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2012Oops, I Did It Again! – A Dating Post Mortem
Lovely night out, I had.
I met a guy who treated me wonderfully, respectfully, romantically. Ok, so he wasn’t an Adonis, but I found that it mattered less and less as the evening wore on.
We talked and flirted for quite a while. We even talked about food and drink and restaurants, and bandied about the idea of him taking me out for dinner in the future.
Eventually, he leaned in and kissed me. Nice.
Sadly, it was all downhill from there.
The first problem was that I let things go further than that. To be honest, it had been long enough between nights out like this that I had forgotten my own dating rules, developed through the bad feelings of doing things wrong. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, right?
My immediate thinking process – if thinking went on at all – was that I was kinda in the mood, and I was enjoying his company.
Anyway, the second problem was that once things got hot and heavy, his demeanor changed somewhat. Nothing profound or offensive really, but enough that I sensed it right away.
THAT was the moment of truth – and I let it slip by. THAT was the moment to walk away – but I didn’t.
Ever do something, and all the while you know you’re making a mistake but you continue? Like a slow-motion car-wreck… and you can’t stop! Part of it is hoping your instincts are wrong, but they never are. Part of it is worry about offending the other person, which is stupid.
In retrospect, I can visualize how it should have gone, what I should have done, and what I could have said to extricate myself reasonably gracefully from the situation at the right time. I am repeating these to myself at every opportunity, and hoping for further inspiration, but in any event preparing for the next time (since there’s nothing one can do about the last time).
Sometimes I think I am an adult woman with an adolescent’s street-smarts. In some sense that can be understood, having never had the formative years to learn the dating ropes, as it were. I welcome your experiences and advice.
Interestingly, in the wake of this mess, I would still happily go out for dinner with him. But, no monkey-business!
Shannon Townes
Wish I could help ya there, Janie. Unfortunately though, I gotta admit I ain’t ever “been there, done that”. I’d sure relish the chance to learn from experience, though. Then I’ll get back with ya… 😉
BTW, did this guy know what he was “getting in to”, so to speak……she asked nosily
Janie
Oh, absolutely. I would never surprise a guy that way. I have said many times before, the minute things move beyond conversation, if there is any doubt, I will explain the situation clearly and in a way that helps him withdraw gracefully if he wants to.
cyrsti
I don’t have a lot of experience in this area but in your case, does the man have a sense of your true sex?
In my case, the two guys did.
The first caught me by surprise in that I did enjoy his kisses etc…and I found myself reacting with “moves” women put on me …then I thought Oh S–t what have I done and how do I back him off. Very quickly I was labeling my self the old high school label d–k teaser.
So I started to put the brakes on him slowly as they were applied to me by women… Slowing the kissing touching etc. Luckily I was able to finish the evening off with some sort of grace…and he moved away!
The second man was a prince and we went out about four times. He was gentle, intelligent and fun BUT lived two states away and was married (not proud of that) this time I was able to have some sort of control over the situation.
We never went all the way and I haven’t heard from him for awhile…maybe wife found out?
Now you…Janie you have to approach this totally from your female side and learn what controls you have to have.
If the man knows you are trans…make him contact you in other ways to see how serious he is…about what.
But on the other hand, you can’t really expect not to attract attention as a single sensual woman out by yourself the way you look.
If the girl in you wants to flirt, she has to learn how to handle it. The best experience is the route you are taking.
Just take it a step at a time…carefully.
You just might find some night you really don’t want to stop.
Janie
Exactly, Cyrsti. Thanks for the benefit of your wisdom and experience. As I told Shannon, he knew my true nature right from the start.
There is always the chance I will meet a guy and sparks will fly immediately. But, the better percentage play is to take it slowly. I should have gone out on that date with him rather than do what I did. If things had still progressed to a more physical level, I’d still have been faced with the same dilemma – how to back out of something I was more than happy to start into.
Fact is, as a girlfriend of mine told me, a good guy would back off the second I expressed any sort of discomfort; a great guy would sense it and back off even before that. I should feel no qualms about changing my mind, and I should trust my little voice the second she whispers in my ear.
Ashley
Just be careful out there. The world is sometimes unkind to folks who get involved with the wrong person. http://www.transgenderdor.org/
Just be VERY careful OK?
Shannon Townes
Great point, Ashley. I second that motion.
Be careful, Janie.
Janie
Thanks for your concern. Really. 🙂
I am quite careful – often to the point of neurosis.
And this guy was never any danger to anyone. The change in his behavior that I mentioned in the post was basically about getting so excited that his own pleasure somewhat overwhelmed his inclination to gentlemanliness and consideration.
I know we gender travelers are more vulnerable than most, and I act accordingly. But, it is also important to remember that all women need to be careful of consorting with the wrong people.
Lucille Spencer
I used to understand this coyness from yesteryear and in fact acted that way for awhile. Then I thought about my dating as a guy. This is a new world of equality. Why can’t I as a woman want and enjoy sex as much AND in the same way as a guy. Now I think that men and women should share “using” each other for pleasure. Soooo what’s the problem with consummation instead af acting like you’re in a 50’s beach blanket movie? That’s where the guy holds back until they’re married. Grow up.
OK you are a cutie and girlie but having sex doesn’t make you a bad girl no matter what your mother told you.
Janie
Lucille, thanks for your input; it is nice to have your voice in the mix.
I agree that men and women should be free to have sex in a one-night-stand sorta way… if they want to.
However, equality is not about getting women to act like men or vice versa. And, I think I am quite safe in saying that women are less likely to want sex with a stranger than are men.
I know that in my feminine headspace, there are a whole number of reasons I have for being more cautious than I would be as a man. And, it has nothing to do with feminine stereotypes or being a “good girl.”
Anyway, this post is not about being coy. I agreed and then I perceived things from him that made me re-consider my original decision. I wanted to stop, not because I felt having sex would make me a bad girl, but because I felt that having sex would not please me.
If your experience as a woman is about liberating womanhood from our own sense of sexuality into a more male-oriented one, you and I are going to find ourselves on opposite sides of many discussions.
Moreover, even though it has little application to my personal case, I take issue with your implication that being either religious, old-fashioned or sexually selective is immature. Promiscuity is not a sign of superior human evolution, my dear.
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