Jun

18

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

Health and Beauty / Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 21 comments

I doubt I am alone in confessing that I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.

I’m not talking so much about the makeup mirror, but more about just seeing the reflection of my female alter-ego.

It seems a common affliction of my tgirl sisters, and I am not immune. It is an old joke that if you want to stop a tgirl in her tracks just put up a mirror.

There are a number of reasons why we do this, and the reasons change for each of us over time.

In the beginning, for me, I think it was mostly about how I couldn’t believe it was actually me.  Also, there tends to be a certain element of sexual arousal in a gurl’s early days.

The Mirror of Introspection

But all that has long past. These days, it is more about my questioning myself. And, to that end, I tend to inspect not just Janie’s reflection but that of my male self.

Loathe as I am to admit, seeing beauty in the mirror supports the notion in my mind that I am truly female and doing the right thing in following that path, while noticing masculinity in my reflection tends to incite doubts as to what this crazy guy is doing.

The truth of the matter is that neither is of any importance at all. It is all about what’s inside.

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Jun

16

Bridling Against My Restrictions

Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 12 comments

bridling against my restrictionsIt has been quite a comedown, getting back to “normal” after being away.

It’s not that I am under any delusions that my crazy vacation approximates real life; it is more basic than that.

I was female non-stop for a sizable number of consecutive days, and without any restrictions on where I could or couldn’t, or fears of running into anyone.

You may have noticed that I was enjoying myself…

Now, I am back to worrying about my neighbors and certain areas of town – and it feels even more restrictive than before I left.

I am sure I will re-accustom myself to things, but for now it imposes a burden on being Janie that both discourages me from bothering and weighs on me regardless.

The disparity between the way I feel when I am away and when I am home may naturally fade in my consciousness with a bit of time, but I would be a fool to disregard it, or allow it to go unaddressed.

Something’s gotta give… either my actions or my attitude…

trans rights
Jun

15

Human Rights

Politics and Opinion / Transgender Life  Posted by / 2 comments

The government of Ontario has become the first jurisdiction in North America to add gender identity and gender expression to the list of prohibited grounds of discrimination under its Human Rights Code.

Woo! hoo!

But, while I am ecstatic to be protected from discrimination, I cannot escape a nagging feeling of dread.

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Jun

11

Doing What Comes Naturally

Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 7 comments

If you have been following my story, you no doubt note that I have never indicated that I had a torturing or desperate need to express my femininity. I am no transsexual.

It should be relatively clear that the female side of my self – which is utterly genuine – is something I express because it serves me.

Yes, it is something that comes naturally to me.

Yes, it is the most fulfilling expression of my sexuality.

Yes, I love being this way.

Yes, I am hoping to follow my feminine leanings in terms of building a better life for myself – maybe I can improve on the results I achieved as a man.

There are countless reasons why being female works for me, personally – coincidences, conveniences and others, which I will recount for you one day – and I have to say that I have doubts as to whether I would have followed this path if not for a virtual Red Sea parting before me along this path.

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Jun

09

On Sexual Orientation – I’m Straight

Sexuality and Fantasy / Transgender Life  Posted by / 22 comments

I am “straight.”

I realize that the concept is somewhat strained in a TG context, and far be it for anyone who is sexually interested in both men and women to honestly claim being straight, but there it is nonetheless.

Yes, I have heard that from men who only occasionally have sex with other men (“Oh, that doesn’t count.”), guys who dream about giving oral to another (another exception, apparently) and others who are simply lying to themselves.

I have no problem with being seen as bisexual, and I fully accept that any guy my female self would consider a potential sex partner is someone “I” (as in the whole of me) would as well. So yes, if you’re keeping score (or anxious to find gayness in people), I am probably bisexual.

Nevertheless, from a purely informative aspect, “straight” captures what I am about so much more clearly and completely.

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Jun

08

Greener Grass – The Simple Life

Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 18 comments

Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Life would be so simple if I just lived within the lines that society has drawn for me.

I look at regular people who have spouses and children and jobs and friends – and they seem to be happy and leading full and wholesome lives.

They never think about gender, or dating or STDs or marginalization or passing or sexual orientation, or leading double lives, or sneaking out of their houses…

It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery. And that’s before we even consider the external challenges.

