03
2013Not Much of a Man
My morning’s email brought with it a bunch of digital photos of me and my family over the holidays, and my reaction to them was not positive.
What I saw were the kind of photos where, years later, a next generation asks, “Who’s that weird-looking guy in this picture?” and the answer is something like, “Oh, he was some crazy uncle… I heard he was a nice enough guy, but obviously quite strange…”
Looking at the photo was troubling not because of the judgment of others, but because of my own verdict, to wit: one strange bird among several normal-looking people.
“THAT is not a man,” I think to myself. “Doesn’t really look like a woman either, but maybe it’d be better if it did.”
Pretending to be just me, the guy, the way I have always been, but with long hair and other, more subtle changes – in affectations and posing and facial hair and manicure – is just putting a ridiculous picture out there.
I am going to have to put more effort into being a reasonable approximation of a man, or… the entire pretense is going to have to go.
Klyde
As my granddaddy used to say ” You either fish or cut bait.” So which will it be? I think It will be the latter.
Janie
Is the woman the fish or the bait? (I will leave the jokes to the jokesters out there.)
Shirley Corning
Why do you have to be a man when you have such a feminine side as Janie? I don’t think you’ve made up your mind. Only you can decide . Do you favor yourself as a man or a woman or do you wish to be on both sides? Lay it out amonst us to hear our reply. We’re willing to hear anything you want to say. The National Enquirer says, ” Inquiring minds want to know.” Perhaps that’s a way of saying there are nosey people who want to look into your business. That may be a bit absurd but your real fans wish you the best. So what will it be Janie? Your masculine or feminine self? Can you even decide at this point? You’re a miracle happ[ening. What will it be?
With love and big hugs for the new year,b
Shirley
Janie
Shirley, you should have been a cheerleader. Thanks for the positive energy. I am still both male and female, but finding the right balance is a challenge – and seeing myself as a man I don’t respect is not easy to take. I know it is just a step in figuring things out…
Ashley
Been saying that for some time now.
Janie
I hear ya…
xxnicolecd69
There is an old saying, I think it is from a Robbie Burn’s poem. It stares, “To see ourselves as others see us”. I still think of myself as young and slender until I see a photo of myself. But don’t be too hard on yourself Janie, perhaps this is what you needed to determine who you want to be. It may be the sign you were looking for.
Janie
A very hopeful perspective. Thanks.
cyrsti
Sometimes a picture DOES say a thousand words.
It seems the ones you looked at did.
Sometimes I think you rule out the “dual gender” possibility and work too hard to label yourself a man or woman.
As far as future generations go…lets hope they replace “strange” with honesty. Pride you lived life on your terms and set an example for them!
Janie
Eccentric is a risky way to go; being a pioneer, a renegade is a romantic way to look at oneself. But if you miss the mark, it is a long way down.
Gabriela
Weird looking guy?
I have an older sister, and there are photos of her husband back from the seventies where he was wearing patent leather platform boots (6 inch!), those ridiculous wide bell-bottoms, a shirt with a collar you could accidentally kill yourself when you’re not careful, and showing THAT much chest hair that an eagle would seriously consider building a nest in it.
Nobody judges him by the way he looked back then…
Janie
I am not sure what you mean by judging him or not, Gaby, but you certainly took note of it and still remember.
Yes, we all do innocent things, like fashion things that we’d like to forget, and really no one really thinks less of us; but it is still there…
Those who know us will use it once in a while to poke some innocent fun – and there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, you have to be able to laugh at yourself. But for a future generation that never knew us, that photo IS that person… not that it makes any difference in my life today, but it is uncomfortable to think of being remembered that way.
Also, remember, your brother-in-law probably wore those clothes and thought he looked great back then; it is only with the passage of time that it looks strange. I am looking at these photos now and thinking it looks strange now. That is a big difference.
Gabriela
Good points, but maybe my comparison wasn’t the best one.
I understand your concerns, but worrying about FUTURE generations?
I mean, if all photos of you would show a strong and ‘manly’ guy, but you would die in a car accident all dolled up…people would remember THAT, not how cool you looked on the family photos.
Janie
Well, let’s not give the fates any ideas of how to dispose of me… i guess the point I am making is that I am proud of the way I look as a woman – not so much lately about how I look as a man.
Andie Davidson
Everyone is a balance of their male and female “sides”/aspects. That doesn’t mean you are obliged to live one day as one and another day as the other. It doesn’t mean excising one part of yourself for convenience or comfort either. My experience of transition was that the more I settled into living out my female self, the more I knew in my heart what I am truly not. I still do practical stuff expected of males because I know how to. But do I dance as a man? Hell no! So why dress as a man and dance badly? (An analogy too as well as a truth.)
Janie
I have yet to discover myself with that degree of certainty. I am still quite certain that there is a man in me, and as long as I am going to give a voice to him, it has to be true to that kind of a guy that I am/was. Otherwise, I do not respect him, and that is no way to live.
Ashley
Janie the binary really really has a pull that few can truly resist. It is difficult to straddle. You can be female and a feminine male for only so long. Maybe it’s time you did some serious soul searching.
You’re not a true crossdresser, IMO. Not just from the fact that you do it so well, or often but from the fact that you’re so comfortable as Janie. You’ve been leaking gender for quite some time. Maybe it’s time to be Janie, with a mannish side instead of a guy with a female side?
Janie
It has occurred to me that I have far less objection to doing guy things as Janie than I do mixing femininity into my guy life. So, we are sorta on the same wavelength, I think.
Shannon Townes
An old saying comes to mind…”you can’t have your cake and eat it too”.
You say you’re proud of the way you look as a woman (like, duh, who wouldn’t be), but not so much as a man. I think we can’t have it both ways. For many of us, in order to achieve the femininity we desire, the man is going to have to give in, at least to some degree. I don’t know that we can make the changes we do…long hair, manis and pedis, hair removal….and then worry or complain about how the guy looks with all of those changes. It just comes with the territory. I believe the professional folks call it “gender leakage”.
Janie
Yes, Shannon, that’s about the size of it.
Shannon Townes
Sounds like somebody is experiencing dome gender leakage…