07
2012Feeling Female
You have lived in and enjoyed your male body for roughly 40+ years, some of your pals, even longer. Given that you have this need to “express yourself in a feminine manner”, just how exactly do you experience that? When you go out, ‘en femme’, do you actually FEEL female? Is it about being seen and treated as a female? Does it not feel extremely odd, even disingenuous, going back and forth?
Any of you who have followed the comments thread on my last post understand all too well the unpleasantness of dealing with an anonymous, relentless, contrary commentator trying to provoke and insult under the pretense of innocently teaching us the error of our ways. I plead guilty to allowing the whole mess to continue for far too long and allowing her to hijack the discussion (and I have deleted pretty much the entire mess). I will do better next time. I see it as my job to create a safe space for all of us to share our feelings and make our opinions known, and I faltered. Sorry.
That said, our commentator does have her moments, such as posing the interesting questions at the top of this post.
And so, on with my answer… (I hope readers will offer their own in the comments.)
First, I want to address what I see as an inaccurate inference in the question. I do not become Janie to go out, or to be seen. And, if I may further clarify another potential misapprehension in the question, I do not become Janie by getting all dressed up.
Like any person, I have feelings and moods. It just so happens that I understand some of my moods – the bigger, broader ones – in gender terms. There are times when I feel feminine, and others (though fewer and further between than before) when I feel like a guy. I have found that I am happier following my moods than trying to overrule them, so when I feel feminine, I am Janie; when I don’t, I am not. What feels odd, in fact, even disingenuous, is when I force myself to be other than the way I feel.
My clothes follow my spirit, and not the other way around.
And, when I am Janie, that presentation communicates to the outside world that I wish to be treated as female – not for kicks, but because that is what I am.
Explained this way, it should be apparent that it is not disingenuous. I am not faking my femininity, but rather, honestly expressing it. To address the other part of the question, I will not deny that one may consider it odd.
Do I actually FEEL female? This is a hard question to answer, since I am not sure what “feeling female” means. I’ve wondered about that for some time – how would a genetic woman answer that?
Rather than referencing my entire sense of self at any moment – as I imagine a genetic woman might, including her so-called masculine characteristics – I often perceive my femininity by its difference from my masculinity. I don’t feel as competitive, aggressive, arrogant or powerful. My attention is much more focused on serenity and beauty and people.
And, then, of course, there is the huge sexual difference, which spills over into many other areas – feelings of attraction to men, vulnerability, sensuality, and so on.
I would certainly be interested in hearing opinions, especially from GGs, on what it means to “feel female.” And, as I said before, I’d love to know your answers to these questions. (If it puts any of you more at ease to share, know that our “relentless commentator” has become so exasperated with me that she has given up.)
larry
Wow —That statement goes against a lot of beliefs–
“I often perceive my femininity by its difference from my masculinity. I don’t feel as competitive, aggressive, arrogant or powerful”
In my eyes I have seen the move for women to show all of these..
cdjanie
Larry, it’s not that I believe that women don’t have any of these characteristics, but I do believe they are more prevalent, and more strongly expressed by men. Moreover, unlike full-time women – whose “masculine” traits are incorporated into their femininity – there is a tendency with those of us who have a male side to allocate our masculine traits there and see our feminine side separately.
Andie Davidson
I think that you say “my masculinity” and “my femininity” you identify that these are aspects of you, not absolutes. I too challenge people to describe what it feels like to be a woman/man without reference to physiology. It’s very hard, but after all I am just me and you are just you. I think the balance does change, especially if you find a distinct preference or ease in allowing one gender expression to predominate. The initial quote itself is loaded, as if you had 40+ years of privilege and now you are taking over the privileges of the other and taking more than your fair share. There is nothing disingenuous in exploring the richness of our personalities and identitites. In fact as an illustration I would look at the rock musician who becomes the painter and artist. After tremendous success in music, I am sure there are some painters who feel it’s a bit rich that they should also become successful in art: didn’t they have enough, that they have to intrude and challenge other successful artists? We can only be who we are, and there’s nothing absolute about the (primarily) social construct of gender. Is there?
cdjanie
Of course there is tremendous overlap between what it means to be male and what it means to be female. That’s part of the reason why, when asked what “female” feels like, I naturally exclude what I see as the common ground.
