Why do I do this gender thing? This is a big question for me.

Many people have a ready answer, “I was born this way.” I am not sure I believe that about myself, and even if it is so, there is not enough there to stop and put the pen down.

I have noted the number of issues in my life that being Janie has addressed. She has added excitement and motivation to my life, she has increased my self-esteem, she has helped me break some debilitating patterns – and there is lots more I expect to come.

But, I have struggled with the idea that instead of this craziness, of dressing like a woman and having to deal with the doubts I have, the social risks, and other attendant lifestyle risks, that I should just “man up” and get help if necessary, but solve my problems in the “normal” way, through personal growth, and addressing the real concerns instead of doing an end-around.

Still I keep wondering why, of all things, I would choose gender change as a solution to these disparate problems, if indeed I chose it at all, or if I chose it as a solution to anything as opposed to for its own sake.

Or, maybe I have it backwards; perhaps its absence from my life was the root cause of all those problems in the first place? Perhaps I built my life in the flawed way that I did because I didn’t realize my true nature?

Thing is that whatever the case, I have to move forward. It is a bit late in life to rebuild everything from scratch.

And, it is impossible to know in advance the answers to the questions I have posed here. I have thought and thought about these and other issues, and the only way to find answers is to try something and see.