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2011Faux Transition
The “ Pretty Man ” experience set me thinking more and more about the idea.
If it proves possible to give voice to my feminine side without being a woman, then all the inner conflicts about whether I am two-gendered, or which gender I truly am melt away; the stigma of being trans, and the fear of discovery disappear. I go back to being one person, with one name, one wardrobe and no secrets.
The first sign of trouble, though, came the other night when I went out with friends, dressed in a tight-fitting mock turtleneck, narrow pants and somewhat feminine flats – all black.
I arrived and took a seat, feeling all pleased with myself, and quite feminine. But it wasn’t long before I was acting my normal male way, and by the time it was time to go home, I started to think that I might have embarrassed myself by going out that way.
Visualizing the way it might work
In the comfort of my home, I tried to visualize what a real night out as a “pretty man” might be like, how I would socialize; how I would deal with romantic advances, and so on.
It wasn’t easy, but it ended up being a useful exercise. I realized that in order for the visualization to work, I had to feel and behave in a very feminine way, and suppress my usual masculine tendencies.
More profoundly, I noticed that everything was ok as long as I kept my feminine mindset; however, if I allowed my focus to drift to my guy side, the whole concept was quite unacceptable.
Transition still required
As a result, I understood that I would need to adjust my concept of masculinity throughout my life.
Without this evolution, I would always feel conflicted. Having a part of me that couldn’t get on board with the kind of man I was often being is no recipe for inner peace… especially when that part of me is familiar and natural to me and could emerge without warning as it did towards the end of my night this past week.
I am not saying this is impossible to handle, but it is an uphill climb. In point of fact, going this route is tantamount to a kind of transition.
All my relationships would change. Friends would find a different kind of guy than the one with whom they could previously relate. My family would find their brother/son/uncle to be a very different person.
And, GF… well, let’s just say that she would never have dated me if I had been the guy I am contemplating here.
Isn’t it all just being a woman anyway?
All-in-all, the whole things seems decidedly less desirable than what I am doing now. But, personal growth – especially that which requires a healthy dose of courage – can be daunting.
Or, maybe it just isn’t for me. Maybe I just love being a man sometimes and a woman others; maybe I just love being a special kind of woman.
AshleyP
Lots to digest…
When you went out in you’re all black outfit you attempted to blend your gender expression. The “binary” is strong so you end up being pulled to one end. Blending genders isn’t easy to do. Almsot impossible. Everyone wants a person to be one or the other; society expects it. Which is why trans people get so much flak (one reason anyway). So YOU need visual clues to reinforce your gender just as much as people need visual clues as to what gender you are. So your experiment as a “pretty man” didn’t quite work as there was no reinforcement of gender to you and to your friends.
The real issue is who or what do YOU want to be to you want to be masculine or feminine? You can fence sit for awhile and you can even do a middle path (bouncing from one to another) but it is real hard to do a middle path ALL the time AND get everyone else to accept the results.
It’s not that you HAVE to choose or that even you should choose, but someone will choose for you if you don’t. Thats just the way it works. The question that you need to ask is if I had to choose which do I want? It isn’t easy or obvious. I think I know which one you LIKE to be more, but that’s only my opinion. The one that counts is yours and no one else’s.
cdjanie
Ashley,
Always insightful. I can already see that doing both genders at the same time is not going to work; I remain mostly unconvinced that I can’t change back and forth, but you may be right there too.
AshleyP
YOU can change back and forth; getting ohers to buy into it is difficult. They want one or the other. Most will accept a transition (well, maybe not your GF) but most won’t accept “Yesterday I was a girl, today I’m a guy, tomorrow is up for grabs.” Especially those you don’t have a deep relationship with you.
cdjanie
Yes, you are right Ashley. I said as much in my response to Cyrsti. Thanks.
Cyrsti
Wow, Janie you certainly come up with some very different ideas and “experiments” that this poor backward Midwestern girl has a hard time understanding!
I can understand if you were attempting a “soft transition with your friends. (A pretty man first and a pretty girl next) or were you?
I suppose you could get caught easily in that situation trying to “out macho” the clothes meaning as a guy you felt uneasy about your appearance with friends and tried to over compensate?
I agree with Asley that “gender blending” is sooo hard to do.
I also agree (unless your pictures are really lying) you know deep down which path you need to take.
But what the heck! Life is fun if you can partake of each gender as you wish!
cdjanie
Cyrsti, partaking of each gender as I wish has been quite nice, I must say. That’s why I keep trying to do it.
