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I was introduced to the term “Yaoi” by a friend I met at Southern Comfort in Atlanta. I may have spoken of her before. She was one of the most beautiful t-girls I have ever met, feminine both in appearance as well as manner.
Not long after our encounter, she gave it all up – being a girl I mean – in favor of being a yaoi-type – a beautiful feminine man who liked sleeping with men – saying that there was no need to become female to do and be all the things he wanted to do/be; he could do them just fine as a man.
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As you all know, I am a gender-traveler – not only from one gender to the other, but from one place to another.
My “home and native land” of Canada has disappointed me with its restrictive laws, which are unnecessary to any constructive purpose. I recounted my dismay with Canadian air travel laws in a recent post (click here).
By contrast, I read today that Australia has enacted new rules that allow their citizens to acquire a passport with gender designated as M, F or X (for indeterminate), with only a doctor’s letter of support. No surgery, no imminent surgery, no proof of medical condition required.
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Having flown without incident as a girl on a number of occasions in the U.S., I was quite taken aback to read that in Canada – a country most people would regard as more progressive – the law requires airlines to deny boarding to anyone who “does not appear to be of the gender indicated on the identification he or she presents.” (Aeronautics Act of Canada Section 5.2(1)(b).)
My experiences in America have been nothing but pleasant. I have sung the praises, on these very pages, of both border agents and security personnel, who have gone out of their way to be accommodating and pleasant.
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Getting dressed has always been a pretty consistent process in my life.
Depending on the affair, choose the outfit, pick out a pair of shoes that match in both style and color, and off you go.
Well, not today.
I decided, based on a whim, that I wanted to wear a certain pair of shoes: my wedgie beige sandals with flowers on top.
It was my mood.
I wanted shoes with whimsy, and I wanted to show off my new pedicure.
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One of the reasons I sometimes doubt the authenticity of my feminine side is that I find myself almost with a feeling that I am observing myself.
I have many things to remember to do differently in order to be the woman I imagine myself to be, and there is a sort of internal dialogue going on sometimes as I evaluate myself.
That doesn’t seem natural and so I start to get a sinking feeling that if it takes so much effort, it may just be that I am putting the whole thing on. I start wondering whether it is simply an exercise in self-deception.
But, I probably should cut myself a little slack here.
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After some time as a guy, it has become a bit easier to notice some of the differences in the way being a woman makes me feel.
Long gone are the days when I would dress to turn myself on. Was a time, I would look in the mirror and see a hottie (my opinion only) staring back at me, and that was enough.
These days, I dress appropriately to the task of meeting and attracting others – friends acquaintances and others – and functioning in society while expressing my own personal style.
As I have been flittering through my home, I realize that being female means being aware – of oneself, of one’s environment and of others.
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I decided to make a trial run of my return to being Janie today.
I don’t know why I chose this particular moment; I had to rush like mad to get ready if I was to make my appointed rounds. And, after so long, I wasn’t sure whether I would remember everything – the makeup, the jewelry, the purse, the walking, the voice. But, I had decided, and when a girl makes up her mind, there’s no reasoning with her.
Or, maybe that’s just me.
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Some of you may be wondering, as one reader asked me the other day, why “all this self-doubt has surfaced.”
First, I thank all of you for your concern and encouragement. But, don’t worry, I’m not despairing.
The truth is, I have kinda forced the issue…
I have been Janie for some time now, and for the most part, I have just let things unfold as nature would have them unfold, and took it as it came.
I have followed a well-worn path of first dressing alone at home, then, feeling the need to get out of the house, I started going to clubs and finding out-of-the-way shops and cafes. I started posting photos and thoughts on the internet, feeling that the vastness of the world-wide-web offered sufficient protection to my identity – that those I knew would be unlikely to run across my images – and that has held true, so far.
But, as Janie develops, I have found that it is never enough.
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After more than two weeks of uninterrupted manhood (slightly impurified by the Janie duties to which am committed and to which I had to attend) I tentatively put my toe in the waters of femininity today.
I am just wearing short workout shorts and a cropped t-shirt and running shoes, but, for the first time in a while, I am allowing my feminine persona to emerge a little, just to feel what it is like. I am still not certain whether the experiment of being a guy is over, but I wanted to see the difference, if only for a day.
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Am I trans?
Seems like a ridiculous question. And yet, here I am asking it anyway.
This is not a semantic or political issue for me, and it’s not a debate about the meaning of the word or the condition.
The question is meant simply to ask whether the girl part of me is really part of my true nature or not.
I have been an observer of this scene long enough to have come to the conclusion that there are a host of reasons why guys dress up as girls, and many of them have little to do with a female spirit living inside them – at least in my view.
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