I wonder if I missed the “loaded” nature of the question. I think it is open for debate. But, yeah, we can only be who we are.
As to your parting question, that’s a whole post (and a half) in itself. Suffice to say that people have a lot tied up in their own gender and their perception of the gender of others, which makes it distinctly uncomfortable for them when others start hacking away at a major basis of their understanding of society and the way people relate to one another.
cyrsti
My external perception of female is how my body reacts to the world. Skin, hair breasts etc…so what if I wear breast forms, hair extensions and wigs…genetic women do to. So what If I remove the hair from my body and soften with oils so it reacts to the sun and wind different. Genetic women do it too so I consider it female.
My inner perception of female is communication and privilege.
Women and men communicate with me different. I lost a hard edged male power privilege and have gained a softer female one.
My final inner perception of female is a mirror. NOT the one at home.
I feel much of gender is a reflection we project to the world. If you reflect female, it will be reflected back.
Your gender “elitist” bully is just insecure of his or her’s sexuality and not to be taken seriously.
What is male and female is an ever changing human condition. To say it isn’t is pure ignorance.
cdjanie
Yes, Cyrsti, I agree with your idea, if I am getting it right, that perhaps you can’t see what femininity is in a vaccuum, but rather it is about how it connects us, externally and internally, to the world. Yeah, there is a difference in the way we “touch” the world as female – long hair, hairless skin, different posture etc. And there’s a different way of relating to people that is felt again in the way others relate back.
Ashley
I don’t believe males and females really “feel” that much different. There are differences in reactions and behavior which can affect your perception of the world and the world’s perceptions of you. This is what I think your trying to express. Some of this difference is biochemical in that the female brain tends to process information slightly differently than the male brain. Whether the hormones affect the brain’s construction or the brain chemistry is not yet perfectly understood.
cdjanie
Ashley, what strikes me from your comment is what you said about the difference in the way the female brain processes information. I wonder if there is any way to know whether I or you or whoever processes information in a more masculine or more feminine way. Is there a test or some criteria by which to measure?
Ashley
Some who have studied male/female brain differences have done so using imaging to find out which brain region is more active. But the differences have some overlap AND are the question remains about how much effect nurture and socialization has. They do know that female human brains are constructed differently (more white matter/grey matter, and a thicker Corpus Collosum) than male brains which does affect how the brain is used. But they don’t know what affect it has on personality or “feeling”. Also, don’t forget that there are a bunch of people saying that this “brain difference” is all hooey anyway. But the gist can be read here http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-scientific-fundamentalist/200803/male-brain-vs-female-brain-i-why-do-men-try-figure-out-t-0
cdjanie
Thanks, Ashley. Interesting.
Andie Davidson
Worth noting in passing re your comment below too, Ashley is this: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20032-transsexual-differences-caught-on-brain-scan.html
Science is never perfect, but it is interesting. And it’s also worth reflecting on the changes trans* people feel when undergoing HRT (either way). Our body chemistry shapes our bodies, including our brains all the time. Even doing something that stimulates a key chemical (eg oxytocin) changes the way we feel about ourselves.
I am reminded that my skeleton was “built by testosterone” and I can’t avoid it! But female hormones will also develop female aspects. You can build but not so easily unbuild. Some things stay. Feelings and emotions don’t, and they affect how we feel about our bodies. But I would say a sense of gender isn’t all about hating or loving your bits. I didn’t used to have a problem with my body, it just didn’t let me really be how I felt. I would not describe it as “enjoying my male body” from that point of view. In terms of that awareness, I enjoy much more what is happening to it now.
Ashley
While that study is interesting, I’m not sure that it is definitive either. And that leads to searches for “causes” of “Transness” or “Gayness” for that matter. I believe that there are many, many causes and manifestations of these identities. Searching for causes also implies searching for “cures” or screenings when it may not be in the best intersts of those involved. I’d rather have acceptance and freedom to access whatever medical intervention the person wishes.
