02
2012Backsliding
Due to circumstances in my life, I have found it necessary to do something or other with people who do not know of my feminine persona pretty much every day for the past little while.
I have found myself getting up in the morning and wondering what the heck to put on. I would be thinking, “I know I will have to be a guy in a couple of hours, so should I wear feminine clothes and then change… or should I just not bother?” Makeup? An even bigger hassle.
Today, I had an appointment at the dentist in the afternoon, but figured I would have a feminine day until then. But, a construction crew showed up outside my home in the morning, and I wanted to go out and talk with them, so…
It has been like this day after day.
The person I usually am has been relegated to an inconvenience, and the few moments I get are spent cooped up inside.
This is not at all the way I want things to be.
And, I can tell you that after a while of this, it starts to feel ever more daunting to go out into the world as female, having to deal with the hassles of getting out of the neighborhood unseen and so on.
All the old bugaboos start coming back.
I am hoping this is just an aberration that will pass.
cyrsti
Unfortunately, the “bug a boo” bugs us all gf.
I feel your pain.
It seems we are stuck between the rock and the “soft place” with our feminity.
On the other hand, it’s situations that you are facing that give you the opportunity to experience the “real world” female life that essentially separates the CD’s from the Trans peeps.
Andie Davidson
I remember days like that. Then I was asking why it was my problem if I took a delivery in a skirt and no makeup, or kept the nail varnish on when I reverted to male mode. Gradually I realised it didn’t need to be a problem to me at all. Why be afraid for being different? I always shall be, like it or not. But this is not an aberration or a defect. If you ask me now “what am I?” I am still far more certain what I am not than what I am. But now I have enough rock solid confidence in simply being myself that I really don’t care about other people’s uncertainties about me. So now I present entirely as female, I wait for the availability of NHS interventions, and some people still instinctively will say “he”. I just say “me” and am free to be who I am, largely because I have total confidence in doing so.
cdjanie
I admire your self-confidence Andie. For me, it is not so much caring about other people’s uncertainties about me; it is that I am one of those people. But that is a topic for another day. Fact is that we do not live in a vacuum; we have to live among people. To put oneself out there as “different” has certain practical consequences, like it or not. Those of us who have a choice have to decide what philosophical approach will result in the best outcome in our lives. In that, however, I am mindful of the epigram, “A coward dies a thousand deaths; a hero dies but once.”
Ashley
Janie:
You said:
The person I usually am has been relegated to an inconvenience, and the few moments I get are spent cooped up inside.
This is not at all the way I want things to be.”
Why let it be that way? Your femme side is a part of you and from what you say it is a big part. It seems you’re ashamed of it. Don’t be. If you don’t hide it becomes easier. Let Janie out of her coop.
cdjanie
I don’t think anything I have ever done can be interpreted to imply that I am ashamed of being Janie – perhaps unsure, but never ashamed. But, your advice disregards external, practical considerations. There is a balance to be achieved.
shantown
Welcome back to the jungle. Sounds like the outside world is infringing on your personal space….and you’ve come to that critical point we all know we must face….DECISION TIME!! Is my femme self important enough to me, my true nature, that I want her to “branch out”, “spread her wings”, and say “here I am world…this is me”. No more fear of discovery because I want to be discovered. Only one life for me…green acres I am there!
Or do I decide to continue with two lives, and all of the frustrations and inconveniences contained therein? Am I ready, or not, to bring my two worlds together into
one? Do I want to, or need to, keep them separate? Are the inconveniences still a better option than possible ramifications of totally “coming out”?
Only you can answer and decide. Personally, I tend to hate those kind of questions…the ones I HAVE TO answer myself. It’s a lot easier to let somebody else answer for us..tell us what we should do. Those I can handle .
Ashley
Picking up on Shantown; at some point it becomes more trouble to be closeted than out even with consequences. Too many stories to keep straight, who was told this, who was told that, how much does this person know vs that. It becomes very time consuming and it also drains your personal energy.
It’s far easier to be “out” than “in” as you don’t have to concoct stories or excuses. If the person you tell has an issue it is THEIR issue. You’re just being yourself.
And you also control the information better.
cdjanie
What you say, Shannon, makes a lot of sense. And the answer for me at this moment is that the inconveniences are still a better option. But, of course, the balance shifts as time goes by and things develop.
Ashley, my “secret” is very simple; there are no stories to keep straight or any of the things you listed, though I dare say others do face this issue. There is a solid line dividing my male life from the female, and I have no trouble remembering who is on which side of the line. That said, I don’t think there can be any disputing the drain on my personal energy even so.