03
2012Skin Deep
I am pretty hard on myself. But sometimes, the judgments I pass on myself have implications for my understanding of being a tgirl generally.
I sometimes see masculinity in myself in place of my femininity, and I recoil. I know I can fix it through an adjustment of clothing, makeup, hairstyle or attitude, and everything will be ok.
But, what if I couldn’t?
What if I simply weren’t at all feminine? Or, too large to have any chance of disguising my manly frame? Or I had a job, or wife or kids that did not allow me the liberty of taking the steps I can?
I mean, the feminine feelings I have do not depend for their existence on outward, skin deep beauty.
Ah, but the experience I will have out in the world does…
…and I would think that I would be reduced to hanging out at home, or at best, with other like-minded gurls.
How do you all feel about the impact your feminine appearance has on your self-esteem and your ability to enjoy your feminine life?
Petra Bellejambes
I sometimes feel, darling Janie, that you are following me from in front. You did it again here with this post. Before I begin though, love your new home here, Janie, and wish you much success with everything.
” … The feelings do not depend on outward beauty, but the experience does….
I take immense, borderline vanity disorder delight from just how different I can look, and just how (by many standards) appealing or attractive my feminine form is. Completely unearned dividends for the most part … I am slender, my hands do not give me away, my feet are small. These things make it a relative doddle to go out in the world and learn how to better cultivate experience. And none of those things are virtues I can take credit for.
I have friends and acquaintances taller, broader, heftier or hairier, darling people with kids underfoot and neighbors too close who still find the way to present, to get out come hell or high water. They reinforce for me that the experience is just as valid, just a life affirming, just as necessary and just as deserved regardless of where we sit (or are placed) on some standardized beauty continuum.
What I would trade my skinny ankles for? Hmmm …. I think I would trade them for a world where my embrace of the feminine side, of my whole self was not made easier just because I have nice legs…
You provocative girl you, I love what you write 🙂
xoxo – Petra