Andie Davidson
I think that’s true. If I have a “trans* pattern” brain that’s just the same result of a complex of things that makes me what I am. I haven’t got a clinical disorder, I am me, and some things I need to do will just make me feel a bit more “right”.
shantown
“You have lived in and enjoyed your male body”……
I think this includes a dangerously flawed assumption…enjoying living in the male body. That view, while not necessarily correct in itself, leads one to assume that the expression of femininity then must also simply be for “enjoyment”…ie “kicks”.
Who can say to what degree, if any, any of us has “enjoyed” living in a male body. I’m sure that differs for everyone. Some may have, others definitely not. Maybe it’s been more of a struggle of endurance….a frustrated resignation to “endure” the hand dealt. We learn to function and interact within the male construct, perhaps having enjoyable, fun times along the way. Is that really “enjoying life in a male body”?
As you say, only a GG can truly describe how it feels to be female. We can only describe the incredible peace and comfort and serenity and congruency that come from being able to openly express the innate, natural femininity that we have. If others relate to us and treat us as women in response to that expression, fine. We cannot control their actions and feelings. We can only control our own.
So……”feel female”?…….feel at peace with yourself
cdjanie
Beautiful thought, Shan, but I dare say many women don’t feel at peace with themselves. Gender is only one aspect of our internal serenity, right?
You have picked up on something in the question that I skipped right over, and, of course, you are right. Who is to say how much any of us has enjoyed his or her male body? And, really, what difference does it make if one has or hasn’t? (Andie’s comment may speak to this.)
Perhaps what they were trying to say was that you kept your male body, so you must prefer it. Presumptuous, but does that change anything?
Ashley
Shan: When you said “As you say, only a GG can truly describe how it feels to be female.” Seems to echo the transphobes in the women’s movement. It implies “biology overrules” and I find that a bit hard to swallow.
I have a lot of GG friends over the years and I know how they feel isn’t that much different than me. They do express their feelings differently than the men in their lives. I’m convinced that there’s as much variance between individual women in feelings to be able to say that women don’t necessarily feel that much different than men. They just react differently.
Shirley Corning
Hi Janie,
Well I’m a little late getting back to this and I’m going to ask my cousin if she would consider commenting on it being as down to earth and insightful as she is. As human beings whether male or female we have so much in common we can describe our feelings and so much more with reasonable accuracy just in our language. While it may give you a pretty good idea of what is meant that doesn’t mean by any means you can know exactly how anyone else feels. While I concede that the masculine and feminine worlds are like two parallel universes it is you, your personal identity who defines who you are regardless of your physical sex. Mentally there is nothing to stop you from having feelings typical of women. For a common example I feel like a typical love struck female fan just watching a Youtube video of Michael Bolton singing Steel Bars. What the reality is physically doesn’t limit what you can think or feel mentally. Thought is not governed by physical law. You can imagine the physically impossible. I’m physically male but what I think and how I feel is more typical of a woman and I’d make one heck of a gal.
Suppose for a moment it was currently possible to transplant brains and you and a genetic female had agreed to switch bodies. So the surgery was successful and you now have a genetically female body. Now in theory you will still be you but now you have a new physical reality to experience. Could be fun but you’re still the one and only authentic you. So then we could say you’re a woman with a not necessarily typical point of view. So? It wouldn’t really matter would it. We all have thoughts and feelings not all of which are easy to explain but we can do a pretty good job of discribing them in such a way that other people will understand or get the idea. So I don’t worry about it. I feel feminine and would do just fine as a female but I have some masculine characteristics. So? There’s plenty of women like that too.
There is a possibility that some of this detailed introspection isn’t worth worrying about. Of course I’m absolutely right every time or at least it looks like it from my point view. lol
Shirley xoxo
cdjanie
I think you are oversimplifying things a bit. I believe that a woman’s perspective on life stems at least to some extent from her biology – her physical vulnerability and her biological function of carrying children. I’d wager further that there is a nurturing aspect to females that is more innate than socialized, again likely tied to her role as a mother.
Shirley Corning
You mean I didn’t cover every physiological, sociological and psychological aspect of the human race in three paragraphs? Darn. I must be slipping. lol