening up the possibilities of doing both modeling and photography. Other stuff is in the works.
It is not as if I had a lot of time on my hands before, but now that my girl life is taking on some real challenges and consuming more of my time and my thoughts, I have started to feel something strange.
For the first time, I have actually sought out my male side as a respite from the pressure of my female life.
I think it is quite common for guys with a female side to seek to escape the responsibilities and difficulties in their lives by turning to her. Among the many motivations I have discussed for my becoming Janie, this one was present.
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Sep
01
Now that I have discussed Roles (and Multiple Roles) and Impressions – The Message of Our Presentation, it is time to go back to the questions I posed last week about being an imposter or intruder.
The other day, I found myself having to switch back and forth between my two selves.
I woke up and went to a neighborhood cafe to write my blog as Janie.
But, I knew that my lunch was going to be with family members who expected “him” and this was to be followed by a little road trip to meet some people in the evening: more Janie-business.
It is a bit of a trip switching back and forth. Here is a stream of consciousness about my day: I put on an androgynous t-shirt and light-colored feminine jeans that roll up to capris, showing off my new anklet; I went to the bathroom at the cafe in the morning an used the women’s room; while working, my hair was getting in my face, so I took out my hair clip and pinned my hair up; just before leaving for lunch, I rolled down my jeans to cover my legs, and went back to the bathroom – this time the men’s room; as I was leaving, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror which reminded my to take that hairclip out of my hair (sheesh!), at which time I decided that a manly pony-tail was more in order; I had my lunch date, and then transformed myself back to the way I looked in the morning for the drive…
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