22
2010Inside and Out
I recently commented on another site regarding some of the issues involved in posting photos online, in my case first disguised by a wig and makeup, and then later without.
To re-quote the relevant parts of my comments:
Posting my first photos was as much liberating as it was scary, but I was wearing a wig and a lot of makeup, and I carefully disguised any background that might be familiar. Trouble was, there was also a part of me that looked at those photos and didn’t see myself either. In fact, I would scour the photos and eliminate those where I looked too much like myself.
This didn’t really sit well with the gurl inside, though.
Over time – not that long, actually – I have improved my physical appearance so that I look more feminine and don’t need a disguise. So, I dropped the wig, cut back on the makeup and can now feel that the photos have more truth in them, if you know what I mean.
I would add that one of the things that bothered me most about wearing a wig and tons of makeup was that I felt that not only was that girl not really me, but that I wasn’t really a girl at all – it was all put on. Trans skeptics may chortle at that cryptic statement, saying something to the effect of, “Duh!”, but to scoff is to betray ignorance.
That’s not to say that my appearance is what makes me a girl; it just adds coherence to my existence and makes me feel a lot better about myself. I am that girl and she is me. Inside and out.I am really female now. That’s me you see in my pictures. I’m smooth and soft and feminine. I look like a gal and I feel like one. Yes, I know there’s a guy in there too – I haven’t lost my mind. He gets to come out and play plenty. But when I’m Janie, I’m a girl; no reservations.
There are lots of t-girls who are unable to pass, either because they are, in a physical sense, undeniably men, or because life’s constraints prevent them from taking the necessary steps they’d love to take to feminize themselves. They are no less girls than I am, though I presume (possibly mistakenly) tha they are more conflicted due to the disconnect between their inner and outer selves.
Petra Bellejambes
Dear Janie – coherence is a powerful word, and one that I like. Much of what I attempt to do in discovering my whole self is to make the many parts work with each other, to not feel as though they are squabbling for primacy, or that any part is at odds with my nature.
I think that is the conflict you are referring to.
For me, most of the conflict is resolved internally. I do not mind all the physical, surface trickery required for me to get pretty. Quite like it in fact. And I don’t mind the bargain that entails that I spend most of my time in drab.
The joy, for me, comes from tapping into the feminine sensibilities that we all have, in some measure. The surface stuff, dressing etc, allows me to tap into it all much deeper. Each immersion into the dressing makes those sensibilities more available and more integral to my overall view of things.
That is where I get the coherence from. Thanks for prodding some thoughts out of my head on the topic. I am sure I have a blog post somewhere in it.
Have a splendid weekend!
xoxo – Petra
cdjanie
Since I have started doing this, I have been leading a double life; a masculine guy, at least attitude-wise if not more so, and a feminine girl, more and more, if I may say so. There is a rumor that I am really only one person, but Janie and “he” are such different people that I tend to recoil when I find myself acting like him. Coherence is a long way off for me as a whole, and maybe all the more elusive as I undermine that ideal by striving for coherence from each of my very different sides.