Apr
03
Today I found myself in a boutique shop that sells all manner of cocktail supplies. The only service person in the store was a young man – early twenties, I’d guess – very feminine, and actually quite beautiful.
My gender sensors identified him as a man, and that’s how I’ll refer to him, but I have no idea how he identifies or how he was born.
A few things struck me from our interactions. First is that, in writing this post, the inadequacy of language in this regard is quite obvious. Do I refer to this person as “him” or, if not, then what? Anything I choose is as likely to be as wrong as it is right, and I don’t see a way to write this post without gender-specific pronouns.
Second, not knowing his gender didn’t matter – at least not to me. I found him attractive and helpful and personable – and none of that need have a gender.
Third, I thought about the wonderful freedom he had – to be male or female or both or neither or something else entirely. Lucky him! He could change from day to day, or not, or he could change by the minute if he pleased. What a kaleidoscopic way to experience life and learn about yourself!
Once upon a time, I had a gift of sorts to be able to present and behave alternately as a masculine male or a feminine female, but my mindset had these compartmentalized and it was a determined effort. Also, it turned out that one side was real and the other a relic. Here, it is much more organic, and the change I saw in him from being very feminine one moment, to affecting a male presence the next is what prompted me to these thoughts.
Last, this privilege he has, well, it is a gift of youth. It won’t last long. Sure, he gets to experiment and try every possibility out if he wants to, but eventually he will grow into something less flexible – at least physically. Will he pine for the days he was a chameleon of sorts, or will he grow comfortably into whatever identity most suits him?
Like everything else, it seems, that will be up to him.
Jul
22
Yesterday, I was asked why I would feel inclined to try the boy thing again after having moved so far away from it over the past few years.
An interesting and instructive question at that. So, here is how I answered the question, more or less:
It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed recently right here on my blog. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.
No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life, though she is not a dominant personality at all. The majority of my time has been spent as female for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.
I need a better understanding of where Janie came from, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.
In that regard, take note of a little inner conversation I had this morning when I got up after not nearly enough sleep.
Read More»
Recent Comments