Jun
18
I doubt I am alone in confessing that I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I’m not talking so much about the makeup mirror, but more about just seeing the reflection of my female alter-ego.
It seems a common affliction of my tgirl sisters, and I am not immune. It is an old joke that if you want to stop a tgirl in her tracks just put up a mirror.
There are a number of reasons why we do this, and the reasons change for each of us over time.
In the beginning, for me, I think it was mostly about how I couldn’t believe it was actually me. Also, there tends to be a certain element of sexual arousal in a gurl’s early days.
The Mirror of Introspection
But all that has long past. These days, it is more about my questioning myself. And, to that end, I tend to inspect not just Janie’s reflection but that of my male self.
Loathe as I am to admit, seeing beauty in the mirror supports the notion in my mind that I am truly female and doing the right thing in following that path, while noticing masculinity in my reflection tends to incite doubts as to what this crazy guy is doing.
The truth of the matter is that neither is of any importance at all. It is all about what’s inside.
Read More»Jun
16
It has been quite a comedown, getting back to “normal” after being away.
It’s not that I am under any delusions that my crazy vacation approximates real life; it is more basic than that.
I was female non-stop for a sizable number of consecutive days, and without any restrictions on where I could or couldn’t, or fears of running into anyone.
You may have noticed that I was enjoying myself…
Now, I am back to worrying about my neighbors and certain areas of town – and it feels even more restrictive than before I left.
I am sure I will re-accustom myself to things, but for now it imposes a burden on being Janie that both discourages me from bothering and weighs on me regardless.
The disparity between the way I feel when I am away and when I am home may naturally fade in my consciousness with a bit of time, but I would be a fool to disregard it, or allow it to go unaddressed.
Something’s gotta give… either my actions or my attitude…
Jun
11
If you have been following my story, you no doubt note that I have never indicated that I had a torturing or desperate need to express my femininity. I am no transsexual.
It should be relatively clear that the female side of my self – which is utterly genuine – is something I express because it serves me.
Yes, it is something that comes naturally to me.
Yes, it is the most fulfilling expression of my sexuality.
Yes, I love being this way.
Yes, I am hoping to follow my feminine leanings in terms of building a better life for myself – maybe I can improve on the results I achieved as a man.
There are countless reasons why being female works for me, personally – coincidences, conveniences and others, which I will recount for you one day – and I have to say that I have doubts as to whether I would have followed this path if not for a virtual Red Sea parting before me along this path.
Read More»Jun
08
Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Life would be so simple if I just lived within the lines that society has drawn for me.
I look at regular people who have spouses and children and jobs and friends – and they seem to be happy and leading full and wholesome lives.
They never think about gender, or dating or STDs or marginalization or passing or sexual orientation, or leading double lives, or sneaking out of their houses…
It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery. And that’s before we even consider the external challenges.
In a way, it is a very positive thing. It has forced me to better understand myself, to open my mind to new ideas and to new feelings, and to become a better person.
But, there is much work left to be done, and until I can come to some comfortable understanding of the things that continue to trouble me, the whole house of cards is in jeopardy.
May
29
For a long time, just being the woman that I am was something, was enough.
I did everything that needed to be done as a man, and when it was time for fun, there was Janie, the party girl.
But, now I am realizing that Janie has to pull her own weight or risk becoming a fantasy, a pretense.
I cringe a little as I say this, but I need to undertake work, drudgery and conflict, commitment and responsibility, problems and challenges, routine and expectation – all as a woman if Janie is going to continue to feel real to me.
Funny, though, because part of the inner appeal of my femininity has been how light and wondrous it has felt. And, now I seem intent on weighing it down with reality.
Read More»May
28
After a week of partying with Wildside friends, there is a temptation for those of us who are struggling with the place of our feminine side in our lives to think that a week of such fun validates this lifestyle choice.
After all, we find friendship and common ground, we have no issues with acceptance and no need for pretence. And, quite understandably, our hearts soar.
The Pink Fog
We are liberated from our worries, freed of our real-world shackles, welcomed with open arms and smiles and laughter, and exposed to the company of role models and sisters of the same feather.
…and none of it would be possible without being T.
The people we meet would not be as open to meeting others if they weren’t T (we all know that making any new friends in middle age is tough, nevermind great friends). We wouldn’t be as needy without being T. The greatness of the people we meet is inseparable from their T-ness. The ease with which we all find common ground is tied into being T. And, so on…
It is almost irresistible to contemplate that our everyday lives could be just the same, if only…
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May
19
I spoke last time about my concern about getting a bruise while playing hockey as a guy.
But, that is just a little part of the bargain I have made with the devil.
As I live on both sides of the gender divide, I am finding more and more that compromises have to be made on each side in order to allow the other side to thrive.
For the most part, the compromises on Janie’s part are about the things I don’t do to myself – like hormones and breasts and facial feminization.
Though I never really quite thought it all through in advance, my guy side has been making compromises that are becoming all the more obvious as I go on.
Read More»
May
04
As regular followers have no doubt noticed, I have not been posting with my usual regularity recently.
Ah, the blogger’s life…
In the years that I have been writing this blog, I have never lacked for things to write about – such is the nature of the wondrous self-discovery that is part of the t-girl life.
And, to be honest, there are no shortage of ideas rolling around in my empty large head (too large for my body, if you ask me) at the moment.
The problem for me has been quite the opposite. I have had so many thoughts and emotions flitting in and out of my consciousness lately, that I feel like a kitten among mice running around and birds flying about… I can’t focus long enough on one to pin it down.
Read More»
Mar
06
I had the honor of being asked to do a guest post on Jessica de Leon’s fabulous blog, Jessica Who? To those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is a warm, outgoing, brilliantly funny, and insightful performer and writer. You owe it to yourself to spend some time with her and her friends.
My post, entitled “Second Nature Second-Nature” was published yesterday. To read it, click here. [Ed. Note: link disabled]
[Ed. Note from the future: It seems Jessica’s online presence has vanished – I really hope she is alright. If anyone has any information on her, please let me know. In the meanwhile, I have disabled the links originally provided – as someone else has taken over her site – and I am reproducing the content originally seen on her site (it is mine, after all), below.]
Second Nature Second Nature
Ever find yourself dancing around the house, feeling all feminine and joyful – or is that just me?
Umm… well, I am sure we all have our moments of inner contentment and happiness at how we are feeling as our female selves. In my case, just hearing some of my fave tunes when I am feeling that way will soon have me floating around with the music. (It would be a lot less embarrassing if I could dance at all…)
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Feb
23
For the first time in a long time I found myself thrilled to spend a day as a guy.
I’d almost forgotten how wonderful that can be.
So much so, that when I was doing some writing a month or so ago, I had more than a little difficulty finding any reason that truly resonated inside as to why a person would want to be a guy.
But manhood can be quite a rush. A powerful feeling and a feeling of power. A feeling of strength and control and competence in a way that’s completely different from the feminine versions of those things. (This is an astounding contrast with the feelings I expressed in this post from last summer.)
If I had to find a metaphor, it would be, um… shoes. Masculine shoes and feminine shoes. Oxfords and high heels.
Read More»
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