Jul
03
I had a bunch of people over for a Canada Day barbecue.
I was dressed as you see me in the photo below, which was taken just after everyone left. Now, what sort of delusion are my friends under that not one of them had any reaction whatsoever, good, bad or indifferent, despite knowing me only as a guy?
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Feb
25
In response to my previous post asserting that, for me, living a female life is a choice, one commentator expressed an interesting challenge to that thinking, and one that I feel deserves a post of its own in response:
I wonder if you were required to put Janie away how long it would be before her needs started to show up in ways that you might not expect or find comfortable. I’ve heard the same story from a lot of us that when their female sides were pushed out of sight she pushed back. Nothing is worse than a “T” girl scorned for she will become a real bitch until she is once again free. The free girl is pleasant and relaxed while the closeted one is anything but.
Into a not so scientific experiment? Why don’t you put Janie away and see how long it takes for the choice to become a need?
I don’t have to “put Janie away” for even a minute to realize that I would be pretty miserable without her. All I have to do is think about doing so and I start to get agitated.
That settles nothing, however.
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Feb
09
As much as theoretically I saw a helpful gender identity distinction at the boundary-line between male and female, I have found the distinction difficult to sustain on the ground.
For me to behave in a feminine manner, I have to channel a distinctly female energy within myself. I am not able to become a feminine man other than by seeing the world from as female a perspective as I can muster, and then stepping back over the line by filtering out certain clothes.
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Feb
02
I think one of the most profound realizations that came to me in the course of considering the whole yaoi thing was the idea that I have been taking for granted the effect that the changes to my hair (both on my head – where the change is to more and longer – and on my body, where the change is to less and none) have achieved already.
I have been thinking so much about the effects that I might have to encounter if people I knew found out that I was a feminine man or even a part-time female, or whichever way we decide to characterize what it is that I am or do.
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Jan
24
I obviously recognize that whatever I have done or wanted to do as a woman – or, on the other hand, as a man, “I” (as in the whole of me) did or wanted to do. And, despite genuinely feeling that these were two distinct and separate parts of me, I always felt just a little fraudulent implying with my separate personas that I was somehow two separate people. I was not and am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, I have always been fully aware of both sides of myself, I knew I had but one body, one brain, one heart.
In short, regardless of how it’s framed, whether a feminine male or two personas, I must “own” all of it.
My increasing realization that Janie is me and I am Janie, and that I was never comfortable with the logical flaw in seeing myself as two people has led me to try to find a way to make it all one.
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Jul
07
You have lived in and enjoyed your male body for roughly 40+ years, some of your pals, even longer. Given that you have this need to “express yourself in a feminine manner”, just how exactly do you experience that? When you go out, ‘en femme’, do you actually FEEL female? Is it about being seen and treated as a female? Does it not feel extremely odd, even disingenuous, going back and forth?
Any of you who have followed the comments thread on my last post understand all too well the unpleasantness of dealing with an anonymous, relentless, contrary commentator trying to provoke and insult under the pretense of innocently teaching us the error of our ways. I plead guilty to allowing the whole mess to continue for far too long and allowing her to hijack the discussion (and I have deleted pretty much the entire mess). I will do better next time. I see it as my job to create a safe space for all of us to share our feelings and make our opinions known, and I faltered. Sorry.
That said, our commentator does have her moments, such as posing the interesting questions at the top of this post.
And so, on with my answer… (I hope readers will offer their own in the comments.)
First, I want to address what I see as an inaccurate inference in the question. I do not become Janie to go out, or to be seen. And, if I may further clarify another potential misapprehension in the question, I do not become Janie by getting all dressed up.
Like any person, I have feelings and moods. It just so happens that I understand some of my moods – the bigger, broader ones – in gender terms. There are times when I feel feminine, and others (though fewer and further between than before) when I feel like a guy. I have found that I am happier following my moods than trying to overrule them, so when I feel feminine, I am Janie; when I don’t, I am not. What feels odd, in fact, even disingenuous, is when I force myself to be other than the way I feel.
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Feb
22
It is impossible to crossdress in a world where there is no dress, and no dressing. So, clearly, in a world with no clothes, a crossdresser (defined here as a man who dresses like a woman but maintains his male identity throughout) is simply a man.
But, let’s take it a bit further: what makes a naked t-girl female (especially where she has had no surgery or hormones)?
Differently posed, how do you go about being “trans” in a theoretical world where there are no clothes?
That is, in essence, the question asked of me by an insightful reader comment on a post from last summer entitled Cause or Effect? that questioned whether I was trans or not. His feeling was that my answer to that question – or my attempts to answer it – would provide insight on the subject.
And, I think he was right.
Read More»Nov
09
Last time, I spoke of practicality (horrors!) in terms of feminine footwear, and related it to passability. This is a bit of an addendum to that post.
While part of me wants to be as authentic a woman as possible, another part recognizes that tgirls are, by definition, exceptional women – exceptionally good, bad or just different, we are not the same.
I have often made a point of saying how much I feel that being a tgirl is being a special, wonderful, rare creature.
So, I am well aware that simply striving to be a woman like every other is not always the goal.
I am not entirely without sympathy for the concept that guides some of us, that many GGs have come to take their femininity for granted and have dropped the ball.
We may want to pursue that so-called lost art of femininity, but even then, if it is to have any effect outside of the individuals doing it, it is still an evolution, not a revolution.
Read More»Apr
01
I was on a video-call with a friend of mine the other day – this friend does not know about my little secret… so obviously I was being a guy. Thing was, I was shirtless and sitting there in front of the camera…
It was really strange, but I felt uncomfortable showing off my bare chest…
I kept fidgeting either to cover my breasts or position myself so that they were off the screen.
It’s starting to look like the wall between the two sides of me is developing leaks, and there’s no way to tell whether or how long it will take before the trickle turns into a flood and the wall comes tumbling down. Those of you who have been reading my posts will understand that I have always been about keeping my boy side separate from my girl side. I love being able to be whichever I please whenever I please, but I’ve prided myself on keeping the two sides as separate and different as possible….
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