[…continued from Play or Pass…]

What does a girl say to a guy she finds handsome and sweet and funny and sexy, who wants to take her to bed with him?

Apparently, this girl says, “No.”

I was not playing games, not teasing him.  And, it wasn’t anything like saving myself so that he would respect me in the morning.

Turning down a guy I felt like I wanted to be with was admittedly contradictory, illogical, unpredictable… but also, totally honest, spiritually driven and a move towards intimacy rather than away from it.

I passed on the opportunity for sex mostly because, amazingly, I wanted something else even more.

I wanted the delicious anticipation of thinking about him, about the possibilities, the dreams, the fantasy. And, I wanted to have time for it all to sink in and become part of me before I decided to do anything.

I also wondered whether that was all I needed – that going further might be too far for me.

Evidently, along with being careful and making sure I know my own heart and mind, I am learning a bit about how to enjoy the experience rather than rushing to the goal.

A secondary curiosity was to see how he would react, whether he would just move on to someone else, whether he would still call me. I’m not exactly sure why that mattered, but it did.  And, he didn’t disappoint.  I got a nice IM from him not long after I returned home.

Finally, I wanted to take my time to think things through.  There are emotional risks, of course, but mainly, I am concerned that he has honed his charm through a good deal of experience – and with experience comes increased risk of health issues.

My goodness, this sort of behavior is nothing I ever understood as a man, yet it seems so natural as a woman.  I can see why we are puzzling creatures.

This journey is full of surprises.