Aug
27
The other day, I wrote about feeling like an imposter… which begs the question, “What exactly is the pretence?”
Stated differently, “What is it about being a woman that I am doing that is not authentic?”
Of course, these questions lead into consideration of what being a woman is all about… a bit of a tough question.
Read More»Jul
28
“Normal” is not a welcome word in transgender circles. We are, irrefutably, relatively rare in number, and our take on gender and sexuality is probably not shared by the vast majority of folks.
While “normal” can be a statistical term, it can also be a value judgment. The opposite of “normal” in that latter sense is something like “different.”
The jump from “different” to “sick because your different” is one that many people make without a moment’s thought.
But, it behooves us to insist that people ask themselves, “Why?”
Ok, I am different than most people. Why do you care? Why do you think it is wrong? Why do you think it is sick? Think about it. And then again answer the key question: why do you care?
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Jul
17
As I throw around the idea of whether Janie’s place in my life is for good or not, it helps to remember that my experience so far has been something like having the Red Sea parted to allow me to walk, in heels, down life’s road.
So many CDs or tgirls are confronted by daunting obstacles in their efforts to become what they need to be. They show courage and perseverance and determination, and often suffer through heart-wrenching compromises. I salute them.
I often ask myself whether I wouldn’t have quit in the face of their challenges. But, I also wonder why I keep questioning something that, it seems, I was destined for, if for no other reason than that it has been so easy.
I am the right size, and the right proportions. I have feminine facial features (well some, anyway). I can buy my clothes off the rack in regular stores and my shoes in women’s shoe stores. I live in an extremely tolerant city. My job and financial well-being are not threatened by it. My relationship is not an issue, and in fact has been improved by it. My social network is a relatively small concern. I have my hair, and it turns out to be curly and fun. I have a relatively feminine voice. I find it easy to walk in heels. I have a decent fashion sense. Feminine posture has actually helped my back problems. Janie’s presence in my life is the answer to a number of personal issues (maybe not the best answer, but not a bad answer). I could go on…
It’s almost as if it would be ungracious to turn my back on all that…
Jul
09
I had an odd thought today: why shouldn’t I be able to choose my gender according to my desire, no questions asked?
If you are born or brought up male, there are an awful lot of people who expect you to justify the choice of a female life on the basis of medical condition, inner spirit, psychiatric need or some way of showing that a true female lurks within.
In fact, we do it to ourselves. I have been looking for some kind of proof of my feminine credentials for some time now. Am I? Really?
But, why does it matter? Why can’t I be female for no other reason than I feel like it, or that it makes me happy? Whom am I harming? What’s wrong with it?
It is not like every Joe on the street is going to see that there is no “rule” against switching genders and immediately shave his legs and put on a skirt. Men guard their masculinity quite jealously. Those of us who even contemplate such things – nevermind actually following through – are obviously naturally inclined that way.
Or, am I missing something? (How’s that for “teeing one up?”)
Jun
25
One of the reasons that becoming a t-girl can be so liberating is that you get a whole new person, new name and blank slate from which to operate.
More than that, you aren’t expected to reveal what you do for work, who your family is or any other details of your real life.
You can start building a whole new reputation. You can do things you might never have done before, because now they won’t be attributed to the guy you are, who has to keep up his appearances.
There is a new-found freedom from the judgment of those who have been judging you all your life.
There is even a new-found freedom from your own inner voices, and your bad habits, and from the burden of expectations you have had to deal with.
No wonder it is so intoxicating, and draws in so many who try it. Who could resist such a contract?
Read More»Jun
09
I am “straight.”
I realize that the concept is somewhat strained in a TG context, and far be it for anyone who is sexually interested in both men and women to honestly claim being straight, but there it is nonetheless.
Yes, I have heard that from men who only occasionally have sex with other men (“Oh, that doesn’t count.”), guys who dream about giving oral to another (another exception, apparently) and others who are simply lying to themselves.
I have no problem with being seen as bisexual, and I fully accept that any guy my female self would consider a potential sex partner is someone “I” (as in the whole of me) would as well. So yes, if you’re keeping score (or anxious to find gayness in people), I am probably bisexual.
Nevertheless, from a purely informative aspect, “straight” captures what I am about so much more clearly and completely.
Read More»Jun
08
Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Life would be so simple if I just lived within the lines that society has drawn for me.
I look at regular people who have spouses and children and jobs and friends – and they seem to be happy and leading full and wholesome lives.
They never think about gender, or dating or STDs or marginalization or passing or sexual orientation, or leading double lives, or sneaking out of their houses…
It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery. And that’s before we even consider the external challenges.
In a way, it is a very positive thing. It has forced me to better understand myself, to open my mind to new ideas and to new feelings, and to become a better person.
But, there is much work left to be done, and until I can come to some comfortable understanding of the things that continue to trouble me, the whole house of cards is in jeopardy.
May
29
For a long time, just being the woman that I am was something, was enough.
I did everything that needed to be done as a man, and when it was time for fun, there was Janie, the party girl.
But, now I am realizing that Janie has to pull her own weight or risk becoming a fantasy, a pretense.
I cringe a little as I say this, but I need to undertake work, drudgery and conflict, commitment and responsibility, problems and challenges, routine and expectation – all as a woman if Janie is going to continue to feel real to me.
Funny, though, because part of the inner appeal of my femininity has been how light and wondrous it has felt. And, now I seem intent on weighing it down with reality.
Read More»May
28
After a week of partying with Wildside friends, there is a temptation for those of us who are struggling with the place of our feminine side in our lives to think that a week of such fun validates this lifestyle choice.
After all, we find friendship and common ground, we have no issues with acceptance and no need for pretence. And, quite understandably, our hearts soar.
The Pink Fog
We are liberated from our worries, freed of our real-world shackles, welcomed with open arms and smiles and laughter, and exposed to the company of role models and sisters of the same feather.
…and none of it would be possible without being T.
The people we meet would not be as open to meeting others if they weren’t T (we all know that making any new friends in middle age is tough, nevermind great friends). We wouldn’t be as needy without being T. The greatness of the people we meet is inseparable from their T-ness. The ease with which we all find common ground is tied into being T. And, so on…
It is almost irresistible to contemplate that our everyday lives could be just the same, if only…
Read More»May
24
If you think a soulful and sensible person has to be boring, you haven’t met Jennifer Long.
I have major trust issues; I admit it. I am very slow to trust people on two separate levels – their intent and their judgment. But, Jennifer is wise, sensible and truly good. I sensed it right away. She broke down my defences in a heartbeat.
I had corresponded with her online before meeting her, but at that first meeting, she assumed the role of a playful dominatrix, giggling an evil giggle.
I responded to this relative stranger by relaxing and putting myself in her hands.
Read More»
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