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2012Girl Power
Last night, I went out to a club and had a great time.
It was nice to be out, meeting new people, flirting, laughing, dancing…
Coming as it did on the (high) heels of having spent the better part of the day out and about, it seems to have obliterated all the angst of feeling my feminine self being put upon by the practicalities of everyday life.
It’s like, “Oh, yeah! So that’s what I love about my life as Janie!”
It is a bit surprising that on some level, I can actually forget. I feel like I am missing something (see Backsliding), but that’s mixed with a bit of a search for what exactly that something is, and then an “Is it all worth it?”
I have to remind myself that my experiences as a woman have had a surreptitiously profound effect on my spirit – something I discovered a while back but seem sometimes to put out of mind.
I may be taking for granted the way I am motivated as Janie to try new things, to meet new people, to break old patterns, to solve chronic problems. I didn’t arrange things that way on purpose, but it does seem to work that way.
So, while I may focus on the fun I have been missing, the truth is that my soul bridles at being separated from these positive influences that I haven’t been able to conjure up in my male life.
And, when I start asking myself after a period of disconnect whether it is worth the stress and inconvenience to continue, it is only because I have forgotten to consider these substantial subconscious supplementary benefits.
Andie Davidson
It’s interesting to consider where the need to be male fits in. For whose convenience? I spent too long thinking I could meet other people’s needs for me to be male, when I should have accepted that to do what comes naturally is what life is all about. Why should other people make me live in a gender mode that is unfulfilling? Well, they don’t, but we let them! So why disconnect from part of yourself at all? Being yourself must surely carry the greatest benefits.
cdjanie
Being myself – that’s the question, isn’t it, Andie? I have been told by the people closest to me that I am a pretty great guy, and truth be told, sometimes I love that role. I have endured plenty as a male that Janie is unencumbered by, and to some extent she is simply a fresh start, but this allows me to find ways forward as a woman that I could not as a man. That doesn’t mean I am not a guy, or not partly a guy. It just means that being a woman has worked for me.
Mary-Margret Callahan
I think the majority of us have the same motivations. Our male lives are often mundane, routine, practical and possibly boring. Our femenine side is our spice. It gives us all those things that we crave but can’t have otherwise. Hugs and Kisses Janie.
Mary-Margret
cdjanie
Well, actually, Mary, I have tried to get away from that mindset. As I wrote in a previous post (where everyone accused me of transitioning) I want my female life to be complete, with work and play and everything – just like my male side, but different. I don’t think I will be satsified with Janie just being my fun – but I haven’t closed the book on this; as usual you have given me something to think about. xoxo 😉
Ashley
Since you find being Janie so rewarding, it is all the more reasons to come out or even transition. People are a lot more accepting of TS and TG individuals now. There really are few downsides. Less downsides than staying in the closet.
cdjanie
I know you don’t believe me, but none of this is a sure thing for me yet. I need to be sure of what I want before I commit to any course of action.
Ashley
Rightly so. Transition is, essentially, a one way trip. So you have to be sure, that’s why the therapy and the purpose of the RLT. I’m not saying tranistion is RIGHT for you. But Janie, for better or for worse, seems to be an important part of your life. What is far more damaging than any rejection from your friends, family and business relationships on your male side is the hiding. It damages your psyche and re-inforces the misconception that what you’re doing is wrong. It isn’t wrong to be yourself.
cdjanie
Thanks for the positive reinforcement Ashley. I do know that,, so I guess the trick is to find out exactly what being myself means. In any event, it is the internal critic more than anything extenal that is the bane of my feminine existence.
shantown
Great conversation going on here. Indeed, there is a HUGE difference between having fun and “spice” (great word) in the female role, and being a woman. We all know that life is not all fun and spice. Maybe very little for some. It’s the critical dividing line for all of us as we try to discover who we really are inside. Am I awomam who is comfortable and complete in all aspects of that life, or is “dressing up” fun to do, and I want to have fun. I’d think this is the core of the RLT.
cdjanie
yes and no. In a sense, i may accept that I am not a woman, but rather both male and female. that tends to invite a different kind of feminine being than a person who is only female. as i have opined before, it is common for a tgirl’s version of woman to include ONLY the feminine parts of herself, reserving the aggressive and strong masculine parts for their male side. meanwhile GGs have both their masculine and feminine mixed together as they only have the one “self.” sorting out how to express ones masculinity as a female without coming off as a man is a big challenge for many tgirls.
Ashley
Whether you’re a GG TG or TW, you bring both male and female into your “self”. The phenomenon you see is a TG tends to suppress any masculinities. They do this for a number of reasons but them main ones are: 1.) to blend in better; 2.) to re-inforce their perception of what it is women are and 3.) to enhance their experience. All are good reasons to do so, but it isn’t what women are. Not by a long shot.
I know genetic women who do some very “masculine” things yet they’re not any less of a woman. Some TWs are very “masculine” in some of their activities (tinkering with cars, boats etc. or running construction crews) but yet they’re very “feminine” in appearance and most other aspects of their lives. Everyone is a blend of “masculine” and “feminine” and each have to find the mix that works for them