Jan
03
My morning’s email brought with it a bunch of digital photos of me and my family over the holidays, and my reaction to them was not positive.
What I saw were the kind of photos where, years later, a next generation asks, “Who’s that weird-looking guy in this picture?” and the answer is something like, “Oh, he was some crazy uncle… I heard he was a nice enough guy, but obviously quite strange…”
Looking at the photo was troubling not because of the judgment of others, but because of my own verdict, to wit: one strange bird among several normal-looking people.
Read More»Jun
20
For me, the biggest doubts about being a woman concern the betrayal that it may be of the guy that I always understood myself to be, who I thought I was, who I thought I was going to be.
I use the word “guy” because I am not sure that I ever entirely got to the point of considering myself a “man.” There were and maybe still are issues of maturity and other things that are mixed into that psychological mess, but I never acquired, in my own eyes, the gravitas that being a man – as I understand the term – involves.
And, more than likely, being female as I am now is either a cause of or a result of that same thought process.
Or, maybe both.
Mar
17
I’ve been Ma’am-ed before on several occasions while in male mode, but this is a whole new thing.
When someone refers to you as “Ma’am,” they see you as a blank stranger – another person in line, a customer, someone in their way… whatever.
But, today, I was getting on the plane, and a fairly good-looking man in his 40s or 50s stepped out of the aisle to let me pass, looking straight into my eyes with a smile and softly saying, “Go ahead, dear.”
Certainly not an affirmation of my masculinity, that’s for sure!
I am equal parts puzzled, concerned and pleased.
Read More»
Feb
23
For the first time in a long time I found myself thrilled to spend a day as a guy.
I’d almost forgotten how wonderful that can be.
So much so, that when I was doing some writing a month or so ago, I had more than a little difficulty finding any reason that truly resonated inside as to why a person would want to be a guy.
But manhood can be quite a rush. A powerful feeling and a feeling of power. A feeling of strength and control and competence in a way that’s completely different from the feminine versions of those things. (This is an astounding contrast with the feelings I expressed in this post from last summer.)
If I had to find a metaphor, it would be, um… shoes. Masculine shoes and feminine shoes. Oxfords and high heels.
Read More»
Jan
27
A couple of days ago, I asked a question about the way crossdressers portray themselves photographically. Today, I will offer an opinion, which you may infer from the title.
I have made mention in the past of men’s inclination to represent themselves by their sexual organs, often to the exclusion of their faces. Oh, they take pictures of it from every conceivable angle and then share it with the world as if it were the most amazing thing.
If you’ve got something, show it off: my car is faster than yours; my drill is more powerful; my cellphone is newer, etc.
Crossdressing doesn’t seem to change this: my heels are higher than yours, look what I can fit in my… (I just can’t say it), and so on…
Read More»
Jul
22
Yesterday, I was asked why I would feel inclined to try the boy thing again after having moved so far away from it over the past few years.
An interesting and instructive question at that. So, here is how I answered the question, more or less:
It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed recently right here on my blog. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.
No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life, though she is not a dominant personality at all. The majority of my time has been spent as female for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.
I need a better understanding of where Janie came from, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.
In that regard, take note of a little inner conversation I had this morning when I got up after not nearly enough sleep.
Read More»
Recent Comments