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2013Pretty, Witty and Gay? – The Upshot of Changing Gender Identity
Updating my male gender identity to include seeing my male self in feminine terms would be a most profound change for me. What I am contemplating here flies in the face of everything I have done to defend the purity of my male self as a regular guy separate and apart from my feminine side. That was precisely the driving force behind the emergence of a separate persona to express a side of me that was incompatible with who I had been until then.
Nowhere is this more profound than in terms of my sexuality.
To me, being Janie means not only the superficial, social and emotional aspects of womanhood, but also an attraction for men. As I have always viewed sexuality in heterosexual terms, it was so implicit that I never gave it much thought: like duh, if I am female, I am attracted to men.
But then, if I am morphing the straight woman that Janie is into a feminine male version of myself, then I would have to get my mind around the idea that I, as a guy, can be attracted to men.
I never considered the concept before, because that’s not the kind of man I was/am. As I have mentioned a number of times, for me the only sexual coupling involving a man that appeals is one male-one female; it never occurred to me that I could assume the female gender identity in that equation while still being a man.
Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve been one of the guys – a teammate, a loyal friend, emotionally strong and reliable, physically coordinated, driven to win, results-oriented, straight, etc. I have protected that aura of masculinity all along, and not because someone else imposed that standard on me, but rather because it was my identity, freely accepted and I found it attractive and natural.
And yet, I think it is obvious that I have not been protecting my masculine image or reputation very well for some time (and people have been dealing with the changes in me), what with my long hair and smooth body, etc. These were necessary to enable Janie, and I have been feeling bad about the toll they have taken on my male self.
This isn’t going to help…
xxnicolecd69
Well Janie, Reading this is like looking in a verbal mirror! Nice to know I am not alone but I am sure this does not help you resolve the issue. This must resonate with others in our position, we cannot be alone.
Petra Bellejambes
Dammit Janie but you are ambitious, and I do love that in people 🙂
I have been watching you lay siege to the twinned, but to me, separate fortresses of gender and sexuality for a couple of years now.
I have not had the nerve to try to take them on simultaneously. Nor have I made the intuitive or intellectual leap that forces gender and sexuality into the same battle. Not sure I want to, or need to either.
Things are different of course for each of us yes? For me, the sexuality issue is easy. Men do nothing for me. It is nice to turn a mans head, lovely to elicit a compliment, those are splendid privileges. That said, there is no part of me that yearns for any deeper connection with men. And so men simply do not enter the equation.
On matter of gender and identity, “Petra” has been super helpful. She has helped the masculine me be a more fully realized me. Not a more feminine me, just a better me.
As much as I love my female side, and delight in nurturing “her”, I wonder how much delight I would take if it came at the expense of the rest of me …
Looking forward very much to next chapters here as always …
xoxo – P
Janie
Petra, your insights are, as always appreciated and thought-provoking. I have dedicated a post to the matter of gender and sexuality as a result.
On the matter of gender identity, I wonder whether you would agree that nurturing a feminine side either enhances the masculine, if one is disposed to combine them, or replaces it, i.e., takes away from the rest… unless, that is, one is careful to keep “her” carefully confined in a box, so to speak.
Otherwise, how to manage such a feat?
Petra Bellejambes
To your question, darling Janie, I honestly believe that the nurtured feminine side enhances the masculine experience.
With that said though, my presentation layers (male and female) are very distinct. They are both very conventionally representative of their apparent gender. Neither presentation layer really challenges any norms.
It is therefore an easier task for me to walk my various walks. I do not, for a moment, underestimate how much more difficult walk your walk is relative to mine.
All of this will squeeze a new post out of me in the not so distant future my dear. In the meantime, I do look forward to your next essay.
Perhaps you will devise a grand unifying theory for us all 🙂
xxoo – P
Janie
Petra, my dear, I believe I have a post in the works with some feeble attempt at a unifying theory – but true enlightenment on these matters will continue to elude me as it does everyone else. I am resigned to it.
I am struck by your assertion that your walk is easier than mine. It made me wonder why. Why should I have a more difficult road? Am I getting some greater reward for my trouble?
Are we so different? We both have separate and distinct gender expressions for each of our genders.
Have I negotiated this all wrong or am I taking something fundamentally different from all this than you are?
Your counsel is always appreciated.
Petra Bellejambes
Dear Janie – I really must be more careful. What I was attempting to get to was that, for me, when in Petra mode, there is a very distinct look. Wig, serious almost theatrical make-up, shaping, padding and prosthesis that all taken together create an unambiguously female presentation. My surface “beauty” such as it is, is inorganic.
When in guy mode, I am most likely to be stubbled. My hair, while longish is styled in an unmistakeably male mode. My clothes, perhaps dapper, are clearly from the menswear department. I do not attempt to thread the needle.
The Janie I see and admire here has a much more naturally attained feminine beauty, very organic, all you. It does not wash off or rinse out You carry that femininity with you always in a way that I do not. You referred to this effect recently in your “Not Much of a Man” post. This is what I was referring to when I suggested that my walk is easier. Perhaps my different gender expressions are more distinct than yours or at least more compartmentalized. I must guess that this does make much of my day to day life a little easier for me. But it is a guess, yes?
As to reward, I think we both have enormous rewards. I believe that you have gone to completely unique and trailblazing places than I though. I think your appetite for your own frontiers is more ravenous than mine.
Ultimately, we are not so different, we share a great many things, but I keep coming back here because of your willingness to be different and to really shake things up in a way I have not.
Warnly, lovingly yours,