16
2010Stuck Being Me
It was upon looking at some older pictures of myself that a distressing thought occurred to me… and often, as now, these thoughts become the subject of a blog post…
I fear that since I have become more womanly and authentic, I have also become a lot more… well, BORING!
Oh, don’t deny it! 
Was a time, I’d wear pink hair and 6-inch heels…
…maybe a caricature, but certainly better for the amusement of others than what I am becoming – which is a fairly regular girl. When one is counting on the attention of her viewers and readers, it is not by any means a given that “normal” is a good thing.
Nowadays, my sensibilities run towards sexy but realistic clothes rather than outrageous and impossible outfits (some of which admittedly I have never been willing to share anyways).
Since I go out a lot more, I have to wear shoes that I can actually get around in. Ho hum…
And, worst of all, my hair…
I have grown out my hair and I do love my playful reddish curls, styling my hair and above all, not having to wear an awful, artificial, overly hot and uncomfortable, worried-it’s-gonna-fall-off (or at least turn askew) wig!
But, this means I can’t change my hair color or length or style from one day to the next. And, my real hair is so thick and voluminous that it’s no picnic trying to stuff it all into a wig, even just for a photo shoot. 
And that limits my ability to provide completely different looks and personalities.
So, I’m stuck just being me…
…pretty soon, I’ll just want to kick off my heels, and curl up my pretty little feet under my tight little bottom on the couch with a good book and a glass of wine…
…and no one will ever want to hear from me again…
Petra Bellejambes
Dear Janie – an interesting position to be in. It might not surprise you to know that I have a thought on the matter.
I suspect that some of the more out-there ensembles and looks had the effect of making the surface you more visible but pretty much obscuring the authentic you. A caricature stays in character. All of the consequences and responsibilities of being that character are put in a box along with the hooker heels and the high pile of hair when the day is done. Nice way to explore the world methinks for at least a while.
Beneath those surfaces though you have discovered an authentic you. She is a little less of a spectacle it seems and that may feel like a loss, but I would wager that the women that you admire the most are not spectacles. They are authentic beauties that are not obscured by their appearance. Is this who you are becoming?
Bigger responsibilities, yes, but methinks the rewards to be great.
I do feel very deeply that you will miss the vixen Janie and all the shock and awe stuff, but there is much good in the trade up.
xxoo – Petra
cdjanie
Petra, I can always count on you for wise words and supportive thoughts. You are a treasure, no doubt.
And yet, this is after all the entertainment business. We shall see where the eyeballs go.
Mitzy
Yep, so true, so ironic. The more womanly you become, the less the clothes matter.
cdjanie
Thanks for the comment, Mitzy. I would clarify that clothes do matter somewhat differently rather than less. I still strive with all my power to be as beautiful inside and out as possible; what has happened is that what I consider to be outer beauty is now a little less flash and a little more subtle and enduring – at least that’s what I’d hope. But, your point is well taken that my femininity has become more internalized, and my feminine feelings can exist independent of my choice of clothes – though I hasten to add that the kind of girl I am loves her heels and soft fabrics and feels somewhat displaced in boy clothes – as I imagine a real women might.
Shitrley Corning
Dear Janie, I never mean to laugh at someone but with them so please don’t take offense at my saying your concern amused me. Wouldn’t you agree that everyone is absolutely unique both physically and mentally? There has never been and never will be another Janie Black, not across the entire universe and all time. It is a gift to you and the world. It is your unique insights and your ability to express them well more than anything else that keeps your subscribers tuned in. Yes, by all means include the pictures. Each one is worth a thousand words but don’t think for a moment that the flamboyancy of your pictures is the main attraction. Okay? (((Hugs)))