In a way, it is a very positive thing. It has forced me to better understand myself, to open my mind to new ideas and to new feelings, and to become a better person.

But, there is much work left to be done, and until I can come to some comfortable understanding of the things that continue to trouble me, the whole house of cards is in jeopardy.

tolerance
Jun

06

Warm and Fuzzies

Politics and Opinion / Transgender Life  Posted by / 5 comments

What struck me most of all about the innocent little announcement from AP, which I read this week on Yahoo’s news feed, about Janet Jackson signing on to produce “Truth”, a documentary on the lives of transgender people, were the comments from readers, among which:

  • Oh great, Hollywood pushing it’s gay agenda again!
  • We live in a VERY sick society in these modern times.
  • [Josh] Yep. This is what it has come to. Immoral people trying to get everyone to ‘accept’ their garbage and call it ‘tolerance.’ Anyone that ‘tolerates evil and freakishly immoral stuff like this yet bashes God needs a wake up call. If you think our society is better off with everyone being transgender and gay then you have no idea what it is to have morals and I cringe at the thought of these people having kids.
  • [Anthony] I cringe at intolerant people like josh c. If you don’t agree with something that’s your right. but you don’t have to attack people just because you don’t accept who they are
  • I agree, Josh. Right is considered wrong, and wrong is considered right nowadays. It IS freakish.
  • And Josh yes it will come, but does it have to come now, to our families?…
    Jesus never said when and think this is why, he gives us the freedom to fight this form of satanism. I actually think he would want us to fight against these demonic forces trying to push aside and discredit his teachings, if not doesn’t it just defeat the purpose of it all.
  • We really need to go to the barn, dust off and break out the hot tar and the feathers and rail to carry them out on
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fun Janie in Vegas
May

29

Just Being Janie for fun is NOT Enough

Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 14 comments

For a long time, just being the woman that I am was something, was enough.

I did everything that needed to be done as a man, and when it was time for fun, there was Janie, the party girl.

But, now I am realizing that Janie has to pull her own weight or risk becoming a fantasy, a pretense.

I cringe a little as I say this, but I need to undertake work, drudgery and conflict, commitment and responsibility, problems and challenges, routine and expectation – all as a woman if Janie is going to continue to feel real to me.

Funny, though, because part of the inner appeal of my femininity has been how light and wondrous it has felt. And, now I seem intent on weighing it down with reality.

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May

28

If Only… – I Could Get Used to This Lifestyle

Introspection / Transgender Life  Posted by / 3 comments

After a week of partying with Wildside friends, there is a temptation for those of us who are struggling with the place of our feminine side in our lives to think that a week of such fun validates this lifestyle choice.

After all, we find friendship and common ground, we have no issues with acceptance and no need for pretence. And, quite understandably, our hearts soar.

The Pink Fog

We are liberated from our worries, freed of our real-world shackles, welcomed with open arms and smiles and laughter, and exposed to the company of role models and sisters of the same feather.

…and none of it would be possible without being T.

The people we meet would not be as open to meeting others if they weren’t T (we all know that making any new friends in middle age is tough, nevermind great friends). We wouldn’t be as needy without being T. The greatness of the people we meet is inseparable from their T-ness. The ease with which we all find common ground is tied into being T. And, so on…

It is almost irresistible to contemplate that our everyday lives could be just the same, if only…

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May

25

Bonding Beyond the Bubble

Out in the World / Transgender Life  Posted by / 0 comments

Coming down off the high that is my reunion with the great women of Wildside, I have to remind myself of what real life is about. There is at least a bit of a tendency to think, “Ahhh, that’s the good life; that’s what being a tgirl is all about!”img_7660a

But, it’s not.

As much as the friendships and good times are the stuff of which a great life is made, the experiences of that week are far too intense and short-lived to be able to extrapolate much from them.

Burning It Up

Wildside burns like a meteor, which – as everyone knows – soon crashes to the ground. We all put our party-selves into high gear and rock Vegas for a week, but by the end of it, even the most hearty of our number – and perhaps, especially they – have run out of gas and need a week to recuperate.

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