Mar
04
The fluid nature of gender roles over time provides more proof that what it means to be a man changes depending on the era and the culture and probably the circumstances. It is common to cling to current sensibilities as if they were pronounced from on high, but recall that the Roman soldiers wore skirts into battle and the males in French aristocracy in the middle of the last millennium wore long hair, wigs, heels, etc.
Mind you, I am not sure the role differences changed as much as the expectations for clothes and appearance.
I respect everyone’s right to choose their gender role, but for myself, I confess to liking the idea of men and women who are distinctly different.
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Feb
02
I think one of the most profound realizations that came to me in the course of considering the whole yaoi thing was the idea that I have been taking for granted the effect that the changes to my hair (both on my head – where the change is to more and longer – and on my body, where the change is to less and none) have achieved already.
I have been thinking so much about the effects that I might have to encounter if people I knew found out that I was a feminine man or even a part-time female, or whichever way we decide to characterize what it is that I am or do.
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Jan
24
I obviously recognize that whatever I have done or wanted to do as a woman – or, on the other hand, as a man, “I” (as in the whole of me) did or wanted to do. And, despite genuinely feeling that these were two distinct and separate parts of me, I always felt just a little fraudulent implying with my separate personas that I was somehow two separate people. I was not and am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, I have always been fully aware of both sides of myself, I knew I had but one body, one brain, one heart.
In short, regardless of how it’s framed, whether a feminine male or two personas, I must “own” all of it.
My increasing realization that Janie is me and I am Janie, and that I was never comfortable with the logical flaw in seeing myself as two people has led me to try to find a way to make it all one.
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Jan
14
The last time I spoke about gender identity, I spoke about applying the concept of a yaoi character to my own life, of perhaps being an extremely feminine male. It may seem very similar to what’s going on now, but there are important differences that make it both appealing and challenging.
In my mind, the whole concept can be described succinctly and bluntly as essentially Janie without the claim of womanhood and without the second identity (or gender identity). And, quite possibly without the heels and skirts.
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Dec
17
Aside from the practical and emotional and time-management problems (which I alluded to last time) of leading this double life, of two separate lives under one brain and body, there are self-image issues.
Talking to Myself
I’d look at myself in the mirror and worry that maybe I wasn’t feminine enough – inside and out – to consider myself a woman. This is not simply an appearance thing – or even mannerism thing. Often, looking at my reflection morphed into a conversation with myself, a reflection of a deeper sort.
Sometimes, I asked myself if maybe I was fooling myself; maybe I was faking it. Was I pretending to be female, or was I really partly female? I consoled myself with the notion that awkwardness was to be expected in behaving in a way that was unlike the way I had been used to for decades.
But, the question never completely went away, even as things became more natural for me. One of the main reasons I allowed that doubt to gnaw away at me was that I don’t think I ever really accepted what I had appropriated – that I could be two separate people.
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Dec
15
In the course of contemplating – ad infinitum, I might add – the authenticity of my femininity and my life as Janie, it finally occurred to me that I am actually quite unsettled by the idea of being two people – of leading a double life.
Personal reflection is a strange process by which you think about the same things over and over, until you think that maybe all that thought is just procrastinating away the actual real life you are supposed to be leading. But then, you consider something with ever-so-slightly different words, and suddenly, a door opens.
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Sep
04
As I have said previously, just being Janie is not enough. A person has to do something, be something.
Since I wrote that post, I have been busy working on creating my new site, and on opening up the possibilities of doing both modeling and photography. Other stuff is in the works.
It is not as if I had a lot of time on my hands before, but now that my girl life is taking on some real challenges and consuming more of my time and my thoughts, I have started to feel something strange.
For the first time, I have actually sought out my male side as a respite from the pressure of my female life.
I think it is quite common for guys with a female side to seek to escape the responsibilities and difficulties in their lives by turning to her. Among the many motivations I have discussed for my becoming Janie, this one was present.
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Sep
01
Now that I have discussed Roles (and Multiple Roles) and Impressions – The Message of Our Presentation, it is time to go back to the questions I posed last week about being an imposter or intruder.
The other day, I found myself having to switch back and forth between my two selves.
I woke up and went to a neighborhood cafe to write my blog as Janie.
But, I knew that my lunch was going to be with family members who expected “him” and this was to be followed by a little road trip to meet some people in the evening: more Janie-business.
It is a bit of a trip switching back and forth. Here is a stream of consciousness about my day: I put on an androgynous t-shirt and light-colored feminine jeans that roll up to capris, showing off my new anklet; I went to the bathroom at the cafe in the morning an used the women’s room; while working, my hair was getting in my face, so I took out my hair clip and pinned my hair up; just before leaving for lunch, I rolled down my jeans to cover my legs, and went back to the bathroom – this time the men’s room; as I was leaving, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror which reminded my to take that hairclip out of my hair (sheesh!), at which time I decided that a manly pony-tail was more in order; I had my lunch date, and then transformed myself back to the way I looked in the morning for the drive…
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Aug
31
One of the things I kinda glossed over last time (Impressions – The Message of Our Presentation) were the different roles each of us plays.
A woman may be an executive during the day and a casual jeans and T (shirt) girl in the evening, or even a sexy model on weekends.
Someone meeting her in any one of her roles may not imagine the other roles she plays, and may be turned off or taken aback by some of the possibilities…
…of course, not likely to the extent they might be should they run across the woman they met with yesterday walking down the street today as a man.
Read More»Jun
11
If you have been following my story, you no doubt note that I have never indicated that I had a torturing or desperate need to express my femininity. I am no transsexual.
It should be relatively clear that the female side of my self – which is utterly genuine – is something I express because it serves me.
Yes, it is something that comes naturally to me.
Yes, it is the most fulfilling expression of my sexuality.
Yes, I love being this way.
Yes, I am hoping to follow my feminine leanings in terms of building a better life for myself – maybe I can improve on the results I achieved as a man.
There are countless reasons why being female works for me, personally – coincidences, conveniences and others, which I will recount for you one day – and I have to say that I have doubts as to whether I would have followed this path if not for a virtual Red Sea parting before me along this path.
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