tempting fate - gender identity

Gender Identity – Tempting Fate

I followed up my performance at that last party by wearing the same teal green booties with white pants and a women’s casual top (and even a bit of mascara) to a dinner party with some of the same friends.

Again nothing.

At one point in the evening, we were discussing some celebrities, and one of the women mentioned that she didn’t like the way Brad Pitt looked with long hair. Too greasy, too droopy, no body – just didn’t look right.

“Maybe they thought that if they gave his hair more body, he’d look too feminine,” I piped in helpfully.

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teal booties with men's pants

On Gender Change – Hair’s the Thing

I think one of the most profound realizations that came to me in the course of considering the whole yaoi thing was the idea that I have been taking for granted the effect that the changes to my hair (both on my head – where the change is to more and longer – and on my body, where the change is to less and none) have achieved already.

I have been thinking so much about the effects that I might have to encounter if people I knew found out that I was a feminine man or even a part-time female, or whichever way we decide to characterize what it is that I am or do.

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snow capped fire red heels and mini skirt

Men and Their Heels

I just thought I’d direct your attention to an interesting article from the BBC entitled “Why Did Men Stop Wearing High Heels?”

For the uninitiated, it seems that men used to have long hair, wear flowing, frilly clothes, and yes, high heels. At times, this was done for functional reasons; other times, it was to signify wealth and class.

Equally interesting is that high heels were out of fashion for a time for both genders.

It was not only designers but changing gender and class roles and social mores that influenced who wore the pants… or stilettos… in the family.

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gender identity unifying theory

Gender Identity – Unifying Theory

I obviously recognize that whatever I have done or wanted to do as a woman – or, on the other hand, as a man, “I” (as in the whole of me) did or wanted to do. And, despite genuinely feeling that these were two distinct and separate parts of me, I always felt just a little fraudulent implying with my separate personas that I was somehow two separate people. I was not and am not suffering from multiple personality disorder, I have always been fully aware of both sides of myself, I knew I had but one body, one brain, one heart.

In short, regardless of how it’s framed, whether a feminine male or two personas, I must “own” all of it.

My increasing realization that Janie is me and I am Janie, and that I was never comfortable with the logical flaw in seeing myself as two people has led me to try to find a way to make it all one.

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Are Gender and Sexuality Related?

The always insightful and elegantly expressed Petra Bellejambes, whom I am proud to count as a friend, pointed out recently the separateness of gender and sexuality, at least for her.

Our feminine experience alters us to varying degrees. Some are exactly the same person regardless of gender expression. Some find gentler and subtler aspects of themselves in their femininity, and even use that as a way of improving their male selves.

Some transform only for sex; for others, sex does not play a part at all.

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Pretty, Witty and Gay? – The Upshot of Changing Gender Identity

Updating my male gender identity to include seeing my male self in feminine terms would be a most profound change for me. What I am contemplating here flies in the face of everything I have done to defend the purity of my male self as a regular guy separate and apart from my feminine side. That was precisely the driving force behind the emergence of a separate persona to express a side of me that was incompatible with who I had been until then.

Nowhere is this more profound than in terms of my sexuality.

To me, being Janie means not only the superficial, social and emotional aspects of womanhood, but also an attraction for men. As I have always viewed sexuality in heterosexual terms, it was so implicit that I never gave it much thought: like duh, if I am female, I am attracted to men.

But then, if I am morphing the straight woman that Janie is into a feminine male version of myself, then I would have to get my mind around the idea that I, as a guy, can be attracted to men.

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gender identity

A New Take on My Male Gender Identity

The last time I spoke about gender identity, I spoke about applying the concept of a yaoi character to my own life, of perhaps being an extremely feminine male. It may seem very similar to what’s going on now, but there are important differences that make it both appealing and challenging.

In my mind, the whole concept can be described succinctly and bluntly as essentially Janie without the claim of womanhood and without the second identity (or gender identity). And, quite possibly without the heels and skirts.

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gender mix

Trying on the Yaoi Gender Mix for Size

Yaoi, to my understanding, are cartoons involving love between young men possessed of a large dose of feminine beauty. I have been wondering lately whether such a concept has any application to me. (I realize that I have briefly explored this concept of gender before, but I think I am a bit more open to the idea than I was then.)

Thinking about the gender spectrum, what if I, or rather my gender mix, took a step back from being female, tiptoed across that spectrum just past the tipping point back to the male side? My hair is already a profound statement that I have moved along the spectrum towards femininity from my old masculine self; I could push it further by wearing a bit of makeup, or jewelry, or piercing my ears.

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wrong body

Gender and the Wrong Body

The original post started as follows: “So, I’ve been told that to describe a trans person as “being born in the wrong body” is simplistic and offensive.”

When I originally happened upon this online discussion, I didn’t think it would amount to anything other than some very sensitive people having their say.

The first few responses were predictable: y’know, stuff like “everyone has their own point of view…,” “ask the offended person for their personal reason…,” blah, blah, blah…

So, I dutifully responded: “It may be simplistic, but simple ways of describing things are usually very effective. Offensive? – well some people get offended by anything.  If I had to guess, I would say that if you do the math, telling someone they have a man’s body makes them a man, so someone who feels themself a woman could be put off. Perhaps they would prefer “a woman who is uncomfortable with the incompatible sexual characteristics of her body.”

A Female’s Body is a Female Body

The next responder put it much better and more succinctly:

“Because the person is a woman, thus, it is a woman’s body. That it does not conform to society’s preconceptions of “female” is irrelevant.”

…and we were on our way…

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not much of a man

Not Much of a Man

My morning’s email brought with it a bunch of digital photos of me and my family over the holidays, and my reaction to them was not positive.

What I saw were the kind of photos where, years later, a next generation asks, “Who’s that weird-looking guy in this picture?” and the answer is something like, “Oh, he was some crazy uncle… I heard he was a nice enough guy, but obviously quite strange…”

Looking at the photo was troubling not because of the judgment of others, but because of my own verdict, to wit: one strange bird among several normal-looking people.

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