May
19
I spoke last time about my concern about getting a bruise while playing hockey as a guy.
But, that is just a little part of the bargain I have made with the devil.
As I live on both sides of the gender divide, I am finding more and more that compromises have to be made on each side in order to allow the other side to thrive.
For the most part, the compromises on Janie’s part are about the things I don’t do to myself – like hormones and breasts and facial feminization.
Though I never really quite thought it all through in advance, my guy side has been making compromises that are becoming all the more obvious as I go on.
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May
18
I play hockey. No, not Janie, him! Yes, him – the guy that I am.
I have always been fairly good at sports, and quite competitive, and I proudly love and play Canada’s game – hockey.
But, there I was last time out, when a guy took a shot that hit me in the ankle and smarted like the ever-lovin’ dickens! And, what do you know, but the only thought running amok in my head as I crumpled to the ice in pain was, “Oh, no! I am going to have a bruise; how will I ever be able to wear that skirt and heels next weekend?”
Now, it didn’t take me long to become more realistic in my thinking, but it was no less distressing, “Sheesh, this really f***’in hurts… I might not even be able to walk in heels at all!”
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May
06
I shouldn’t really get a kick out of confusing the poor uninitiated, but for some reason, I do.
I was in a suburban restaurant the other day, totally in guy mode, when the need arose to use the loo. Of course, I went to the men’s room.
As I was standing at the sink, washing my hands, the door (which was slightly behind me and to my left) opened and a man came forward. I turned to look and saw him stop in his tracks as he took in the sight of me, look back at the sign on the door, then back at me.
Then, he stepped back and let the door close.
A few seconds later, the door opened again, and I turned to him and said with a friendly smile, “Yes, you’re in the right place.” I paused, aware that he still wasn’t completely buying it, and reassured him, “And, so am I.”
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Mar
17
I’ve been Ma’am-ed before on several occasions while in male mode, but this is a whole new thing.
When someone refers to you as “Ma’am,” they see you as a blank stranger – another person in line, a customer, someone in their way… whatever.
But, today, I was getting on the plane, and a fairly good-looking man in his 40s or 50s stepped out of the aisle to let me pass, looking straight into my eyes with a smile and softly saying, “Go ahead, dear.”
Certainly not an affirmation of my masculinity, that’s for sure!
I am equal parts puzzled, concerned and pleased.
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Feb
23
For the first time in a long time I found myself thrilled to spend a day as a guy.
I’d almost forgotten how wonderful that can be.
So much so, that when I was doing some writing a month or so ago, I had more than a little difficulty finding any reason that truly resonated inside as to why a person would want to be a guy.
But manhood can be quite a rush. A powerful feeling and a feeling of power. A feeling of strength and control and competence in a way that’s completely different from the feminine versions of those things. (This is an astounding contrast with the feelings I expressed in this post from last summer.)
If I had to find a metaphor, it would be, um… shoes. Masculine shoes and feminine shoes. Oxfords and high heels.
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Feb
17
I went to one of my favorite cafés today, and who should I run into but an old friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in months.
It just so happens I was coming from a doctor’s appointment; otherwise, yep, I’d have absolutely been in heels and hosiery!
Phew!
This city, that is so large and has provided such good cover for me these past few years, is starting to feel awfully small.
Feb
08
I had a date with the judge today on the small matter of a particularly vexing parking ticket.
I don’t normally fight these things – they are SUCH a waste of time! – but the sneaky guy actually gave me the ticket while I was in the car.
So, I got dressed in a sports jacket, black trousers and white shirt, tied my hair back in a neat low pony tail and went to court.
I presented myself to the prosecutor, who took a quick look at me, and said, “And, what’s the name, ma’am?”
I showed her the ticket with my male name on it.
Unfazed, she inquired, “Are you his representative?”
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Jan
30
[…continued from Play or Pass…]
What does a girl say to a guy she finds handsome and sweet and funny and sexy, who wants to take her to bed with him?
Apparently, this girl says, “No.”
I was not playing games, not teasing him. And, it wasn’t anything like saving myself so that he would respect me in the morning.
Turning down a guy I felt like I wanted to be with was admittedly contradictory, illogical, unpredictable… but also, totally honest, spiritually driven and a move towards intimacy rather than away from it.
I passed on the opportunity for sex mostly because, amazingly, I wanted something else even more.
Read More»Jan
23
[…continued from Punctured Charm…]
I was getting on just fine with this guy I met at my fave bar.
Physical attraction? Check. Personal connection? Check. Mutual desire? Check.
We were doing pretty well.
“C’mon, let’s go,” he said.
In the course of our conversation, he had described some of the things he wanted to do to me and the way he would treat me, and what he would have me do to him, and it was exactly as if he was reading my fantasies to me. (Perhaps not the classiest things in the world to say to me at our first meeting, but I was in a forgiving mood. :P)
I tossed around the possibilities in my mind. Should I? …
(Conclusion, next week.)
Jan
09
I was having a pretty ordinary night out and was about to start making my way home when someone gently touched my arm. I turned around to see who it was, and there he was… yum!
The handsome guy standing before me was dressed smartly in all-black. I knew him from several online chats we had months earlier. He was kind of an alluring rascal: a sex-obsessed scallywag with an impish grin and a wry sense of humor.
But, standing there in front of me, dressed up nice, my oh my, he was a real cutie!
“You have no idea who I am,” he said.
“Oh, but I do,” I smiled, willing my eyes to sparkle, if that’s possible.
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