Yesterday, I was asked why I would feel inclined to try the boy thing again after having moved so far away from it over the past few years.

An interesting and instructive question at that.  So, here is how I answered the question, more or less:

It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed recently right here on my blog. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.

No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life, though she is not a dominant personality at all. The majority of my time has been spent as female for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.

I need a better understanding of where Janie came from, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.

In that regard, take note of a little inner conversation I had this morning when I got up after not nearly enough sleep.

I was sitting at the side of my bed, my head down, hair hanging over my face, elbows on my knees, getting ready to face the day.

I felt then, as I have at times, a certain hesitation – like if I just revved it up I could energize the dominant, male side of myself and handle the day that way…

…but I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to own that power…

…maybe it’s not worth it…

I was a bit surprised at myself.  It was a totally unintentional thought that came of its own accord, and that’s what made it so profound.  It certainly seems like an unguarded admission to self that I might be tired of fighting the fight, tired of being a guy, tired of the yoke of manly strength and reliability.

Or – not to make too much of it – maybe I was just tired…

Then again, I may have been subconsciously worried that if I went with it, I might leave Janie behind, and I am not prepared for that either – at least not yet.

I’m pretty sure it is one of those explanations… that is, unless you have a better one…