18
2012Appearances Can Be Deceiving
I doubt I am alone in confessing that I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I’m not talking so much about the makeup mirror, but more about just seeing the reflection of my female alter-ego.
It seems a common affliction of my tgirl sisters, and I am not immune. It is an old joke that if you want to stop a tgirl in her tracks just put up a mirror.
There are a number of reasons why we do this, and the reasons change for each of us over time.
In the beginning, for me, I think it was mostly about how I couldn’t believe it was actually me. Also, there tends to be a certain element of sexual arousal in a gurl’s early days.
The Mirror of Introspection
But all that has long past. These days, it is more about my questioning myself. And, to that end, I tend to inspect not just Janie’s reflection but that of my male self.
Loathe as I am to admit, seeing beauty in the mirror supports the notion in my mind that I am truly female and doing the right thing in following that path, while noticing masculinity in my reflection tends to incite doubts as to what this crazy guy is doing.
The truth of the matter is that neither is of any importance at all. It is all about what’s inside.
And, more’s the problem that some of us get quite desperate about changing that outer shell through surgery and hormones and such just to ensure harmony in the mirror, and convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing.
I think that’s a huge mistake; you have to know that you’re female before you make those outer changes. Cart, horse – ‘nuff said.
Speaking of Knowing…
I was thinking about all of this earlier today as I went for a long walk in a pair of cute short-shorts, a t-shirt and cowboy boots.
Walking after I had my morning coffee and wild-berry muffin, I felt good. As I bounced down the sidewalk in an energetic feminine gait, I closed my eyes and let my mind take in all that I was feeling and being.
And, I realized – maybe for the first time that I could really put my finger on it – that this was clearly different from the way I used to feel as that guy I always used to be. It wasn’t put on, or in a photograph or in the looking glass – it was inside, and unopposed.
It was spiritual. And, it was what I can only describe as… female.
The feeling may not last – or then again, it might. You have to give these things enough time to percolate.
just another tranny
Ifin ya gotta convince yerself you’re a girl, you AIN’T!
shantown
I disagree. Society conditions us for years, making us believe something else. That can be a hard wall to break thru…to convince ourselves differently.
Al n Vegas
For whatever my opinion is worth to you Jane, I look at it as if you feel like a girl, then you are a girl, and since no one knows you better then you are a girl. From what I have seen of you have “grown” into a pretty girl.
al
cdjanie
Thanks, Al
shantown
Oh, come on…that’s not fair…..describe a cute outfit for us…..and not include a picture. Gees!
Seriously, when we get in that zone you describe…one so totally and naturally female…what does it mean? Are we becoming more and more aware of our true self as the female inside us slowly bursts thru the outer shell? Or have we simply become a very good actress, one who, thru practice and experience, has become very adept at playing a role we really enjoy. Would I still feel that same enjoyment, or relaxation maybe, if I transitioned and was just a girl walking down the street.
Maybe it’s not so black and white an issue, but a continuum…and we’re all struggling to find our place on it.
I dunno. Wish I did. Then I could help both of us.
Now, about that picture….. 🙂
cdjanie
Shannon, I’m afraid part of the process of self-discovery there was the lack of self-consciousness, which would have been necessary for photos to be part of the mix. I didn’t think of the picture until I wrote the blog… but I am sure eventually something with that outfit will surface, since I think it’s awfully sexy – in a daytime, fun way.
shantown
I was just playing with ya about the picture, probably cause it does sound sexy . I’m really more interested in …””worried” maybe…about the girl wearing the outfit. Still praying for ya, gf.
cdjanie
Oh, don’t worry too much, Shannon. I’ll be just fine.
just another tranny
OK. Just for shits and giggles, let’s play along. “Janie” really IS a girl. So what now? Well if you really are a girl, whadda ya gonna do about that external plumbing? You know, your JUNK.
cdjanie
I like my body just the way it is. Could do with a bit more in the boob department, but that’s about it. Gender is not about plumbing. And, you are an ass.
shantown
Preach it, Janie! Great reply!
cyrsti
Another wonderful thought provoking post Janie, It sort of fits in with a post I’m working on — can you “engineer” a woman?
I have known several classic crossdressers…totally enamored with the mirror and their appearance BUT they went too far. Up to and including SRS in one case—and were miserable.
Both never had a clue of a feminine experience…as you said they put the cart way ahead of the horse and spent a lot of time with their beautiful heads up the horse’s rear.
Sure I love to look as good as I can but looks are just a small part of the process of my girlness.
cdjanie
Cyrsti, I would be very interested to hear more about these “train-wrecks” (riffing on your “engineer” comment). Their lessons learned could be invaluable guidance for the rest of us.
cyrsti
I promise a blog post tomorrow guaranteed to stir up some up some of the trans nazi’s on my blog lol!
I will call it “Trans Wrecks”
just another tranny
Perhaps, but doubtful. At least I don’t have to take it up the A**.
Ashley
Give yourself time. Go for another long walk as Janie, then as your guy self. (Do a hundred other things too) See which seems seems to be more fulfilling; where you seem to be more in tune with your surroundings, where you get the most satisfaction in your essence.. Do it for the next couple of months. Then ask yourself the question “was it better as Janie or as my guy self and which more often?”
Like I said in the post below, it is YOUR life and don’t care what ANYBODY else thinks about what you should do. No matter what you decide, you’ll have my support.
cdjanie
Thanks, Ashley. But you should know that your test is rigged. My female self is always more in tune with her surroundings – for me it’s part of the package. As a guy, I can be oblivious to all but what is relevant to my mission – also part of the package. Fulfillment is another question. I will do as you suggest, and see where it leads.
Denise Lovail
We can never be a genetic girl; no mater how much we add; how much we subtract we can be the best and have both the ultimate in sexuality a Trans-Girl.
cdjanie
Amen to that, Denise!
Andie Davidson
Be all that you are, and like stirring the tealeaves and letting them settle, you’ll know where you are, indeed spiritually, most at peace. Being a woman is not about being genetically this or that. For all I know I am just a female spirit in a male body. I cannot alter the genitals I had at birth, or the hormones that built this frame, but neither can I undo that I am female inside. Since living full time as a woman I have come to understand that living as a man simply does not make sense, however used to it I had become. You know, when this realisation comes. I wrote my journey in poetry too: http://www.bramleypress.co.uk/realisations/ – which might feel rather familiar.
cdjanie
Beautiful, Andie – both your note and your poem. Patience is a virtue I have in short supply, but I will stir and wait, and then stir some more… Thanks.