Apr
03
Why do I do this gender thing? This is a big question for me.
Many people have a ready answer, “I was born this way.” I am not sure I believe that about myself, and even if it is so, there is not enough there to stop and put the pen down.
I have noted the number of issues in my life that being Janie has addressed. She has added excitement and motivation to my life, she has increased my self-esteem, she has helped me break some debilitating patterns – and there is lots more I expect to come.
But, I have struggled with the idea that instead of this craziness, of dressing like a woman and having to deal with the doubts I have, the social risks, and other attendant lifestyle risks, that I should just “man up” and get help if necessary, but solve my problems in the “normal” way, through personal growth, and addressing the real concerns instead of doing an end-around.
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Mar
04
The fluid nature of gender roles over time provides more proof that what it means to be a man changes depending on the era and the culture and probably the circumstances. It is common to cling to current sensibilities as if they were pronounced from on high, but recall that the Roman soldiers wore skirts into battle and the males in French aristocracy in the middle of the last millennium wore long hair, wigs, heels, etc.
Mind you, I am not sure the role differences changed as much as the expectations for clothes and appearance.
I respect everyone’s right to choose their gender role, but for myself, I confess to liking the idea of men and women who are distinctly different.
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Feb
23
In all my recent writing about contemplating an adjustment to the way I express my femininity, there is one huge presumption: that I have a choice.
This is not a popular concept within the transgender (or even gay) community, and I am not going to undertake the futile task of even suggesting that my feelings apply to anyone but me. Suffice it to say that there are those who believe that it is a stronger statement to say “I choose to be” than it is to say “I can’t help it,” though the latter has always been a better political argument.
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Feb
12
The recent implosion of my yaoi gender identity project (as described here) deserves just a little more attention.
My attempt at an androgynous presentation was shot down in no uncertain terms by a family member – which was somewhat shocking considering the contrast to the reactions, or rather lack of reaction, from close friends.
But there was an important distinction.
The family member in question KNOWS about Janie. And my androgynous appearance was in circumstances where we had agreed Janie would not appear.
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Feb
09
As much as theoretically I saw a helpful gender identity distinction at the boundary-line between male and female, I have found the distinction difficult to sustain on the ground.
For me to behave in a feminine manner, I have to channel a distinctly female energy within myself. I am not able to become a feminine man other than by seeing the world from as female a perspective as I can muster, and then stepping back over the line by filtering out certain clothes.
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Jan
24
I obviously recognize that whatever I have done or wanted to do as a woman – or, on the other hand, as a man, “I” (as in the whole of me) did or wanted to do. And, despite genuinely feeling that these were two distinct and separate parts of me, I always felt just a little fraudulent implying with my separate personas that I was somehow two separate people. I was not and am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, I have always been fully aware of both sides of myself, I knew I had but one body, one brain, one heart.
In short, regardless of how it’s framed, whether a feminine male or two personas, I must “own” all of it.
My increasing realization that Janie is me and I am Janie, and that I was never comfortable with the logical flaw in seeing myself as two people has led me to try to find a way to make it all one.
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19
Updating my male gender identity to include seeing my male self in feminine terms would be a most profound change for me. What I am contemplating here flies in the face of everything I have done to defend the purity of my male self as a regular guy separate and apart from my feminine side. That was precisely the driving force behind the emergence of a separate persona to express a side of me that was incompatible with who I had been until then.
Nowhere is this more profound than in terms of my sexuality.
To me, being Janie means not only the superficial, social and emotional aspects of womanhood, but also an attraction for men. As I have always viewed sexuality in heterosexual terms, it was so implicit that I never gave it much thought: like duh, if I am female, I am attracted to men.
But then, if I am morphing the straight woman that Janie is into a feminine male version of myself, then I would have to get my mind around the idea that I, as a guy, can be attracted to men.
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Jan
14
The last time I spoke about gender identity, I spoke about applying the concept of a yaoi character to my own life, of perhaps being an extremely feminine male. It may seem very similar to what’s going on now, but there are important differences that make it both appealing and challenging.
In my mind, the whole concept can be described succinctly and bluntly as essentially Janie without the claim of womanhood and without the second identity (or gender identity). And, quite possibly without the heels and skirts.
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Jan
09
Yaoi, to my understanding, are cartoons involving love between young men possessed of a large dose of feminine beauty. I have been wondering lately whether such a concept has any application to me. (I realize that I have briefly explored this concept of gender before, but I think I am a bit more open to the idea than I was then.)
Thinking about the gender spectrum, what if I, or rather my gender mix, took a step back from being female, tiptoed across that spectrum just past the tipping point back to the male side? My hair is already a profound statement that I have moved along the spectrum towards femininity from my old masculine self; I could push it further by wearing a bit of makeup, or jewelry, or piercing my ears.
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05
Therapy
It has been a bad week, blog-wise.
First, someone I thought was a friend expressed “sorrow” at my “gender struggle.”
Then, no less than four others responded to my next post with a recommendation that I get therapy, one of them going so far as to liken trying to find one’s way on her own to representing oneself in legal proceedings – invoking the well-known saying that a person who is her own lawyer has a fool for a client.
I also like sayings – and the more appropriate one for today is: if three people tell you you’re drunk, lie down.
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