Apr
03
Why do I do this gender thing? This is a big question for me.
Many people have a ready answer, “I was born this way.” I am not sure I believe that about myself, and even if it is so, there is not enough there to stop and put the pen down.
I have noted the number of issues in my life that being Janie has addressed. She has added excitement and motivation to my life, she has increased my self-esteem, she has helped me break some debilitating patterns – and there is lots more I expect to come.
But, I have struggled with the idea that instead of this craziness, of dressing like a woman and having to deal with the doubts I have, the social risks, and other attendant lifestyle risks, that I should just “man up” and get help if necessary, but solve my problems in the “normal” way, through personal growth, and addressing the real concerns instead of doing an end-around.
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Jan
24
I obviously recognize that whatever I have done or wanted to do as a woman – or, on the other hand, as a man, “I” (as in the whole of me) did or wanted to do. And, despite genuinely feeling that these were two distinct and separate parts of me, I always felt just a little fraudulent implying with my separate personas that I was somehow two separate people. I was not and am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, I have always been fully aware of both sides of myself, I knew I had but one body, one brain, one heart.
In short, regardless of how it’s framed, whether a feminine male or two personas, I must “own” all of it.
My increasing realization that Janie is me and I am Janie, and that I was never comfortable with the logical flaw in seeing myself as two people has led me to try to find a way to make it all one.
Read More»Jan
19
Updating my male gender identity to include seeing my male self in feminine terms would be a most profound change for me. What I am contemplating here flies in the face of everything I have done to defend the purity of my male self as a regular guy separate and apart from my feminine side. That was precisely the driving force behind the emergence of a separate persona to express a side of me that was incompatible with who I had been until then.
Nowhere is this more profound than in terms of my sexuality.
To me, being Janie means not only the superficial, social and emotional aspects of womanhood, but also an attraction for men. As I have always viewed sexuality in heterosexual terms, it was so implicit that I never gave it much thought: like duh, if I am female, I am attracted to men.
But then, if I am morphing the straight woman that Janie is into a feminine male version of myself, then I would have to get my mind around the idea that I, as a guy, can be attracted to men.
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Jan
14
The last time I spoke about gender identity, I spoke about applying the concept of a yaoi character to my own life, of perhaps being an extremely feminine male. It may seem very similar to what’s going on now, but there are important differences that make it both appealing and challenging.
In my mind, the whole concept can be described succinctly and bluntly as essentially Janie without the claim of womanhood and without the second identity (or gender identity). And, quite possibly without the heels and skirts.
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Dec
01
The other day, I saw a crime show on television called “Perception.” The basic premise of the particular episode in question involved a doctor who was “curing” men of their gay-ness by giving them a pleasure-inducing drug and having them have sex with women while feeling that pleasure. The idea was to create a permanent association between hetero sex and pleasure.
Read More»Jun
09
I am “straight.”
I realize that the concept is somewhat strained in a TG context, and far be it for anyone who is sexually interested in both men and women to honestly claim being straight, but there it is nonetheless.
Yes, I have heard that from men who only occasionally have sex with other men (“Oh, that doesn’t count.”), guys who dream about giving oral to another (another exception, apparently) and others who are simply lying to themselves.
I have no problem with being seen as bisexual, and I fully accept that any guy my female self would consider a potential sex partner is someone “I” (as in the whole of me) would as well. So yes, if you’re keeping score (or anxious to find gayness in people), I am probably bisexual.
Nevertheless, from a purely informative aspect, “straight” captures what I am about so much more clearly and completely.
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Jun
06
What struck me most of all about the innocent little announcement from AP, which I read this week on Yahoo’s news feed, about Janet Jackson signing on to produce “Truth”, a documentary on the lives of transgender people, were the comments from readers, among which:
- Oh great, Hollywood pushing it’s gay agenda again!
- We live in a VERY sick society in these modern times.
- [Josh] Yep. This is what it has come to. Immoral people trying to get everyone to ‘accept’ their garbage and call it ‘tolerance.’ Anyone that ‘tolerates evil and freakishly immoral stuff like this yet bashes God needs a wake up call. If you think our society is better off with everyone being transgender and gay then you have no idea what it is to have morals and I cringe at the thought of these people having kids.
- [Anthony] I cringe at intolerant people like josh c. If you don’t agree with something that’s your right. but you don’t have to attack people just because you don’t accept who they are
- I agree, Josh. Right is considered wrong, and wrong is considered right nowadays. It IS freakish.
- And Josh yes it will come, but does it have to come now, to our families?…
Jesus never said when and think this is why, he gives us the freedom to fight this form of satanism. I actually think he would want us to fight against these demonic forces trying to push aside and discredit his teachings, if not doesn’t it just defeat the purpose of it all. - We really need to go to the barn, dust off and break out the hot tar and the feathers and rail to carry them out on
Sep
28
Following on from the last post, I figure that as an exercise in personal evolution and introspection, I could try to give being a “pretty man” a try and see how it feels.
In some sense, it occupies a middle ground between regular guy and trans woman, so maybe I can find a way to get my mind around the concept.
As a start, I went out this past weekend to a party with friends, and then out for a late bite dressed as you see in the photo. (I did not dare put on makeup.)
Read More»Jun
05
I’m not one to kiss and tell, right?
Yesterday, I posted an account of an evening I spent with a guy, and I included a couple of pics, including one of us kissing.
I knew something was bothering me about the post before I put it up, but now I think I know what it was… I think I subconsciously realized that I was worried that my post was tantamount to showing off my date to everyone… kissing and telling, as it were.
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Feb
17
There have been several drive-by paintball shootings aimed at pedestrians in the gay neighborhoods of San Diego. One of these targeted several men standing outside the San Diego Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Community Center. The incidents are being investigated as hate crimes following reports that something was yelled by the perpetrators about the presumed sexual orientation of the targets.
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