Ashley may yet turn out to be right that I may have to choose, but for now, I run 2 separate lives with separate circles of friends. So, no, I am not doing a soft transition, as you call it.
shantown
I don’t know for sure, but it seems that, for your “pretty man” experiment to work, and have any chance of acceptance….at first at least…..you might need to go more “masculine”, or “manly” in your clothing choice. As I said before, you still look all girl to me…which is not a bad thing. Problem is, if “all girl” is not really your goal, both for how you look, and how people relate to you, there has to be more male in the look. IMHO (which of course doesn’t mean much) friends and others probably saw you as a guy in girl’s clothes, and either were confused by it….or may have even thought, ‘see, I told ya”..
Maybe try again, with a little different approach…more overtly male attire with a hint of makeup, etc…whatever feminine details you feel safe adding… if any. Bottom line to me, your gorgeous hair screams female, regardless of what you’re wearing. Maybe next time pull it backand try to keep it from looking so feminine…cause it sure does, gf. Plenty of guys walk around with ponytails.
Like the others, I think I know which you both like more, and are more comfortable with. Unfortunately, it’s the path with the most resistance and risk. Know that we’re all wandering on the pathe somewhere…
cdjanie
Thanks, Shannon. I actually don’t think I look as feminine as you give me credit for, and those are all men’s clothes I am wearing (interestingly, except for the shoes). But, I have serious doubts about this particular path anyway. Being a girl is so much more fun. And, I am certainly not ready to “come out” to my old friends.
shantown
You made an interesting comment in the original post……
” I started to think that I might have embarrassed myself by going out that way.”
I think, maybe, that embarrassment comes from within. Did you feel embarrassed while you were there, or were you comfortable with yourself? Just wonderin……..I think we’re all bad about letting others push embarrassment on us, simply because we don’t meet their expectations. Could that embarrassment come because we suddenly feel bad about not meeting those expectations? If we do feel that way, then what does that tell us? Others may not agree with, or like, our “oresentation”. Happens all the time. Seems we would only be embarrassed if we, for some reason, agree with their evaluation. If we do, is that being true to ourselves? Again, just wonderin……
cdjanie
You’re right, of course, Shannon. The embarrassment I was speaking of was in betraying the standard of masculinity that I have always expected of my male self, and doing so in front of people who might not forgive and forget as easily as I would for myself.
Thay Singh
DO you know any really butch, girls? You might find some other ways to blend the feminine with the masculine in their example. Just saying…
cdjanie
Well, that would be a stretch! A guy, turning his world upside down to become feminine, and then butching it up… Thinking on it, it does have some logic after all, but acting masculine in feminine form, for a tgirl, would have to come off simply as unsuccessful transformation, don’t you think?
Fiona Alexis
This is a very thought provoking article and I think I agree with your conclusion though I’m not sure I love being a man at any time. Well perhaps a father. Your view is certainly a more positive. I wrote a piece called ‘unsatisfactory solutions’ years ago where basically I concluded that transitioning would not have solved my dilemma. I really wanted to be born again.
But I’d say being part time is a less challenging route and I was never very brave. Fiona xx
cdjanie
Feh! You are plenty brave my dear. You have followed your heart, you are out there doing things, meeting people and making friends and doing what makes you feel true to yourself. Give yourself the credit you deserve.
Petra Bellejambes
Great commentary here on a another fine seam of investigation dear Janie.
For me, I believe there are virtues that you have in abundance that are perhaps not best expressed from the pretty man middle. There is strength and grace that Janie has that deserves the light of day. There is chivalry and ease that you can (and do no doubt) express in … (searching for correct word, searching for …le mot juste!,,,,cannot find it) non-pretty man mode, that warms up rooms too.
Yes, crossing frontiers, having your visa stamped back and forth is a chore, is disorienting, is time consuming … but to have the larger privilege of being able to express the gorgeous and distinct aspects that are, to some degree, the unique province of one gender, perhaps that is worth the overhead. It might not be worth what I perceive your feelings of periodic falsity to be, but surely it is worth much.
But my word, how admirable that you are giving this a go, shaking yourself up, shaking up everything around you… Go Janie Go!
Admiringly yours,
cdjanie
Thanks, Petra. As always you are both generous and wise.
I am trying to shake things up a bit – not sure where all the pieces will end up, once the tremors subside.