Nov
01
I gave the issues I last wrote about some more thought, and have a few ideas to share.
For me, being female is a joyous and intense state. I am sociable, flirty and “on.” Being a guy is more of a contented and relaxed, comfortable thing. Appropriate adjectives include strong, aware, capable.
Being Janie is still quite stressful for me – not so much about being discovered, or worrying about danger any more, but more about doing things that are outside my comfort zone.
I still have so much to remember to do (and not do) when being a woman, from voice to manner to posture – things that are not yet completely innate to me.
And then, socializing is not something that comes easily to me. Though I have revelled in the friendships and interactions that I have achieved as Janie, meeting people has never been without stress for me.
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Oct
30
I hate to rain on the parade of the “I told you so”’s out there, but my wonder and joy at feeling so feminine while spending a solid week living as a woman has given way to an equal and opposite masculine feeling.
Since I have been back, I have had to be in a male mindset non-stop for almost a week, managing construction and landscaping issues and other business matters. (Don’t ask!)
After all that solid guy time, my intention to switch to girly mode today for a Halloween Party tonight and tomorrow night has met with no small amount of internal resistance.
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Oct
29
During this week, I have made a point of concentrating on the way I speak. I mentioned last time that I took a voice lesson and attended seminars at Fantasia. But, what I want to talk about now is what I am learning from myself, having spent the week focusing on my speech.
This is the first time I have not let myself off the hook in terms of communicating as a woman. In public, in private, alone or on stage, talking to others or to myself (yes, I am nuts!), I insisted from myself that I speak as a woman.
I usually let my guard down when walking on the street or sitting at home talking about stuff with GF. Not this week. If I got upset, I’d often tend to fall back into guy voice to cope; not this week. In fact, any time I found myself faltering in any way, I’d excuse myself and go to the bathroom and regroup (something that became less necessary as the week wore on).
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Oct
25
The way I see it, sometimes the simplest things are the sexiest.
You can put on a corset and collar, low-cut bustier, micro-mini skirt and fishnet stockings, spiked thigh-high boots and dramatic makeup and you’ll have something screaming sexy, no doubt.
But, in my view, that’s trying too hard. And the results are more shrill than “sexy” should be.
Sexy is a mood, a feeling… it is something sensual and deep rather than painted on superficially. Its subtlety is what makes it so powerful… it is almost an ambush the way it overwhelms its prey…
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Aug
15
I always let you know when I have had a new thought or new experience, sometimes profound, sometimes, well, not so much.
So, within the definite scope of the latter, I present to you a recount of my latest new experience as a girl.
I got dressed this morning in a cute pink t-shirt and low-waisted white denim capris, with white pumps. Bleary-eyed and in serious need of my coffee, I flipped on the machine and read some of the newspaper while it did its magic.
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Aug
09
Some of you may be wondering, as one reader asked me the other day, why “all this self-doubt has surfaced.”
First, I thank all of you for your concern and encouragement. But, don’t worry, I’m not despairing.
The truth is, I have kinda forced the issue…
I have been Janie for some time now, and for the most part, I have just let things unfold as nature would have them unfold, and took it as it came.
I have followed a well-worn path of first dressing alone at home, then, feeling the need to get out of the house, I started going to clubs and finding out-of-the-way shops and cafes. I started posting photos and thoughts on the internet, feeling that the vastness of the world-wide-web offered sufficient protection to my identity – that those I knew would be unlikely to run across my images – and that has held true, so far.
But, as Janie develops, I have found that it is never enough.
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08
After more than two weeks of uninterrupted manhood (slightly impurified by the Janie duties to which am committed and to which I had to attend) I tentatively put my toe in the waters of femininity today.
I am just wearing short workout shorts and a cropped t-shirt and running shoes, but, for the first time in a while, I am allowing my feminine persona to emerge a little, just to feel what it is like. I am still not certain whether the experiment of being a guy is over, but I wanted to see the difference, if only for a day.
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Jul
29
We have a little gay magazine here called “In” – as in “inclusive,” I presume.
It sure pretends to be.
Have a look at their cover picture. See if you can spot the realistic representative of our community…
Actually, there are two trans people in this photo; there’s also an FTM transsexual.
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Jul
22
Yesterday, I was asked why I would feel inclined to try the boy thing again after having moved so far away from it over the past few years.
An interesting and instructive question at that. So, here is how I answered the question, more or less:
It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed recently right here on my blog. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.
No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life, though she is not a dominant personality at all. The majority of my time has been spent as female for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.
I need a better understanding of where Janie came from, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.
In that regard, take note of a little inner conversation I had this morning when I got up after not nearly enough sleep.
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Jul
15
I laughed; I cried. It was entertaining; it was touching; but it was misguided. Such a drag!
We have an amateur festival of plays here aptly called the Fringe Festival – performances that are often off the wall, sometimes brilliant, sometimes awful, but always under and hour and cheap.
The title of this post is the title of the performance I took in tonight. Apparently, by the year 3000, drag queens will be the most respected people in society.
There were plenty of laughs and some heartfelt performances in this story about an aging wanna-be drag queen waitress in a drag bar, whose performance of a lifetime ends up being a celebration of her drab self.
“It takes a lot of courage to put on a dress; it takes even more courage to be yourself.”
Hmmm… there’s a mouthful…
…but so disappointing…
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