25
2012Imposter
There I was in a neighborhood cafe waiting in line to order, when my mind turned to the two women standing and talking at the other end of the counter, waiting for their orders to be filled.
I was dressed much the same way they were – short jean shorts, a feminine T and flip-flops. But, I had this overwhelming feeling of, well… being an imposter!
This is a new feeling for me, and I am not sure where it came from…
They were very thin, pretty young women who don’t have to fight the fight of looking feminine, as I do. No matter their hair, or makeup or amount of sleep of what they wear, they are women.
I kinda felt like I was intruding in their territory.
Strange… I am not usually troubled by this. I know what I am, and that the gift of being able to be a man part of the time carries the price of actually having to make an effort to come off as female.
Besides, I am pretty comfortable with the kind of woman I am. Case in point: I debated this morning whether to wear a bra under my tight t-shirt and decided against it, simply because I don’t feel the need to have breasts in order to come off as feminine.
All I can conceive is that “he” was uncharacteristically active in my psyche even as I was going about my female day. Every so often, I suppose it is to be expected that my worlds will collide in discordance.
I will say that in the time it has taken to jot these words down, the conflict has pretty much evaporated. Of course, the women I spoke of have since left.
Now, I’ve got to run too; I am going for a pedicure.
larry
Nice to see you just noticing and enjoying the world. Have a great day.
Ashley
You have the same feelings as an immigrant in the new country. It has been said that transition is much like emigrating and you just have the same feelings as a new immigrant. It is a mix of “do I belong?” and jealousy at the ease in the identity expressions of “the natives” (the women). As you do it more, you will be more comfortable.
MIkki
Ashley is on to something here, Hon’ So don’t let the word “imposter” throw you. So what if you are? They started out with different parts, more or less, than you and are there with them, feminine, but not female. What’s the problem?
Let’s say someone rushes into the room and lines up several of the ladies, you included. Then that person says, “who are the women and who are the imposters”. You’d be in the latter group (assuming you’re not the only one). I’m sure some people would think , “She — he — looks pretty good”. Maybe some of the people born with female parts might get territorial, while others might offer nice words to you. What’s the problem?
You’re who you are. You are impersonating a woman. You’re fortunate enough to be able to move in mixed society as either a man or a woman. Not very many of us can do that. But, as a woman, you’re still an imposter. What’s the problem?
But do you “belong”? Of course you do, and for the situation you’re writing about, you do if when you’re Jamie you’re a lady. If you’re “some guy in a dress” forcing yourself on people, probably not. Just get used to the fact you’re Jamie and get over it. You are who you are, and “that man” will always be there because, well, he’s always there. Just be your gorgeous self and let the chips fall where they may. As Ashley says, as you do it more, you will be more comfortable.
Kay
This piece has, as is often the case, struck a chord with me. I’ve never been that concerned with going out and mixing with the world at large, unlike many of my friends, but lately I have done so a lot more and the thoughts that entered your head often enter mine too.
I’m haunted by a comment that a good RG friend made a while ago when she said “I can’t really understand why you’d want to be a woman, it’s hard work and not always fun.”
I often feel slightly guilty that I’m presenting as female, using the obvious superficial artifices, without having to endure the underlying permanent aspects of womanhood, both physical and social, that many consider negative. So I sometimes feel I’m both an impostor and an intruder, taking on those aspects that appeal without having to deal with those that don’t. I occasionally sense a slight degree of resentment from women I interact with, as if they might envy the fact that I can exist in both genders, switching at will to the one that avoids/overcomes the things that they have to deal with on a regular basis.
But as age takes its toll, making it less likely that I’ll ‘fool’ people as often as I could when younger, I’m resolving the issue in my own head by just being me, making the best efforts I can to appear well-presented, polite and non-invasive, just going about my everyday business, only dressed differently to most guys. For the most part this seems to be met with acceptance, if not always total approval.
cdjanie
Kay, yours is a very thoughtful comment that brings up a few issues I’d like to address.
First, it is my understanding that as we get older, it actually becomes easier rather than more difficult to ‘fool’ people. Women lose their estrogen and men’s testosterone wanes, and the result is that older men and women don’t look nearly as different from one another as younger ones do. We may not be as attractive, but passing is another question.
Second, I wouldn’t worry about the resentment from women – they get to play in the male sphere and then retreat to womanhood with far more impunity than we do going in the other direction.
As to wondering why we’d want to be women – that’s the part that shows a misunderstanding of our motivations – or at least mine (since I don’t want to assume anything about others). I’m not in it simply for the fun; the hard work is as much part of the joy of being a woman as the fun.
shantown
Yeah …your last sentence……me too! Several thoughts came up while reading your reply, but the last sentence just jumped off the page.
Good point on the age thing. I think that, as we get older, it gets harder to see that young, attractive girl we always wished we had been all along. That dream slowly dies, and we confuse that vision with “passing”….maybe because we don’t “pass” to ourselves.. The hard work of being a woman has to include the ability to age gracefully….and accept ourselves as we do.
cdjanie
Well said, Shannon.