08
2012Greener Grass – The Simple Life
Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Life would be so simple if I just lived within the lines that society has drawn for me.
I look at regular people who have spouses and children and jobs and friends – and they seem to be happy and leading full and wholesome lives.
They never think about gender, or dating or STDs or marginalization or passing or sexual orientation, or leading double lives, or sneaking out of their houses…
It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery. And that’s before we even consider the external challenges.
In a way, it is a very positive thing. It has forced me to better understand myself, to open my mind to new ideas and to new feelings, and to become a better person.
But, there is much work left to be done, and until I can come to some comfortable understanding of the things that continue to trouble me, the whole house of cards is in jeopardy.
larry
I am one of those “regular ” people you speak of. And just an FYI–
You are someone whom I have a lot of respect for because you have the guts to take the system on. Just saying……
cdjanie
That’s a really nice thing to say, Larry – and something I think I needed about now. Thanks, hun! 🙂
Ashley
You said: “It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery.”
Being trans is just that sef-examination and discovery. The mixed upportion is because you’re conflicted about yourself in some way. That will become clearer through time AND further introspection. our RLE you alluded to earlier will confirm your feelings one way or the other.
cdjanie
Goodness, Ashley, it’d be great if you’re right – and as good a reason as I need to do what you call RLE.
cyrsti
It’s a life we are born into and yes it is so nice some of us get to experience it rather than be stuck in some deep dark closet.
One point though, all those folks with all those seemingly “normal” lives–are the ones with those pesky skeletons in the closet.
As my daughter says, if you have those skeletons you better teach them to dance-faster!
The excercise keeps them tired and the owner’s “normal” appearance intact.
cdjanie
Your daughter is a smart cookie, Cyrsti. Is everyone damaged? Are those folks with “normal” lives really so rarely what they seem?
Klyde
I think you are right using the word “seem.” In reality most people lead lives of quiet desperation. We lead unexamined lives living inside the box society has prepared for us. You could try to surpress your true self and yea some problems would disappear but others would pop up; primarily the constant nagging feeling that something is wrong deep inside.
I admire your courage and strength and I apprecieate you sharing your journey with us.
cdjanie
Thanks Klyde, both for your encouragement and your very sensible comment.
just another tranny
I still don’t get it What’s the problem with just continued X-dressing?
It has worked fine so far. What is the point of putting yourself in a position which can only leader to greater frustration.
Just exactly what is it that you think you need and that dressing f/t might provide?
cdjanie
I never really did the “just crossdressing” thing. I have always believed that my femininity runs much deeper than that; the clothing is just a reflection of my inner self. But “being” female is no achievement; it is just being – like being male. I am not planning to be female full-time. I am not planning to be female any more often than I am already – which is most of the time – and has been for more than a year.
It has taken some time to get used to the changes that are required of me to be female, but now, given that I already spend most of my time as Janie, there is little excuse for being a layabout or not going out and doing something worthwhile with my time as a woman. If I can’t do that, then I pretty much have to either give it up or constrain the female side of me to recreational activities and allocate much less time to her.
I am not so much moving further into womanhood as I am asking myself to justify or validate the time and importance I have already given to my female life.
Cassie Play
I don’t think there are “Regular People” Janie…
But what kind of person would you be if you didn’t do what you know you have to?
I think that’s a Gorgeous picture of you by the way ; )
cdjanie
Yeah, that’s the big question, darling. I’ve already done the “regular” thing – and always taking the safe road didn’t lead to fulfillment, that’s for sure.
paula
Of course you are assuming that those apparently normal people are just what they seem, maybe they have the same of similar conflicts, maybe they are the people who read our blogs. Everyone has issues, personal, financial, what ever, it’s just that you are happy to talk about and show us yours
cdjanie
Yes, Paula – you’re probably right on that.
shantown
Okay, gf, I have to”fuss” about one thing…..only cause I’m paddling with ya here.
You said “regular people”. Who says they are “regular”…well, except you. 🙂 To say that shows that you accept society’s view of “regular”. To say that means that, by definition you….we…are “irregular”. Are we not wanting society to know that we are “just regular people”? Is that maybe the source then of the conflict you are going through….that I and so many others share with you? The conflict is not so much with ourselves, but with the societal norm of “regular”. If we let ourselves subscribe to that, even subconsciously or accidentally, then we shoot ourselves in the foot, don’t we….unless we are comfortable with being irregular”
cdjanie
Notice that I used “regular” instead of “normal” – and for very good reason. No, I don’t think we are just regular people; we are different in a very personal way from 99% of others.
shantown
I don’t disagree at all. I’d just like to throw “regular” in the same trash can with “normal”. “Different” is much better. The difference can be a positive one. The other comparisons are too negative for me.
shantown
So, to finish (hit the wrong key on my phone) , I sure don’t want your house of cards to crumble. I had a friend say many times, “baby steps, baby steps. Take it one day at a time”. She went through a very deep introspection, like you are now….and is FT now, still with her wife. Not too sure where she fits on that “regular” scale.
Hugs to ya, Hon. Still walking that path….