The always insightful and elegantly expressed Petra Bellejambes, whom I am proud to count as a friend, pointed out recently the separateness of gender and sexuality, at least for her.

Our feminine experience alters us to varying degrees. Some are exactly the same person regardless of gender expression. Some find gentler and subtler aspects of themselves in their femininity, and even use that as a way of improving their male selves.

Some transform only for sex; for others, sex does not play a part at all.

Gender Meets Sexuality at the Margins

For me, gender and sexuality have always been closely related. The way I see it, there is considerable overlap between my masculine and feminine selves. The differences, in my view, are largely informed by sexuality.

As a woman, I have different sensibilities regarding things like power and ambition and safety and beauty and sensuality and communication – and all of these affect the way I relate to other people in a way that is different than a man. It stands to reason that, if I am relating differently to people I will be attracted to – and attractive to – different people as a woman than as a man, both as friends and as lovers, and whether one fancies themself a straight or lesbian woman.

Sexuality and Shopping

I cannot see how even things like buying clothes and shoes could possibly be divorced from one’s sexuality. How do you determine what is attractive? Even the word “attractive” implies something connected to attraction… and sexuality. Is it possible to sterilize one’s mindset so that the choice of dress is a function of geometry and aerodynamics rather than comeliness and sensuality? (Would that be a feminine thing to do?)

There is a lot of sameness between the genders. When we move from one to the other, we tend to focus on the differences, and in my view, those differences are either overtly sexual (the curves of the body, high heels and long legs, soft smooth skin, etc.) or indirectly sexual (our grace, the way we relate, pampering ourselves, concerning ourselves with our safety and vulnerability, etc.)

Sure we have our girlfriends, but we don’t need smooth skin and long hair and nice earrings to go to lunch with them, and yet we have these. We don’t need that miniskirt, fishnets and heels to hang out with them and talk about politics, and yet we buy these things. In fact, one of the nice things to do with girlfriends is to go shopping… for that next sexy outfit… or discuss our relationships…

If Not Sexuality, Then What?

We do these things because we want to be perceived as women, by our friends and by everyone else. We are not aiming for androgyny. But, what is the difference between someone seeing you as a woman or as a man if it is not sexual?

We do these things because we feel like women. But, what is the difference between seeing ourselves as women or men if it is not sexual?

That’s just my take, but I confess to having an inkling that I may have a blind spot where this issue is concerned. I welcome other ideas on this question. In particular, I’d like to understand how those of you who keep gender and sexuality separate manage to do so.