Ever since I returned home from a recent driving trip, I have been out of sorts.  I have fallen into one of those periods of malaise that affects many crossdressers, I’m sure, where I am just not sure whether the whole thing isn’t just a waste of time.

Self-Doubt

Despite the many strides I have made, there seems to be lingering doubts as to whether I am simply being self-destructive, or maybe even undertaking some elaborate form of procrastination.

I mean, I put a lot of time and effort into all things Janie.

Then, sometimes I find myself face to face with the mirror, thinking, “You’re just such a weirdo.  Wouldn’t your time be better spent on something more constructive?  What good can come of this? Stop trying to be something you’re not!”

Who Am I?

The truth is that I don’t know if this is something I am or something I do – and if the latter, whether it is something I ought not to do.

Before Janie, I lived for decades never ever remotely contemplating any attraction to men, but now I think about it every day.  Have I perverted my own sexuality, or just started to realize it?

I do know that being this girl I am is risky business.  It brings sexual risk, and it brings social risk.  It is often energizing, but sometimes – as now – energy-sapping.

And, to some extent, it does distract me from pursuing challenges that maybe would be more rewarding, but seem somehow more daunting to me.

Chin Up, Wilbur!

A girl’s got to know, though.  And there’s only one way to find out for sure, right?

But for now, I am left with lots of questions and few answers.  And, it’s damn depressing.

Maybe I should take advantage of this time to do some of those things I have been too busy – or too scared – to do for so long…