26
2011Darling, I Done Wrong By You
I woke up this morning in a pretty bad mood, and spent some time trying to unravel it.
The night before, GF got a bit upset at me for wasting my time on Chat on the computer. As much as she tried to couch it in terms of trying to help me avoid the regret of wasting time while there were so many things I needed to get done, I sensed a certain frustration of her own.
By morning, it seems I had inferred, rightly or wrongly, that my Janie-time was undermining my proper role as my GF’s mate. What was causing me my fitful mood was guilt… mainly, guilt that in becoming Janie, and spending as much time as I can as a girl, I was depriving my sweetie of the man with whom she expected to spend the rest of her life.
She’d been sitting on the couch watching a program about the macho culture in sports, when I came over and snuggled with her (dressed in a Lululemon exercise tank, pink-flowered leggings, cute white running shoes and a girly sweater, mind you).
I kissed her gently on the cheek and hugged her. I snuggled in close with a soulful look on my face.
“I’ve just been watching this show about how hard it is for gays in sports and how liberating it is for them when they can finally come out and admit who and what they really are. It is like a weight lifted off their shoulders.”
She was actually apologizing to me for fighting my efforts to be more out in the open as Janie… that she understood how difficult it must be for me not to be able to live openly as who I really am.
I was thinking exactly the opposite – that I owed her an apology. I told her she was an angel and the idea that she should apologize to me was just crazy.
She has accommodated me at every turn; she has accepted Janie as a friend, and even as a lover. And she has allowed me the freedom to explore my sexuality.
In return, she was seeing less and less of the guy with whom she fell in love, the person she really wants to be with, her understanding and accommodation notwithstanding.
That’s just not fair of me, and I feel guilty as hell about it.
My long, feminine hair, and my hairless feminine body have permanently deprived her of a measure of masculinity she’d like to have back in her life. I suspect she may have some regrets that she allowed me to do those things.
But I can hardly come off as a girl without them…
Then, there’s the fact that I have demands on my time that require me to be a guy, and when those pass, I rush to embrace my Janie time.
That means she gets to see very little of “him.”
Interestingly, if I were out, and could be Janie all the time, she’d probably get more guy time since it wouldn’t be wasted on the others.
But I am going to have to find a way to be her man more often, because I know she misses him, even if she is loathe to admit it to me.
Stacy
Janie –
The balance is the hardest part, isn’t it? (Well, the “smokey eyes” look is a real pain in the ass to get just right, too, but balance – that’s the big trick)
Here’s my ‘Stacy-take’ on what you’ve just described:
The two of you are talking to each other, communicating about a very difficult and complicated set of circumstances – and doing so in a positive and loving manner… You have the hard part NAILED. The rest is just details and compromise.
Us gurls spend a lot of time thinking about how difficult it is to be dual-natured in a binary society – we get cranky when we don’t get enough pretty-time, a lot of us spend a lot of energy searching for answers, and we are constantly measuring ourselves against ‘yardsticks’ that most people never even think about.
“Do I look like I want to today?” “Do I look like I’m SUPPOSED TO today?” “Does this make my butt look big?” (sadly, usually the answer to that one for me is “no”. admittedly, I am NOT curvy. I’d like ANYTHING to make my butt look big..)
I’m sure it’s no picnic for the loves of our lives to watch that – but they DO.
When we’re LUCKY, they DO. They help, they care, they try to understand and they LOVE. How lucky are we?
Like I said – if you’re communicating about it in a positive way – you have it all.
You have the ability to be you, hopefully a very cute shoe collection, and someone you can share your unique state of being with.
My wife and I ride the same see-saw, too.
She would never want to stand in the way of me being me – and I never want to feel as if I’ve taken away something valuable to her. Through lots of communication, we’ve made a lot of compromises. We each know what the other is gaining and sacrificing because we make sure we talk about it. Thee see-saw jerks from time to time and sometimes we have to stop and get back in sync – but we both, above all else, want to make sure that no-one falls off. We both feel angst, we both get frustrated – but we both feel so lucky to be together.
I’m free to be me to whatever degree I choose, she’s free (and encouraged) to talk to whoever she wants to about me – and she has one very important tool at her disposal; she doesn’t control ‘Stacy time’ – but she has carte-blanc to ask for (and get) ‘just Steve’ whenever she wants. We agreed on her being able to simply ask, or – if she’s feeling bad about asking – she can leave me a couple of pre-arranged clues that she wants a regular day with the guy-side of me.
Not a sock on the door-knob – but that’s the idea. I get a very visual clue that “today is a day I need just Steve” and I ‘man-up’, sweat a little, scratch myself, perform some minor household repairs, grumble about politics and football – and tell her how beautiful she is. It really IS all about her for me every day anyway – but when she needs just Steve I know what she really needs is for us to be different from one another for a while. When I change my persona – I affect hers, too. Can’t lose sight of that, ever. She sometimes needs me to be just her man – so she can be just her. I’m happy to comply in a second – as making her feel happy is as important to me as me being happy is to her.
Compromise, balance, communication.
Love your blog, hugs to you.
Keep doing what you’re doing, keep taking care of your GF – she’s a keeper.
Stac
cdjanie
Stacy, your comment is a wonderful testament to how to be in a relationship – give and take and putting the other person above all else. When two people do this for each other, it is a beautiful thing to behold.
Stacy
Follow-up to my post a few minutes ago:
Yes, I am VERY long winded. I never really shut up.
🙂
cdjanie
Yes, well, as a blogger, I suppose I am much the same, sweetie.
klyde
Great post. It must be a delicate act trying to balance guy time and Janie time. Your GF sounds like a peach of a lady.
cdjanie
She is, Klyde, and I thank my lucky stars for her. (I love peaches too 😛 )
Linda Marie Daniels
I really like this story. This is the kind of scenario that could go terribly wrong for many couples, but you treated her each other with love and respect and a determination to be more understanding of the others’ needs.
I admire you both for trying to understand and provide for your partner’s needs. Your partner, for being so loving and supportive of Janie and you for realizing that as much as she enjoys having Janie in her life, she also wants and needs you to be her guy sometimes.
cdjanie
Thanks, Linda. It’s a balancing act, and we take it day by day, always with the best of intentions toward each other. Hopefully, we’ll continue to succeed, but I’m not taking anything for granted.