04
2013Gender Identity – Tempting Fate
I followed up my performance at that last party by wearing the same teal green booties with white pants and a women’s casual top (and even a bit of mascara) to a dinner party with some of the same friends.
Again nothing.
At one point in the evening, we were discussing some celebrities, and one of the women mentioned that she didn’t like the way Brad Pitt looked with long hair. Too greasy, too droopy, no body – just didn’t look right.
“Maybe they thought that if they gave his hair more body, he’d look too feminine,” I piped in helpfully.
“Nah,” she said, and then offered by way of example, “Look, your hair doesn’t make you look feminine.”
So there you have it. Wilfully blind? Completely out to lunch? Or what?
I’ve been tempting fate lately and yet it seems I pretty much have carte blanche to do what I want, and no one either cares nor notices my attempts to mess with perceptions of my gender identity.
Ashley
There will come a tipping point tho. Whether it is your appearance, mannerisms or speech, sooner or later someone will bust you.
Are you ready?
shannon
Great question, Ashley. I totally agree. Janie, if you are “pushing the envelope” to see the response, how far you can go, I hope you have your defense ready for when that bubble bursts. I think it’s about to happen soon .
Andie
I remember my phase of pushing the envelope, and the experience was much the same. Maybe the odd question about the nail varnish, but acceptance, even of my explanation to a few of being transgender. Yes, you do have carte blanche, but Ashley is right. Are you ready? People see what they think they see, and the same person in another situation will see feminine hair. Once there are enough clues, the cogs turn and the hands point in one direction. You’re clocked. But isn’t this what we secretly want? That you will be asked directly so you can be very honest? I know that was true for me.
Suzi
Agree with Ashley, Shannon and Andie – only a matter of time for people to see you as female. People who have known you will be the last because they know the boy you and filter what they see through that image. Strangers will be the first to pop because they don’t have any baseline that says “boy.” I think you are longing for the day so you can start popping HRT and go further :).
Janie
There is absolutely a not-so-secret yearning to be able to just be as I please without having to put on airs.
Also, within the crowd that I experimented on, I really don’t worry too much about the light going on in someone’s head.
That said, I am rethinking my actions and wondering what purpose is to be served by inserting my female self into social circles where my male self belongs. I mean, even if they totally knew about Janie, why should I be that way with them when I have a perfectly good male side that they know and like?
Suzi
Because you really want them and the world to recognize you as a women. No one plays with the gender divide unless it is a true barrier to who they really are.