09
2011Playing at Being a Boy
I’m a baaad girl sometimes.
Not in any nefarious sense, but I do like to play with people’s minds sometimes, even if it ends up that it is only playing with my own.
I spoke recently (here) about having to remember which gender I am at any given time, but sometimes I do remember quite well that I’m supposed to be a guy, but yet throw in some feminine gender cues on purpose just to see what reaction there might be.
I don’t know if it is just passive-aggressiveness, a secret desire to be discovered and end this double life, or just the mischievous person I have always been, looking for just a little bit of trouble…
I will sometimes answer the phone in Janie’s voice, and “clear my throat” and correct it only when the person on the other end expresses confusion as to whether they have reached the right number.
In video calls online, I’ll change my facial expressions and tone of voice and even hand gestures to my feminine ones and carefully watch the other person’s expression. FYI, my (extremely perceptive) sister has never registered anything at all (or at least never let on) – nothing! (Dammit!)
GF is getting worried that I am truly taking too many chances – going out more often, going out during the day, doing these things I described above, etc. She is worried that I am trying to out us both.
I am not.
I am fully aware of the dire consequences that may befall us if I am ever discovered. But, quite unlike my feelings when I started this – when that fear dominated my decision-making – I’ve become convinced that discovery is a much more remote possibility than I first thought, and that going out is much more important to me than it was at first.
I have come to believe that no one is going to think I am a tgirl on the basis of a glimpse of me in a dress, no matter how much she looks like the guy they know; it just doesn’t register as a possibility to most people. I would have to be caught dead-to-rights to be truly outed. As long as I keep walking and don’t answer to my male name, the worst that’s going to happen is some wondering on their part, as in: “Is it possible? Naah!”
Love to know other people’s feelings on this. Am I being reckless?
Cyrsti
Have you considered you are just pushing your self down the path of who you REALLY are?
Certainly GF has considered it?
Seems like your days of “playing boy” are coming to an end?
cdjanie
Ok, Cyrsti, now you’re the second person in two days to say something like that! I really don’t think so, and certainly don’t feel that way at the moment, but these days I’m never quite sure of anything. xo
Andrea
Awww, you know me, Janie…if I could have it my way…in a perfect world, you’d be anything fun you’d like to be at any moment…you could morph from guy to girl upon whim and when the moment suits you, toy and tease playfully with people’s concept of your gender…And, yes, I think the odds of you being “outed” are very, very slim. If you were to be outed though, I’d hope that the person who discovered you as a female would be even more delighted by you and want to explore that side of you as much as I do. Discretion is great in certain settings but man, I mean woman, it’s my opinion that we, as a culture need to just play, have more fun, and continue to relax gender roles/boundaries…It’s so neat to see how your comfort level with expressing your female side has evolved so naturally over time! Thank you immensely for sharing more of yourself with me and others! Good day for now, love xxoo
cdjanie
Thanks Andy. We do always assume that if we are discovered it would be a disaster; it is only in romance novels where it works out the other way. But we can hope, right?
Linda Marie Daniels
Janie,
It does seem like you’re taking some extra chances lately. I’m guessing that part of it is your realization that the odds of getting “caught” are fairly slim and it really is fun to be out and express a part of yourself that you can’t always fully express. People are usually so wrapped up in what’s happening to themselves that they take a very cursory glance at other people when making judgment about them. You also seem to enjoy having fun with your ability to go back and forth between genders and play with peoples’ expectations, just a bit.
I’ve sometimes thought that when I took extra chances, it was just that I grew so tired of the hiding. I am not passable but there have been times I’ve been out during the day when I know I was “clocked” but it was ok. For one thing, I made sure I was far away from my usual area. Even if people knew I wasn’t a genetic woman, I dressed well enough that people probably knew that I wasn’t trying to make a scene (which is probably what people are more worried about than almost anything).
Interesting that you mentioned the possibility of this being a kind of passive aggressiveness. At some level, I know I feel anger at society for not letting me be who I want to be. OK, I understand that society isn’t really preventing me, it’s me and the roadblocks I see and put up for myself, but it’s always easier to blame someone else so why not blame society? Back to my “anger at society” – I think that’s part of why occasionally I take a chance I shouldn’t take (at least in retrospect) – the just being tired of the secrecy.
I love reading your blog. You’re smart and witty (and darn cute, too 🙂 ). I love reading about your adventures. I get a vicarious thrill out of your doing the things I’d like to do but can’t (or won’t). Having said that, it does sound like you’re pushing the envelope a bit. That may be fine but it’s probably good to think a bit about why you’re doing this and if in the long term it’s what you want to do.
All the best.
Linda
cdjanie
Thanks Linda – such nice things 😀 There is a fatigue factor when it comes to the secrecy – not sure exactly why, but I think it is just emotionally stressful and a bit of a hit to one’s self-esteem. I think in many ways we tend to overestimate the risks of going out and underestimate the damage caused by the hiding. But we each have to find our own proper balance. xo Janie
TinaCortina
Hi Janie
Happy New Year! Hope you have a good one.
I guess the important thing is how you feel. No-one is going to believe you are a ‘man in a dress’ if you believe it iie that you are not, yourself. In the last 12 months you have moved on a huge amount. I am pleased your GF is still behind you. You need to listen to her as also to how you feel. Tread carefully but enjoy. Health & happiness.
Hugs
Tina xx
TinaCortina
http://tinacortina.wordpress.com/
cdjanie
Happy New Year to you too, Tina. Thanks for your sage advice. xo Janie
Cathy Arnold
I too went through this a few years ago, and guess what the only ones who do clue in, are the people who knew you were that way all along.
trish1700
Woe, some really good comments. Let me start by saying I wish ”gender’ did not have to get in the way all the time. I never thought that male or female had any part in this. I just know how I like to dress and look. I feel much more “me” wearing makeup, always have. When I look at you I see a very attractive and happy person.
My two concerns are not to involve my children in all this and not to do anything that would hurt my ability to earn a living for my family. I have been a good ‘son’, son-in-law, husband, father, etc. so if the worst people can say about me is that I enjoy being Trish DuBois mow and then and find fun being the “girl friend” for admiring men, then I have done a pretty good job as a person. Poorly writtne, but you get the idea, why is it reckless just being you???
cdjanie
Trish, you’ve pretty much answered your own question. It’s the consequences that make actions reckless. Getting fired from one’s job, losing an entire social circle… You don’t have to be doing anything “bad” to attract bad consequences. That you can stand at the gates of heaven, or even in front of your own mirror and say you were/are a good person is hugely important, but it won’t pay the bills or mend certain important relationships. We must all find the right balance between being true to ourselves and living in the world that is, as distinguished from the world that could be.