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2010Past Passing
As I was walking around town the other day, I’d take an interest from time to time in whether people noticed that I was not a genetic girl – was I passing?
Trying to be subtle, I could only guess, but I do believe some people “made” me, though no one said or did anything overt. It is possible it was entirely in my mind.
More interesting, however, was that I started to realize that seeing how well I passed was more of a sport than anything to me; I didn’t really care. 
I mean, to the extent that being read as trans causes danger, of course I would be happy to go unnoticed.
But in the larger context of my objectives, the unavoidable truth is that I would very much rather come off as attractive than authentic.
That is to say that I would hope that I’d get my share of people who would look at me and see an attractive creature. And, so much the better if they then think to themselves, “But is that a girl, or not?”
I take a certain amount of glee in the idea that I might shake a few people up inside, wondering why they were drawn to me and what that meant about themselves – guys and gals alike.
I have come to believe that we t-girls are a unique group with our own special beauty and sexuality. We do have the option to celebrate and revel in it, rather than desperately trying to hide it, y’know.
Perhaps that is worth remembering before we mess with our bodies’ chemistry through hormones, or our bodies’ structure through surgery, in an uphill battle to try to convince others, if not ourselves, that we are real women.
It is an often futile struggle to achieve a goal that exists only because we created it, and speaks directly against self-acceptance. Added to that, setting unachievable goals is a recipe for feeling always like a failure – so it’s self-destructive too.
All this is intensely personal, I know. But that’s my take. I’d love to hear other opinions.
Petra Bellejambes
For me, dear Janie, it is a big jumble of thoughts. I am enough of an amateur anthropologist to want to conduct perfect experiments, to pass unseen, or at least not be identified as something “different”. In this “unseen” state, we might for moments enjoy the privilege of sensing the world through the eyes and mind of the young woman within. This feeling is exhilarating.
But even if we are pretty enough to maintain the illusion convincingly that sort of invisibility does not challenge or change the boundaries around us. Be assured, I am not a firebrand revolutionary, but I am a cheeky lass. I do like to stare down conventions and see them blink. Guy in a dress does get the odd blink. Status quo always requires challenges. Our worlds relative lack of societal preparedness for gender variance is from my perspective, folly, and it needs to be tweaked.
So to me it is lovely and encouraging that you go out, presenting as you want to, doing what you feel like, eyes wide open, and smiling while you do it. You are changing beauty definitions each time you do. Some happy day in the future perhaps people will be able to say to each other things like “you are beautiful” without all the gender, orientation, desire complications thrown in.
That day is not going to happen without our help (and cheekiness) in the here and now. Keep up the beautiful work 🙂
Fondly as always… Petra
Cyrsti
God you are good!
Yes, we ought to rejoice in the fact we are truly unique exotic creatures!
Mary-Margret Callahan
I could not have said it any better, but that is how I feel too. You hit it on the money girl. It can be difficult to express your true feelings often because we are so confused about what they are. We are alike in many ways Janie. I am not looking to overhaul everything about myself. I want to improve my femme side, of course, its on going and never finished. I know that I will never go “all the way”. That ship is long gone. With the comprimise comes the delemmas. ie. “To pass or to just be admired?” Isn’t the greatest acheivement not fooling someone but rather them knowing you aren’t a genetic girl and thinking that you are attractive no matter what? and is it not more satisfying when you know that person had no previous predjudices to the subject?
The comment about “setting yourself up for disappointment” rang loud in my ears. I have ventured that path and had to retreat. You hear so much about the depression and suicides in our community that some lightbulbs should be going off everywhere.
Thank you again Janie for putting some of the confusion into sensible words.
XOXO
Mary-Margret
cdjanie
Mary, I am touched by your comment. Thanks so much for stopping by and adding your wisdom to this discussion. Hugs and Kisses to you, sweetie!
Cindy Elmwood
Yes, I have a lot of the same thoughts. I’ve started to go out in “public” dressed up occasionally… I say “public” because it’s usually a local casino late at night. Not that I’m even into gambling that much, but it’s a fun environment to sort-of try to pass. And I’ve found another tgirl friend to go there with, which has been wonderful.
It’s definitely a sport of sorts for us, I think of myself as somewhat passable, but I know I get made on occasion, and that’s fine. I’m happy to think of myself as a tgirl/tranny and not as a wannabe female.
cdjanie
Yes, Cindy, that’s the spirit. This is supposed to bring enjoyment, not despair, into our lives, right? (BTW, I had a look at your blog… you’re cute!) xo Janie