Dec
17
Aside from the practical and emotional and time-management problems (which I alluded to last time) of leading this double life, of two separate lives under one brain and body, there are self-image issues.
Talking to Myself
I’d look at myself in the mirror and worry that maybe I wasn’t feminine enough – inside and out – to consider myself a woman. This is not simply an appearance thing – or even mannerism thing. Often, looking at my reflection morphed into a conversation with myself, a reflection of a deeper sort.
Sometimes, I asked myself if maybe I was fooling myself; maybe I was faking it. Was I pretending to be female, or was I really partly female? I consoled myself with the notion that awkwardness was to be expected in behaving in a way that was unlike the way I had been used to for decades.
But, the question never completely went away, even as things became more natural for me. One of the main reasons I allowed that doubt to gnaw away at me was that I don’t think I ever really accepted what I had appropriated – that I could be two separate people.
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Jun
18
I doubt I am alone in confessing that I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I’m not talking so much about the makeup mirror, but more about just seeing the reflection of my female alter-ego.
It seems a common affliction of my tgirl sisters, and I am not immune. It is an old joke that if you want to stop a tgirl in her tracks just put up a mirror.
There are a number of reasons why we do this, and the reasons change for each of us over time.
In the beginning, for me, I think it was mostly about how I couldn’t believe it was actually me. Also, there tends to be a certain element of sexual arousal in a gurl’s early days.
The Mirror of Introspection
But all that has long past. These days, it is more about my questioning myself. And, to that end, I tend to inspect not just Janie’s reflection but that of my male self.
Loathe as I am to admit, seeing beauty in the mirror supports the notion in my mind that I am truly female and doing the right thing in following that path, while noticing masculinity in my reflection tends to incite doubts as to what this crazy guy is doing.
The truth of the matter is that neither is of any importance at all. It is all about what’s inside.
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Jan
12
It is an inevitable challenge of being a heterosexual t-girl to decipher why it is that you like what you see in the mirror, to distinguish between your internal self and your external self.
As a non-T guy, you can look in the mirror and think that you look good, and that’s as far as it goes.
But, as a trans-woman, your impression is clouded by the simple fact that your guy side will be attracted to your female presentation.
So, when you look in the mirror, are you a woman admiring herself just as any single-gendered person might?
Or, are you a guy, being turned on by that woman in the mirror, whom you know you can have, who you know will do the things you want…
Jan
06
I am grateful for the comments on my recent post The Irresistible Lure of the Lens, and I think that your explanations for our obsession with taking pictures of ourselves were intelligent and thought-provoking.
Here’s my two-cents’…
I have found that t-girls obsession with the lens is matched by our inability to walk past a mirror without looking at ourselves.
Both are momentary reflections of us that teach us what we may be doing wrong and impress us with what we are doing right. And we are ever eager to learn about both.
For my money, the mirror is the better learning tool, as it is interactive. Sometimes, it’s “Goll darn, I am doing pretty good!” but more often than not, there is some flaw that bears improving, and I can look away, take a deep breath and try to change my posture, my expression or whatever, to improve my result.
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Jun
23
I must say that a tgirl sees some funny things in the mirror.
Oftentimes, that humor is but a manifestation of a little inner pain and confusion, but a little laughter is nice medicine.
One such incident just occurred as I changed clothes.
I spent the day with my hair tied back and in manly clothes doing the pinstripe thing, and when I got home, I just wanted to wear something more comfortable.
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