Aug
25
After some time as a guy, it has become a bit easier to notice some of the differences in the way being a woman makes me feel.
Long gone are the days when I would dress to turn myself on. Was a time, I would look in the mirror and see a hottie (my opinion only) staring back at me, and that was enough.
These days, I dress appropriately to the task of meeting and attracting others – friends acquaintances and others – and functioning in society while expressing my own personal style.
As I have been flittering through my home, I realize that being female means being aware – of oneself, of one’s environment and of others.
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Aug
12
I decided to make a trial run of my return to being Janie today.
I don’t know why I chose this particular moment; I had to rush like mad to get ready if I was to make my appointed rounds. And, after so long, I wasn’t sure whether I would remember everything – the makeup, the jewelry, the purse, the walking, the voice. But, I had decided, and when a girl makes up her mind, there’s no reasoning with her.
Or, maybe that’s just me.
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Aug
09
Some of you may be wondering, as one reader asked me the other day, why “all this self-doubt has surfaced.”
First, I thank all of you for your concern and encouragement. But, don’t worry, I’m not despairing.
The truth is, I have kinda forced the issue…
I have been Janie for some time now, and for the most part, I have just let things unfold as nature would have them unfold, and took it as it came.
I have followed a well-worn path of first dressing alone at home, then, feeling the need to get out of the house, I started going to clubs and finding out-of-the-way shops and cafes. I started posting photos and thoughts on the internet, feeling that the vastness of the world-wide-web offered sufficient protection to my identity – that those I knew would be unlikely to run across my images – and that has held true, so far.
But, as Janie develops, I have found that it is never enough.
Read More»Aug
08
After more than two weeks of uninterrupted manhood (slightly impurified by the Janie duties to which am committed and to which I had to attend) I tentatively put my toe in the waters of femininity today.
I am just wearing short workout shorts and a cropped t-shirt and running shoes, but, for the first time in a while, I am allowing my feminine persona to emerge a little, just to feel what it is like. I am still not certain whether the experiment of being a guy is over, but I wanted to see the difference, if only for a day.
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Aug
03
Am I trans?
Seems like a ridiculous question. And yet, here I am asking it anyway.
This is not a semantic or political issue for me, and it’s not a debate about the meaning of the word or the condition.
The question is meant simply to ask whether the girl part of me is really part of my true nature or not.
I have been an observer of this scene long enough to have come to the conclusion that there are a host of reasons why guys dress up as girls, and many of them have little to do with a female spirit living inside them – at least in my view.
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Jul
22
Yesterday, I was asked why I would feel inclined to try the boy thing again after having moved so far away from it over the past few years.
An interesting and instructive question at that. So, here is how I answered the question, more or less:
It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed recently right here on my blog. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.
No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life, though she is not a dominant personality at all. The majority of my time has been spent as female for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.
I need a better understanding of where Janie came from, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.
In that regard, take note of a little inner conversation I had this morning when I got up after not nearly enough sleep.
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Jul
03
I have run a few posts questioning my sanity and wondering whether I should be doing this tgirl thing.
In response, a friend (possibly tiring of my incessant whining 😉 ) wrote in and advised me to stop overthinking my existence and just enjoy being who I am – “one pretty, feminine girl,” in her words.
My first thought in answer to her comment was, “I wish I were as sure as you are.”
But, a more interesting thought followed on its heels, as I wrote my response to her comment.
I said then, “Believe me, if the world around me laid down a path to happiness lined with pink flowers and lace, I’d not think twice about it.”
As the words escaped my keyboard, their truth rang out.
It seems that what is not among the many uncertainties with which I am grappling, is any doubt that I would be perfectly happy to live as a woman.
Read More»Jun
29
Many of us t-girls struggle with doubts about whether what we are doing is natural or delusional, self-fulfilling or self-destructive… or is it just me?
The problem is one of perspective.
Read More»Jun
28
Sometimes it is nice to get outside on a beautiful day and commune with nature.
That was my inspiration today as I fled downtown after being stood up (that story another time).
So, I went for a walk on a trail,
among the birds and bees,
the leaves and trees,
the gravel and stone…
On my own,
really alone…
It put me at ease.
Jun
20
I go through many ups and downs in trying to figure out my own personal truth, and I have chronicled some of that on this blog.
In the midst of one recent period of questioning whether the whole thing was/is a sham – thoughts like “C’mon, I’ve always been a guy, still am; why am I doing this to myself?” – I came across the touching and uplifting story of Janet Mock, the beautiful and articulate People Magazine editor who came out as trans in a wonderful interview with Marie Claire magazine.
She has written a book and posted a video of encouragement to transgender youth on youtube (which I have for you, natch!)
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