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2011Now Why Did I Start This?
Many of us t-girls struggle with doubts about whether what we are doing is natural or delusional, self-fulfilling or self-destructive… or is it just me?
The problem is one of perspective. 
It is the rare gurl who is self-aware enough to have properly documented her perceptions throughout the process.
When we first start out, there is an impetus for initiating these changes. There is surely much uncertainty and unknown in terms of what may lie ahead, and even whether this is the right road to take, but our motivations are at their clearest right then.
I have no recollection of how I felt back then, to be honest. But oh, how I wish I did.
I’d like to know if the girl I’ve become has anything to do with the needs I felt back then. I’d like to know what the guy I was then thinks of the girl I am now.
The person I am now is feminine, is smooth and hairless, has long curly hair and long-ish nails colored with nail polish. I am not equipped to judge what I have become.
Or am I?
(Note that I spoke about the issue of perspective a while back, from a somewhat different, um, perspective, so if you’d like more, see: Cross Contamination)
Cassie
That’s the 64,000 Question isn’t it Janie : )
Cyrsti
Off the subject Janie, do you feel the use of the word gurl or grrl is un feminine? It rolls somewhat like Scrarrrnton (Scranton) and YYYonkers? Rough and mean.
I feel calling you a gurl is very unflattering as you are very feminine!
cdjanie
No Cyrsti. Funny how each of these words seems to resonate differently with different folks. I like grrl especially – in my mind, the soft growl of a kitten that’s not to be trifled with. Urban Dictionary says “lesbian and bisexual girls have adopted this spelling (grrl) to describe themselves as an outcast or different type of the typical “girl.”” I’m good with that.
deena17
Well you know what the saying is … the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual is simply time. I will tell you this, your judgement will be altered if (or maybe when) you knock down the Testosterone with some blockers and elevate the Estrogen. Your life will be simpler if that’s not where you are heading. But, will it be you?
cdjanie
Well, if it isn’t altered already, I’m sure hormones would do the trick. But that’s all the more reason to get one’s mind straight beforehand.
shantown
Hold on here…… “I am not equipped to judge what I have become.”
Why bother? Just enjoy your life… who you are…which is one pretty, feminine girl.
Don’t judge it… just live it!!
cdjanie
There is much to recommend more “do” and less “think”, but then again, there’s the powerful idea that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” As with many things, it’s about finding the right balance. But believe me, if the world around me laid down a path to happiness lined with pink flowers and lace, I’d not think twice about it. (Goll darn, Shannon, I think that’s the second comment in a week from you that is likely to turn into a blog post of its own! Thanks, sweetie!)