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2010Arguing Like a Girl
The other day, I found myself in the midst of an argument, trying to explain myself to the other person without any success whatsoever. I was driven almost to tears by my inability to get my point across. It was unbelievably frustrating to simply not be heard!
Of course I didn’t cry, because that’s not something I am wired to do as a guy (or perhaps I have disconnected the wires). Rather, my grip on femininity weakened and I reached for the man inside to set things straight. A louder, more authoritative voice and a more aggressive attitude do wonders for getting people to at least hear you.
But that cop-out made me feel quite awful – like I had betrayed my womanhood in some way.
Her Way or the Highway
In the laundry-list of things I knew I was getting into in becoming Janie, this one never occurred to me – the idea that I would have to completely change the way I handle conflict.
This is no small thing. I am finding that the way I deal with disputes goes to the core of my feminine authenticity.
If I can’t help but resort to my male side to help resolve arguments in my favor, it is my feeling that somewhere my womanhood is a lie.
Beyond the fluff of bouncy curls and sexy shoes, this is about relating, in a feminine way, to the world, when passion is involved or something important is at stake.
Logic is fine, but first they have to be listening
This has been an incredible education to understand what women go through even to get their opinions and feelings heard, nevermind considered or accepted.
Nevertheless, women win more than their fair share of arguments – and they do it without resort to the crude tools of the male. But, clearly, I cannot simply say the things I would say as a guy in a softer, higher tone. That just makes me a weaker guy, and is a sure prescription for exasperation.
I haven’t yet catalogued the many ways in which women control an argument, but I suspect that the essence of the exercise is not to force others to listen, but rather to make them actually want to.
I have seen these in action in my days as a guy, and confess to not having paid enough attention to the female’s subtle means. But I do recognize that two of the many ways to get a man’s attention in an argument are by sugar and by tears, and that women use both quite effectively.
Sugar is part of the repertoire that I expected to have to master when I started being Janie. The ability to be pretty and coquettish and lovable and such…
But tears are something entirely different.
The Crying Game
No tactic is more effective for conveying a woman’s frustration and determination than tears.
It’s not that the tears are fake, or necessarily used with intent or malice; nor are they a sign of weakness. Quite the contrary – they are an honest expression of emotion that tells a man how far he’s skated out onto thin ice.
For a girl with a guy inside, tears do not come naturally. There is an honest feminine connection with emotion that I am frankly a bit scared to try to patch together (or allow to coalesce) for fear of losing my masculine stoicism when I am a guy.
I am not sure this is something one can turn on and off.
But, this is certainly one place where a woman’s connection to conflict differs from the man’s – and it underscores a different way of engaging in interpersonal relations.
In other words, it is something I must be willing to accept as part of who I am in order to be an authentic woman – not so much to cry as to be involved in the conversation on a more emotional or internalized personal level, and to use indirect means as opposed to confrontation to influence conversation.
Andrea
Janie, this is so beautiful. I believe that your desire to become more empathetic and express emotion from a female point-of-view not not only gives you an advantage in conflict resolution but also encourages others to view you as a more finely-attuned, sensitive, and insightful person; both women and men will respect and love you more as a result—This sense of enlightenment—being able to see a situation from a male or female perspective, drawing from both of them or opting to make one subordinate to the other when necessary, is what makes a T-girl so very special! On that note, I had an odd thing happen to me over the weekend regarding the topic of male-female emotions/crying that I’d love to share with you sometime soon. Sweet Kisses, Your Andy
kate cazier
As a natal woman who occasionally reads tg-related blogs, this was the most interesting entry I have read for a long tiime. You have really identified a core “difference” that is often ignored by others in transition.
cdjanie
Kate, thanks for your kind words. And yes, well, it surprised the heck out of me too, as I mentioned in the post. I never even considered this “difference” until an actual argument produced that “Aha!” moment.
Lizzy Levitt
well, I hate it when I cry. I feel out of control, and angry, well because I cry more for anger and frustration than sadness. But then us older, less attractive women don’t get the attention when we cry that younger pretty women get, TS or GW
cdjanie
Lizzy, I think Joan is right when she says that crying doesn’t always help… anyone. I understand crying for anger and frustration and that’s where developing better and smarter and more effective communication skills can save a lot of tears. I’d love to have more insight into how women do it.
Joan Curtis
This is a very interesting post. Thank you! I loved the line that the essence is not to force others to listen but they listen because the WANT to! How insightful! Most women do listen better than men, but not all of us. In fact, I have to remind myself to listen. It doesn’t come as naturally as I’d like. In a conflict situation we are all making up stories in our head to defend ourselves. When we do that, we cannot listen.
In the Say It Just Right Model of communication, there’s the place where we must Invite the other person to talk. When that happens, we must listen. If we don’t we miss a great opportunity to come to some resolution. Resolving conflict means give and take. It means negotiate. To do that, we must hear the other side.
Thanks for a great post. As for crying, well, sometimes we just can’t help it. When things get emotional, those tears come, like it or not. But, they don’t always help when trying to resolve a conflict.
cdjanie
Joan, I am gratified that a pro such as you enjoyed my post. I can’t quarrel with anything you said; you’re very insightful. My words are just personal experience and perception, and this journey between the genders has really brought some surprising revelations. “Walk a mile in her shoes” and all that…
Cyrsti
Janie, once again a wonderful observation!
The problem with male anger is the desire to express it with violent actions or words.
No secret that it leads to abused women.
I learned to argue like a woman the hard way- the mental way. Get in the noggin and get to fighting!
Not optimal behavior. But real.
Most of the genetic women I know hate to cry publicly in an argument. They feel it is a weakness.
Do you see a blending of the genders in this arena?
More young females seem to be resorting to violence? I see teenage girls becoming less female. Sure they look it-until the mouth opens. Foul language, belching the whole deal what happened?
I don’t advocate women being a group of sissy girls, but I do advocate the female gender being a separate gender.
If I’m out with the guys so be it…not if I’m out with the girls who act like guys.
If we get into an argument, I hope I’m the first to cry! Just kidding! Lizzie I feel that tears on an older woman are apt to produce less of a reaction because the public expects us to “handle it”.
You are wonderful!
cdjanie
Thanks for your comment, Cyrsti.
I agree with you that men and women should be different, and there has been a significant amount of adoption of female behavior by men and male behavior by women. Some of it is good – such as women being able to take charge and men being more emotionally responsive, but in many respects I find that there is very little attractive about boorish women or effeminate men. I’d suggest that many women who were all for making men more touchy-feely, more sensual, more nurturing, have found that there are precious few men to which they are attracted.
It may seem absurd to the casual reader that a crossdresser, of all people, should be complaining when men adopt the behavior of women (and what’s good for the gander…), but that’s my feeling. However, that’s a subject for a full blog post – and I have written about it some in the past ( http://cdjanie.wordpress.com/2010/04/16/no-no-no/ ).
Finallly, I certainly don’t want to leave your assertion that male anger leads to abused women unchallenged; I continue to be surprised and disappointed by the number of women who have a man right there inside them who take unwarranted shots at men in that way. Men and women abuse each other in many ways, and it is not anger but a pathological misbehavior arising from an inability to cope properly with one’s anger that leads to abuse.